To My Ex, It Killed Me When You Didn’t Choose Me, But I Forgive You

I thought to hear you say ‘I’m sorry’ would finally give me the closure I desperately needed.

I wanted more than anything to hear the words straight from your heart that you were sorry for stringing me along, that you’d finally realized it was always supposed to be me and you, that you loved me and this was just a big mistake.

That would’ve fixed us. I would’ve accepted it and welcomed you back with an open heart.

To hear those simple words would have shown me that you genuinely felt bad for causing me so much hurt while you were trying to figure out who you were, would have meant the world to me.

Two words: I’m sorry. That’s all I ever wanted to hear.

You broke my heart not once or even twice, but every single time you built me up to believe I meant more to you than I do. Only to have you walk away as if I never mattered.

It seems like you just woke up one day and decided I was no longer worth your time. You walked away from me and from us and you never said goodbye.

You never gave me an explanation of what was so wrong with me (us) that you no longer wanted me and I waited so long to hear you say you were sorry for that.

But you probably won’t give me those words and I can’t keep torturing myself waiting around for it.

I waited for you to decide I was worth it, for you to choose me when in reality I should have chosen me. I should have chosen better. I should have been worth more to me.

You hurt my feelings, but I let you. And I let you walk in and out of my life at will. But I let myself believe you would choose me in the end but I saw the way you looked at her.

You loved her. You loved her with your whole heart. And I never should’ve tried to stand between you and her.

So maybe I’m the one who owes you an apology. I fought so hard for our relationship, but I knew you loved her. And I knew you were happier with her. I did. But I was selfish and wanted you to be mine which, ultimately would have made us both so unhappy….

I’m just so sorry that I didn’t walk away when I saw how happy she made you. And I am sorry that I made you unhappy by fighting with you over it all. Most of all tho, I am sorry that my jealousy ruined your chances with the girl who truly made you happy.

You deserve happiness and I wish you all the best. And so do I.

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Ladies, Read This If Your Guy Refuses To Put A Label On What You Are

So, you like a guy a lot and you’ve been seeing him for a few weeks and you want to take the next step. Everytime you muster up the swallowed deep down courage to ask him that bold question of “what are we,” he seems to always have a different excuse.

“I don’t want to rush into things.”

“Why ruin what we have now?”

“Labels are stupid, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”

“I’m not ready for a serious commitment.”

No matter what the response is if it’s anything other than, “will you be my girlfriend,” it’s a straight-up excuse.

So often, women are stuck in purgatory wondering why the guy they’re fawning over doesn’t want them back. No matter how many gifts you buy him, how many breakfasts in bed you make him, or how many oral pleasures you perform on him—if a guy doesn’t want to make you his girlfriend, he will give you just about any reason he can come up with as to why it’s a bad idea. The excuses come so often that, in time, women start to believe that they’re true.

“Maybe rushing things is a bad idea.”

“I love what we have now, I don’t want to ruin it, either.”

“Labels are stupid, they’re just for show and society.”

“Maybe a serious commitment is a lot to take on right now.”

If you’ve found yourself in this position. Stop, take a breath.

The truth of the matter is, the guy who you’re in love with that doesn’t want to make you his girlfriend is never going to be honest with you—nor is he ever going to tell you that you should stop seeing each other because you want more and he doesn’t. Why?

Because you’ve given him all the things a relationship would, without having the label.

More likely than not, you’ve acted like a “girlfriend” to this guy. Don’t be ashamed—most women who are interested in a relationship with someone jump the gun and act as though they are in a relationship, even without the label. This, however, is a dangerous place to be. Not only are you giving away all the goods before you got yourself a commitment, but you’ve also shown him that you will settle for being treated as temporary. If you want a commitment from someone, you need to hold back and save yourself—your loving, caring, and understanding tendencies—for when he finally commits to you.

In the generation where everyone is “seeing someone,” and “casually talking to someone,” it’s hard to find a person who will truly settle down with you to start something real. That’s why women need to lift their standards when it comes to what they will and will not tolerate. If you’re seeing someone and they give you one of those old excuses—know that you deserve better. There are men out there who will work for what you have to offer. And, don’t just give it away to any average Joe who can’t mutter the words “girlfriend.”

Ladies, know what you bring to the table and never be afraid to eat alone.

