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To My Old Bestie, It Hurt Like Hell When You Cut Me out, but I Still Love You

“I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on." -Nicholas Sparks 

You were the one person in my life I always could rely on. You saw me through absolutely everything. 

You were welcome on family vacations, my plus one to family weddings, my ice cream date on Friday nights. 

You were in every picture on the walls in my room that it hurt so bad to take down. 

Through every heartbreak, you were there to wipe away every tear, there to pick me up in the middle of the night as I ran out of my house crying.

You understood everything. 

Our loyalty to each other was a bind I assumed would be forever… until it wasn’t.

The only reason I’m so angry… 

Whenever someone brings up your name, I’m overcome with anger that's actually just masked pain.

It kills me to hear anything about you because I used to be the first person you told everything to.

I worry I’ll run into you, I’ll look across the bar and see a familiar stranger. 

And it’ll set in… we know absolutely nothing about each other anymore. 

Is because I loved you like a sister. 

But behind that anger is pain and misunderstanding. It ended so abruptly. The best things usually do. 

But I spent days trying to understand why we couldn't just go back to normal like we usually did. 

It was like a breakup… only worse. 

And I thought "sorry" was enough… 

Best friends fight. That's what makes it real. We fight because we care about each other.

And I thought we forgave each other for everything. 

I never had to ask you if the smoke had cleared because I just assumed it would.

For the little fights we got into. 

And maybe there was something boiling under the surface. 

Maybe, I didn’t pay close enough attention to it. 

Maybe, this is all me. But maybe, it’s both of us. 

What I do know, is that I can't stop overthinking every possible reason as to how we got where we are.

And maybe I took you for granted… 

The title of best friend didn’t just go to anyone. 

You were my ride or die, my soulmate. You did everything I asked of you and more.

I loved you more than anyone. But I wonder… did I say it and show you enough?

Because I just always expected you to be there. 

You were in every memory of my past, next to me at every birthday party, there through every dumb boy.

You were every text that never seemed to end… Until it did. 

And then I’d sent texts that would go unanswered.

This wasn’t us. This wasn’t you. When did we become so distant?

I didn’t want it to end so badly… 

I wanted to defuse the situation, I wanted answers. 

Whenever someone even mentioned your name, I’d burst into tears. 

But you really did hurt me.

I don’t know what I did. You cut yourself out of my life, with no explanation. 

I was left reaching for someone who didn’t want to stay. 

And the saddest part was you probably knew it for a while. Maybe you were waiting for an excuse to leave. 

And maybe I broke the camel's back that night and you saw it as an opportunity to run. 

When did you make that decision? Were there moments you looked at me with annoyance and a fake smile, as I drunkenly slurred I love you with a shot in one hand?

I don’t know and I probably never will. 

Now I drive past your house with a heavy heart, remembering how I used to just walk in without knocking.

Does your family miss me as much as I miss them?

I’ll always look back at pictures sad, because I thought there would be so many more. 

But if you should know anything… 

I’d be the first there if you needed me. 

If ever you decide to come back into my life, I hope you know I’d appreciate you more. 

I’d tell you I love you, despite the pain you caused. 

And when the day comes and I walk down the aisle, you should know, I’ll have saved your name on the guest list and a seat in the front row if you choose to join me.

I still love you.

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