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To the Guy Begging for a Threesome, It's Literally Never Going to Happen

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A lot of people enjoy threesomes and that’s great. If you can make one work, I say go for it. 

…But I hope I am never in a threesome. There are so many uncertainties, so many questions…

Take sensory confusion into account. There are three bodies happening, and you’re just one of them. What are you to do? Who decides? Which orifice is serviced by what part of the body first, second, third? WHAT? 

Will one of you act as team captain, just sort of directing things? It all seems extremely disorganized. 

How do you ensure that each person gets equal attention? I would think that at some point, two might break off and leave the third to, you know, make a sandwich. 

And from what I understand, that’s likely to happen. If two people are in a monogamous relationship and one of you proposes a threesome, isn’t that a sign of boredom, an obvious declaration that one or both of you need something else in your bedroom beside each other? 

How will birth control be handled? will you just go through billions of condoms, or will everyone have to be on some sort of hormonal treatment? I suppose that depends entirely on whether the threesome will be composed of two men or two women. 

What style of threesome will this be? Is this going to be softcore, with a story? Will there be roles? Or is it just going to be a knock-down, drag-out spoogefest where you’ll have to hire a cleaning crew the next day in order to get the room back in working order? How will that phone conversation go?

Yeah, hi, Robbie. Can you tell the crew to bring their wall scrapers? We um, got some stuff on the walls. 

The only situation in which I can see a threesome strengthening a previously monogamous relationship is if the guest star is either relatively hideous or is total crap in bed. 

Then the two will look at the guest star and say, You know, what we’ve got is pretty damn good. This new thing isn’t working for us

So if the point is to spice things up but not tempt, go for someone who is extremely lazy, morbidly obese (400+ lbs), has a carpet of back hair, or an incredible amount of moles. That should get you two back on track in no time. 

You could also choose someone much older than you, say by about fifty years, unless one of you is into that. One thing about threesomes, they’ll sure help you discover things about yourself. 

Finally, will you be able to handle this without making it some sort of opening of Pandora’s box? For instance, will you now have Threesome Tuesdays, each with its own rotating guest star? Will you start attending sex parties, and then start hosting them? 

Will you routinely come home from work to see a naked guy named chad with a goatee and chainmaille garter belt, nibbling on aged gouda while politely chatting with your partner in the kitchen, before unceremoniously bending them over, when really all you want to do is get in your sweats and watch Scrubs? 

I guess you’ll never know until you try, but you know what they say – ignorance is bliss… and all that. 


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