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To My Toxic Ex: Your Repression Liberated Me

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PSA: I am about to put my ex on blast.

 

I will not name names or even use fake ones, initials, or any other way to refer to him but as my toxic ex. If you or your family ever read this (you know who you are), which I highly doubt, this is MY truth. Welcome to my TED talk on toxic conservatism bolstered by narrow minded Christianity. What follows is my side of a toxic 15 month relationship with a man I thought I would end up marrying and how it liberated me so I could live out my life being my authentic self.

 

I did not honestly start having relationships with men or wanting them until I was college age. I guess I started noticing and getting noticed more by the opposite sex in high school. My older brother and younger sister were all in high school at the same time (he is two years older than me and she is 15 months younger than me). We all had our “thing” or epithets in high school that we lived up to and were known for. My brother was the cross country star, I was the dual cross country and soccer player/smart one, and my sister was the more popular, social butterfly known for her looks and style.

 

I guess once guys started noticing that I was moderately attractive in high school, I didn’t necessarily know how to take it. I was more concerned with my academics and performing in varsity sports. I had only one boyfriend in high school to be honest. He was in my friend group and we dated for 3 months before I got really annoyed with him and broke it off. I had a few guys ask me out or try to date me in high school.

I would go on dates, but usually would end up just wanting to be friends with them because they’d go stage 5 clinger really quick and I did not have the time for that sort of neediness and insecurity. I was very self-assured and self-confident and 100% did not need a guy to make me happy.

 

If you have read any excerpts from my upcoming book, you will be aware of my deep seeded issues with seeking approval from male figures that held a significant part in my life. That started with my dad. My dad is an amazing father and role model. I always have admired his work ethic, drive, ingenuity, intelligence, and how he has provided for our family. I have always looked up to him for that and strived to receive his approval for my accomplishments. However, no matter what I accomplished, I never felt that he was proud of me. I bring this up because, psychologically speaking, women tend to seek men that resemble (not physically usually) their fathers. Thus began my toxic relationships with men.

 

The first boyfriend I had turned out to be a complete loser. Long story short, we dated two years in total. We moved to Mckinney, Texas after I graduated pharmacy school for a job offer I had accepted. Well, to be VERY generous and kind here, he was a lazy, entitled piece of shit. I learned very quickly upon moving in with him that he was ok with riding my coattails because I made a very good 6 figured salary.

 

To him, that meant it was ok for me to work 10 hour days plus extra shifts while I was studying for my boards to get fully licensed as a pharmacist, do the chores around the house, pay for our dates, going out, etc. without him ever lifting a goddamn finger or offering to help. He was in between jobs the entire year we lived together because he thought his lazy ass was worth double the salary he was being offered. And I say this in with the most disdain and callousness in my voice: YOUR SELF-PERCEIVED CHARM AND PEOPLE SKILLS DO NOT MAKE UP FOR ZERO JOB EXPERIENCE.


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