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To my mother, who chose addiction over US.

to my methamphetamine, alcoholic, heroin using Mother. This disease has made you such a cruel and hateful person. I hate seeing you go from addiction to yet another. I know its your way of escaping reality, but also your way of covering up all the pain inside of you. Growing up as a child i hated you. I remember my brother and I waiting in the front lawn eating raw packs of ramen noddles, just waiting for you to come pick us up… You never showed. Unlike my brother, I can’t find it in me to forgive you. God, I’ve tried so many times to forgive you… I wanted a normal family.

But you chose drugs over your children and my dad.

Dad, oh man dad loved you..He was so in denial saying ” One day your moms gonna come home.” Days would pass, before i knew it, months passed by too.. You never came home.. You stopped calling, you didn’t even bother to come see us. 5 years passed after not hearing your voice, or seeing you i lost hope. 

I tried to hold on…

I didn’t really understand what was going on as a child, but as i grew older I started to question dad about you. More and more I wanted to know. Dad grew to hate you, he wouldn’t budge when I wanted to know why you abandoned us. 

They say Acceptance is key…

I can’t just forget that my whole childhood i didn’t have a Mother. I can’t help but wonder if you didn’t love us? Im the 3rd child out of 5 of us. I guess I don’t resent you as much as my older brother does.  He has all reasons to hate your guts and i’ll be honest if i were him I’d hate you too. You gave him up for adoption when he was 7. Why? why did you take it upon yourself to just give up one of us. I hate that today my older brother and I barley know each other because of you.

OUR FAMILY WILL NEVER BE WHOLE, THAT’S ALL YOU’RE FAULT.

I can’t forgive you… I’ve been an addict myself now. The funny thing is you have to nerve to tell me to get my life together while you’re selling and doing Meth. You’re also still trying to convince me that I’m the one with the problem… I’ll admit, you’re not wrong yet the difference between us is i decide that i wanted to live this life. 

I chose to live. I chose to quit. I chose to live a better life.

In site of this whole journey i’ve learned so much, and maybe I have you to thank. I’ll fight everyday for my sobriety. I just wish you’d do the same.

It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you don’t want to let go of. It hurts even more that they will no longer be a part of your life.It’s even harder to fight for you when you won’t even begin to fight for your damn self.I never thought i’d have to say goodbye to my mother. 

There are days nw and then I pretend that I’m okay.. That’s not what hurts the most though. What hurts the most is grieving a person who isn’t even dead yet.. 

This is Goodbye mom, if i don’t love you from a distance I’ll end up relapsing myself.

I choose family, love and happiness.. I hope one day you will too.