It’s one of the oldest cliché’s in the book—you don’t know what you got til it’s gone. And maybe it is true. Maybe it takes losing someone to realize how much you cared.
But that’s not good enough for me.
Deciding to end things with you was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make up until this point in my life. I’d spent months trying to make you tell me how you felt about me, about us. And every time, you avoided the question. Every time, you thought that saying how much you cared or how there was no one else was good enough. And for awhile, it was.
But we reached a point where I needed you to say where this was going. I needed you to say you wanted to be with me…for real. And for whatever reason, you didn’t. Or maybe you couldn’t. So for my own sake and sanity, I told you I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t be in a relationship that wasn’t moving forward, so I ended it.
And then suddenly, everything I wanted you to say months ago came pouring out. The I wanted to fall in love with you’s, the is there anything I could do’s, the I’m sorry’s. And although it felt good to finally hear you say it, too much time had passed to change my mind.
I couldn’t help but think that if you truly cared the way you were now saying you did, that you would’ve said something one of the many times I asked you how you felt. It’s harsh, I know, but coming from someone who had risked everything to tell you how she felt, there’s a time to say it, and once it’s passed, you can’t take it back or change anything.
And timing is everything. Especially when it comes to relationships. This was everything I wanted to hear months ago, and hearing it now, after I’ve made the decision to end things, is only confirmed that I made the right decision. Because I deserve someone who realizes what’s in front of him while he has it. Not once it’s gone.
I wanted you to fight for me. But not because I left. I wanted you to fight to keep me. Fight every doubt and question I had about us, and tell me how you felt. Fight to love me. Maybe it’s the romantic side of me, but I want to be with someone who is going to fight with me every day—not just when he realizes he’s lost me.
I also want you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry because this must hurt you. I know what it’s like to lose someone you could’ve fallen in love with—and that’s why I’m telling you. That’s why I’m being honest. But this isn’t so much about you as it is about me. Being with you made me realize what I wanted in a relationship. And what I didn’t. It made me realize how strong I need to be for myself. It made me realize that even more than I wanted you to fight for me, what I really need is to fight for myself—and for everything that I want.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
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