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Trying To Say Good bye

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If I counted how many times I’ve tried to say “good-bye” to you I would probably be close to publishing a book.  I think it’s important, though, to document; to write out how we feel…in any circumstance.  Who knows, maybe this will turn into a book.  A book of good-byes.  A book of saying the same thing over and over again, yet maybe in a different way so I could hope for a different result.  But the first thing we learn in psychology is if we always do what we’ve always done, then we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten.  I’ve seen you a handful of times in passing recently…petty, irrelevant exchanges were all we had.

 

Is that all we have left?  Me, being barely able to make words when I pass by you.  And you, a quick wave and a hello.  You seem more confident than I am, but I think that’s my own false perception.  I have a text message just sitting in our text exchange just waiting for me to push send on.  There’s no question that I’ll eventually send it, but my mind thinks there’s a better time for it.  How silly.  It says I miss you.  And it says I am not handling this very well.  It says I am sorry.  All three of those statements are honest and true.  I do not know how you will respond, and I think the reason why I won’t push send is because I’m clearly scared of the response.

 

What am I doing?  Just push send.  I know what I need from you, and part of me is scared to ask.  It just needs to become real..  I need you to tell me that you want nothing from me.  And I need you to tell me that you have zero feelings, emotional or otherwise towards me.  I need you to tell me that you’re going to live your life and never think of me again. And I need to know that I mean nothing to you.

 


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