You Were My Everything, Now I Don’t Know How To Live Without You

The actual breakup was a whirlwind of emotions. It was confusing, shocking and honestly, didn’t process right away. When I heard those four awful words strung together with so much apathy that I just sort of went numb. “We should break up” was the last thing I heard and from that moment on, I was just going through the motions. It didn’t hit me until way after that moment that it hit me, how do I live without you?

Waking up in the morning, I roll over to grab my phone to check for that usual “good morning” text but instead, I find an empty screen. My heart drops into my chest and that dreaded conversation starts playing on a loop in my mind.

I walk into the kitchen and pour only one cup of coffee instead of two. I start missing the little things, being told I was beautiful before I put on any makeup, that quick kiss before I left to start my day and knowing that someone was always waiting for me when my day ended.

Most of all, I miss what I used to be. The memory isn’t what keeps my heart heavy; it’s all the mental images that come flooding over me all at once. It’s walking past a place that I created so many memories together. I catch tears slowly slipping from my eyes.

I’m left feeling alone, not wanting to bother my friends with my troubles but needing an outlet to let it all go.

It’s realizing that I have to start completely over, with no idea how to do it. And what kills me the most is people who tell me I’ve been sad for ‘too long’ and I just have to ‘get back out there.’ They were not there when we cuddled on the couch watching TV, or for dinner dates, selfies, or the first time he said: “I love you.”

They may have been through their own heartbreak but they don’t exactly know how I’m feeling, so I won’t downplay how hurt I am.

The truth is, it hurts because it was real.

It hurts because there were real feelings involved. The next bit of truth is eventually it will get better.

When he left he took a little piece of that away with him. There are going to be tears, there will be lots of them. I know I’ll look for him when I’m out and about even though I know I shouldn’t, I may even pick up a phone knowing that it’s a bad idea. It’s all part of the process.

The pain is overwhelming because my heart didn’t just belong to me, it belonged to him as well.

I will get over this relationship, but it’ll be in my own way, until I feel okay because if I don’t allow myself to feel okay, then I’m just going to hurt myself in the long run.

The breakup goes by quickly, but the pain will take a while to heal. So in the meantime, I’ll be taking it one day at a time.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

I’m Not A Convenience Store, You Just Can’t Come And Go As You Please

It feels like I’m stuck in this maze that has so many different routes that I just keep spinning in circles with no way out. Except you’re in this maze as well and every once in a while we meet up and it all makes sense, until the next thing you know, you’re walking away and I’m left alone again.

Just when I think that I’m making leeway on my own, we gravitate back to each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few hours, days or weeks my heart automatically opens back up for you. It’s the worst kind of torture knowing that it isn’t going to last.

You know how I feel about you; hell I even took a chance and told you that I loved you. It was a risk I was willing to take, though my heart about beat out of my chest.

There’s no question on my feelings for you, however, when we turned the tables I was constantly trying to solve the complicated equation of how you felt about me.

Most of the time I think you’re a good guy, and there’s this small shimmer of hope in me that doesn’t want to let go of the fact you may actually care about me more than you let on.

But you don’t because if you actually cared for me as much as you said you did, you never would of broke up with me in the first place to just string me along whenever you decided it was convenient to you. You wouldn’t continue treating me the way you do, because you know how much it hurts me.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t find myself waking up at 3 am thinking about you, tears filling up in my eyes. I can’t let my heart skip a beat when my phone goes off, because I never know if it’s going to be you. I can’t keep thinking I’m crazy or losing my mind for loving a guy who runs from something that could be such a great thing.

Better yet, I refuse to do it anymore. I’m not the girl that gets taken advantage of time after time, whose heart is drug through the sand.

I’m the girl that loves with her entire heart and gives more effort than you deserve. I require commitment because you should respect me and know my value. I’m the girl who refuses to believe that fairy-tales only exist in storybooks.

I bring too much to the table to be someone’s sometime girl. I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to let love into their heart, who isn’t afraid to speak their true feelings and one that is going to let someone know what they actually mean to them instead of beating around the bush.

I had hoped that I could have had this with you and that we could have lasted throughout all the odds. Even after you broke my heart, I wanted my friends to be wrong about you. My mind told me to run, you’re too smart for this, but my heart fought back. Hope really is one of the saddest words out there, because when deep down you know things aren’t going to change, it keeps you holding on.

I tried tricking my head into thinking that the next time would be different, that I wouldn’t end up leaving the next day more confused and hurt as before. We wouldn’t be arguing through text messages or telling each other we couldn’t do this anymore.

