When We Met
It’s hard to imagine that we met almost a year ago and in less than a year, you erased me from your life like I was nothing.
And it’s hard to imagine that I felt so secure and loved by you, that I planned to stay by your side when all your friends graduated and moved on, when you were all alone in a new city, when you were unhappy in your job. Whatever it might’ve been, I was prepared to stick by your side through it all.
It’s hard to imagine that I was looking at new jobs in a new city to move closer to you and that you were going to let me. And for what? To watch me uproot my entire life and then tell me you never loved me?
And it’s hard to imagine you with anyone else but me. But you’ve made it very clear in your recent pictures and newly added friends that you imagined yourself with everyone else but me.
It’s hard to imagine I blamed myself for why you couldn’t perform during sex. But I realize now, you’re the one to blame. You had other interests and attractions and it had nothing to do with me at all.
And it’s hard to imagine I was a fool. But I was your fool. You let me believe we were stable and secure. You let me believe I had finally found the one I truly deserved and longed for.
It’s hard to imagine feelings can just disappear in less than 24 hours. But then I realized, you never really had any feelings for me.
And it’s hard to imagine I loved you so much, I was willing to look past all the red flags. I made you my number one priority and respected the hell out of you. But in return I was left with abandonment, betrayal, disrespect, exclusion, and contempt.
It’s hard to imagine I begged you to stay and fight for me when you so clearly wanted nothing but yourself.
And it’s hard to imagine the man I thought you were is just a little kid throwing a temper tantrum because he didn’t get what he wanted.
It’s hard to imagine the man I thought you were is just a manipulative, abusive, narcissistic boy.
And it’s hard to imagine I have nightmares every night that you walked away from me and when I wake up, I realize these nightmares are my reality.
It’s hard to imagine that I have chronic fatigue syndrome, yet I still can’t sleep at night. And it’s hard to imagine that the girl who always tired, now needs sleeping pills to keep her thoughts at bay.
And it’s hard to imagine this emotional and physical pain will subside, but I know one day it will.
It’s hard to imagine one day I will find someone who meets my emotional requirements like I thought you did. It’s hard to imagine one day I will find someone who gives me butterflies like you did. And it’s hard to imagine one day I will find someone who makes me feel safe, secure and loved like you did.
Because I know at the end of the day, all of that can be ripped out from under you in minutes. And I know the only person I can rely on for happiness and love is myself. Because I know the only person I can rely on to fill all of my needs and requirements is myself.
I know I don’t need someone, I want someone. And I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to share my life with someone and be their equal. And I want to have passionate sex and heated arguments. I want a partnership where I am respected. And I want a relationship where I am treated as a human being. I want to be seen in all my perfections and imperfections. And I want to know at the end of the day, that someone will stay.
So one day, you will become a blur in my mind and my memories. But until then I continue to learn how to love myself one day at a time. And one day I will love myself so hard, someone deserving of that love will finally come my way and be everything you will never be.