If I counted how many times I’ve tried to say “good-bye” to you I would probably be close to publishing a book. I think it’s important, though, to document; to write out how we feel…in any circumstance. Who knows, maybe this will turn into a book. A book of good-byes. A book of saying the same thing over and over again, yet maybe in a different way so I could hope for a different result. But the first thing we learn in psychology is if we always do what we’ve always done, then we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. I’ve seen you a handful of times in passing recently…petty, irrelevant exchanges were all we had.
Is that all we have left? Me, being barely able to make words when I pass by you. And you, a quick wave and a hello. You seem more confident than I am, but I think that’s my own false perception. I have a text message just sitting in our text exchange just waiting for me to push send on. There’s no question that I’ll eventually send it, but my mind thinks there’s a better time for it. How silly. It says I miss you. And it says I am not handling this very well. It says I am sorry. All three of those statements are honest and true. I do not know how you will respond, and I think the reason why I won’t push send is because I’m clearly scared of the response.
What am I doing? Just push send. I know what I need from you, and part of me is scared to ask. It just needs to become real.. I need you to tell me that you want nothing from me. And I need you to tell me that you have zero feelings, emotional or otherwise towards me. I need you to tell me that you’re going to live your life and never think of me again. And I need to know that I mean nothing to you.