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To the ex that was almost my forever: I love you always

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To the ex that was almost my forever: I love you always

I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met”

I think everyone who has ever been in a relationship has encountered one that didn’t quite work out the way they wanted it to. Things that tend to end those sort of “could be forever” relationships are often intangible things like timing, age difference, or being still affected by previous toxic relationships. But what do you do when you so desperately want that person back and they don’t requite your love? How do you cope with a premature ending to something that could have lasted a lifetime? I honestly don’t know the answers to these hard questions, but in exploring what happened with the most significant relationship I have ever had, I hope to find some clarity.

It took me nearly 29 years of my life to realize that I was gay. Unlike what I stated in one of my previous articles, I am not bisexual (mainly because I just cannot with men anymore) but just purely gay. I had notions that I was from high school on. I definitely had myriad women crushes and women that I claimed I would switch teams for. However, I never really thought that I would ever end up dating women.

My first and only relationship with a woman began almost as quickly as it ended. And to be honest, I am still head over heels in love with her. Because modern dating is literally the weirdest thing I have heretofore encountered, I got on online dating sites once I took interest in dating women. That is where her and I first matched, on Tinder. She is a decade younger than me, but has an emotional and mental maturity that is well beyond her years (and was often above mine). We spent weeks conversing back and forth via Snapchat, talking pretty much every day.

I had just gotten over my last toxic relationship with a man when she and I started talking. It was the purest feeling of attraction I have ever felt. There was just something about her that I felt so connected to so quickly. I think it was honestly just so refreshing to intelligently talk to someone about important topics such as books, politics, worldly issues, relationships, mental health, music, and personal issues. My previous relationships often avoided having deep discussions or conversations about hard to broach subjects. And to be honest as fuck, that bored the ever living hell out of me.

I have always told people that I am first physically attracted to someone. But if we cannot connect mentally and emotionally, it isn’t for me; I lose interest really quick and tend to ghost (I know, I am awful). With her, it just organically happened. I fell for her shockingly beautiful exterior, but her electric soul is what made her infinitely more attractive to me. I don’t know if everyone has had this lovely sort of déjà vu feeling that you have known someone for much longer than time can tell or that you must have met in a previous lifetime, but it was the sort of connection that lit a fire in my heart, soul, and mind that has yet to be extinguished.

Things were perfect (until they weren’t). From the first night we met and spent together, I knew there was a reason this woman was in my life. I felt instantly connected to her unlike any person I have ever met. I can’t quite place my finger on it, besides referencing Greek mythology. In one myth, the Greeks claim that at birth, your soul is split into two, and finds its way into another person. This person is literally your soul mate. The tragic part of it, is that you must spend your life wandering the Earth searching relentlessly for your other half. She is my other half, even if she may not reciprocate those feelings.

The first month and a half or so was perfect. We spent nearly every waking minute together. I honestly don’t think I laughed to the point of tears so much as when I was spending time with her. We just had this effortless love that reinvigorated me. I could literally talk to her about anything without feeling judged. Not only was she an amazingly compassionate listener, but her ability to assess situations and provide feedback was on a whole other level.

I felt remiss any minute I spent away from her, waking up extra early, hoping she was up too so that I could talk to her again. Every night I went to bed with her in my arms and woke up next to her was the greatest night of my life. I would awake in a stupor, shocked than this was real life, pinching myself hoping that this wasn’t just some very involved dream. I was on cloud nine, unlike any relationship I had ever been in.

And then, as quickly as things ignited, they faded into the abyss. I am honestly still confused as to what exactly happened. I think a large part is the age difference and gaps in life experiences as a result (my counselor says that the statistics for relationships working out for age differences greater than 5 years are slim). I think too that she became disengaged as a result of some negative habits I started to fall back into as well.

But mostly, I think when you are young and inexperienced in healthy relationships, you often look for ways to hit the eject button out of fear. I had the same experience and feelings at that age. I looked for any reason to not get into a relationship with someone because I was so scared of what would happen if it didn’t work out. I sabotaged potential happiness all for hypothetical what if’s.

As I got older though, and had more relationships experiences, I realized something: you will never find a partner that you are 100% compatible with. People are so apt to think that relationships will be 50/50 or damn near close all the time. In my experience, that is rarely ever the case. They are more often skewed in the direction of the partner that needs the most for that season. And it took me until recently to realize that that is ok and normal.

You are not always going to see eye to eye on issues. You will not always understand where your partner is coming from because you have had different life experiences as separate entities. But what makes a relationship work is love, understanding, compassion, passion, nonjudgmental listening, and effort. Communication is vital for any relationship to not only blossom, but to also thrive through adversity.

I have no ill will at all towards her for this. I have been there before. I was that person too at that age. But I will say this to her: you will always be the one that I want. No amount of time or distance will extinguish the fire you lit in me. No one will understand me or want to know me the way you did those 2 months. I am forever grateful for you. I will always love and cherish you with all my heart. I don’t know what the future holds, but I hope like hell we can cross paths again. And maybe I will be different and maybe you will be too and maybe I will be better and whole and love myself as much as I love you.

To the ex that I will always love:

I want you more than you will ever know. From the minute I kissed you, I was done. I was done looking for anyone else. I was done not loving myself. I was done with the insecurities, the chameleon personality, trying to become who the other person wanted me to be. You allowed me to be myself. To become the best version of me. You gave me the courage and love to look inward and find the 10 year old girl that got lost along the way. But something happened on the way there. I don’t quite understand what, but the tortuous road back to myself got so convoluted. I went back to old habits and stopped eing the me you and I loved. And for that I am forever sorry. I just want you to know, I am trying to find her again. It hasn’t been easy without you. You are my person to me still, even if I am not yours. You’re the first person on my mind when anything in life happens. Good, bad, stupid, silly. I see your face and hear your voice and think, “I gotta tell her!” And the text I start to type out gets deleted, lost among things I will never get to say to you, conversations that will never be had but in my mind. And it hurts like hell. I’d rather dislocate my hip a trillion times than to feel this emotional and mental anguish. I wish I could go back and undo so many things. But time has a way of only moving forward and never looking back. With time, maybe things will heal and feel better. But to be honest, I don’t think time will tell. Not amount of time away from you is ok to me. No amount of distance, whether physical or emotional will ever feel right. I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. And darling, I’ve not stopped the free fall since that day; I just finally hit the ground.


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