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Your memory burns like a FIRE

What may really throw you off is that narcissists can be be exteremely charming. Don’t be fooled, as my mother once said; “Looks can be deciving.” With him it wasn’t all about the looks, don’t get me wrong he wasn’t the ugliest man on the Earth. Not to mention he came with a trendous amount of flaws, flaws that i never expected him to have. Needless to say, i looked passed all his flaws. I love him for who he was and most of all i accepted the person he use to be in his past.

He spent 5years chasing me. Don’t get aroused , this isn’t a love story, and we most certainly didn’t have a “happy ending.”

He was the guy that was on my ‘DO NOT DATE LIST’. Something changed, New Years of 2021 I made a list of resulotions. One that included Dating someone who wasn’t my type. Somewhere in site of it all i started chasing after a guy who i said i’d never date. Before i’d made a bunch of excuses as to why i’d never give him a chance. In my gut i knew he was no good for me, but i chose to honor my resolutions and give it a try.

Here’s how it all started…. It was some time in November of 2020, it was 3am… I was scrolling through Facebook because i couldn’t sleep, which was nothing unusal. He messaged me.. “Wat r u doing up so late?” as the conversation proceeded he eventually asked “we shld hangout…..” I read the message, and went back to scrolling through facebook, when he messaged me again saying “i guess not?????” I remember a million excuses running threw my mind. None of which i used. Instead i sent him my address… Fast forward. He was sitting on my couch, as i got up he said, ” Fuck this.” He said i’d been waiting forever for this moment to happen and kissed me. None of this was anything sort of what i expected. Before i knew it we were in my bedroom, and you know what happens after that. I told him i didn’t want a serious relationship and he agreed. It was settled friends with benefits. We all know how that turns out… Someone always fall in love. unexpectedly i was the one to fall first. 

Things were great at first when it was no strings attached. Then one day i found myself blowing up his phone because he couldn’t repsond to not one of my text messages. 

Fast forward, he moved in with me… Things got worse not better. We fought at every little thing. I started questioning my self.  He became a cold person. I lost any self esteem i had left. He made me think that my own mother was trying to turn me against him. Every fight we had was always my fault. If i even dared to tell him that his actions hurt me, he grabbed me by the throat and choke me. He slap in the face telling me, ” I hate doing this to you, i don’t wanna hit you.” Eventually it didn’t matter what i said. Finally i had enough nerve to move 2 hours way just to get away from him.. Moving in my mom or dad wasn’t an option because I knew i’d run right back to him. I was blinded by “love” But that wasn’t love..

It’s been 2 months since i spoke to him.. I hate that I can’t get over all the things he’s done to me.. I keep thinking i need closure . Truth is closure isn’t always whats best for us. It took me quite sometime to real that. Leave the past where it belongs. Stop saying ” good things never happen to me”. They’ll only happen if you let them.