If there is anything worse than physical public displays of affection (also known as PDA) it is verbal PDA (everyone remember the “Schmoopy” episode on Seinfeld?)
Physical PDA is gross because you can see a couple showing just how much they adore each other. But verbal PDA, like pet names, is even worse.
First off, I don’t understand why people would call their significant other something that could actaully be the name of a pet. Would a guy compare his girlfriend to a dog? Only if he was a massive a-hole… So why is it okay for him to call her “Pooky?”
It’s not okay. It’s just not.
For those of you who I am offending, sorry, but you offend me with your love-vocabulary. Here are some of the most cringeworthy pet names that my ears have suffered from experiencing:
- Cutie Patootie: Patootie sounds like something you could call a fart. When I hear this I think somebody is calling their partner a cute fart and that is just not acceptable.
- Baby Boy/Girl: Why is calling somebody a “baby” a sexual thing? Seriously, who the hell came up with that?
- Sweet Cheeks: I know that it is mean to be about face cheeks, but all I can think about when I hear this is butts and it’s like, where is the romance in a butt?
- Honey Snuggles: These people understand that snuggling with honey would be the stickiest and most disgusting thing ever, right?
- Cuddle Bunny: Did you know that if you touch a bunny then its mother can detect human scent and will neglect and eventually abandon the baby bunny? So in turn if you cuddle with a bunny then it gets ditched by its own mother. This pet name should be reported to the ASPCA.
- Sugar Lips: This just makes me want sugar, and when bikini season is months away, it’s the last thing I want to think about.
- Lovie Lover: Like this isn’t even creative. It’s basically the same word said twice…
- Monkey Tush: Have these people ever seen a baboon’s ass? It’s the most disgusting thing in the world! WHY IS THIS EVEN A REAL THING THAT HAS BEEN SAID?!
- BAE: I don’t care how popular this term is in today’s culture, it’s tacky and I hate it.
- Muffin: Okay, first off, being compared to a muffin is wildly offensive (hello, haven’t you hear of muffin tops?) Secondly, why do significant other’s compare each other to food? Are they cannibals? Because that’s illegal, just like these pet names should be.
This list, sickening as is it, barely scratches the surface. If you have any pet names that get under your skin, let’s hear ’em!