I could only have my kindness taken advantage of for so long until I snapped. You can only push a loyal girl so far before she gives up, and I absolutely hate giving up, you for one know how competitive I am and mostly, I hated giving up on you.

I do love you, despite what you think, whether you deserve that or not is to be left in the area that’s painted grey. If I had been given any sign that you could change your ways, I probably would have stayed. However, I can’t keep crying and feeling like I did something wrong to deserve this.

My friends can’t keep trying to cheer me up, reassuring me that I’m perfectly fine and that I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me and that you’re just a scared douchebag that can’t get it together.

I fully believe that people come in and out of your life when they’re supposed to, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.

I left you with my heart sinking into my stomach, tears streaming down my face, with a final goodbye. I’m not strong enough all the time to stay away; I try so hard but I’m only human, so if I cave I need you to not respond.

I need you to do what you do best, push me away.

Don’t give in unless you’re ready to be the one I need. Until you’re ready to give me the love and respect that I deserve and not the runaround of excuses of why we can’t be together.

I’ll get stronger as the days go on, and there will be a time where I don’t want you anymore. One day though, I hope this realization comes over you, some kind of life-altering halt that you pushed away from the girl you needed in your life more than you wanted to admit.

That unlike the convenience stores where you can find anything you want whenever you need it, the realization will hit you that the one thing you really want and need won’t conveniently be sitting on a shelf at your disposal.

To see more of Audi’s work check out her facebook page.

To The Girl Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

I know you’re disappointed. Again. Maybe this one was using you to cheat on a girlfriend, maybe he only wanted one thing. None the less, it’s one more washed up a failed attempt at finding the right guy.

I know that feeling when you see cute posts from couples or hear song lyrics you wish you related to more. I know you’ve been through the emotional ringer, and you finally feel ready for the real deal.

No more games, no more fumbling when things go wrong. You’re confident, smart, beautiful, and you’re ready for someone else who sees those things in you.

I know you’re looking for it. Every time you get into a cute conversation or you have a new date you wonder if this one is the right one.

You’ll overlook red flags and mistakes because you want so badly to hold on to what’s right in front of you. After all, if everyone else can make it work, why can’t you?

Yet, somewhere deep down you know you deserve better. You know you’ll find the love you’re looking for. You just don’t want to wait.

Please, please, stop looking.

Stop sending the text first, stop being so available. Focus on your life and yourself.

Don’t keep putting other people before yourself, don’t give people the ability to keep using you. Be patient. Let love find you, and in the meantime fall in love with yourself.

Turn yourself into the woman of your dreams, because she’s who will attract the man of your dreams.

I know it’s not easy; it’s tempting to fall back into old habits.

Do not give in.

Do not settle.

Do not overlook mistakes and red flags.

Do not short yourself into letting someone make you feel guilty or make you feel as though you need to stay or you won’t find better. Don’t lower your standards. The right guy will raise himself to meet them.

The best love isn’t looking for. It’s unexpected and natural. He’ll be there one day, I promise. Just be patient, and take your time.

Enjoy the views life gives you and live to the fullest. You deserve the world, and you should accept nothing less.

How To Lose The Girl You Love Without Even Noticing

“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved” – Shana Abe

This is not a love that gets abandoned for the next hit.

She’s given you her whole heart, not just her body, not just a few nights where everything is perfect and magical and exciting. Because any fool can fall “in love??? – can stand by your side when everything is fresh and new and alluring. But she has given you so much more than a thrill, an instant gratification, a validation.

She’s given you new life because she looks at you as if you are magic – but not like the other girls do, when you’re shiny and perfect and charming, on top of the world and succeeding. No. She looks at you with such love when you’re unguarded, stripped off your layers and shields, wondering if you’re good enough if your dreams will ever come true. She looks at you and her gaze warms those parts, those parts that you can never seem to love. She believes in you, in your darkest times, when you feel incidental, small, broken.

You’re justifying.

You get in a fight, she insulted you, she’s difficult, temperamental, argumentative. So you use that as an excuse, a justification for why you go to another for comfort, for validation. If she’s far away, you justify your actions, “But I’m going to marry her one day,??? you say.

If you get in a fight, fall on hard times, when you struggle, when there’s doubt, you seek comfort in the arms or flirtation of another, “But I didn’t sleep with her,??? you say an even more comical justification. You justify so you’re able to sleep tight at night, completely happy with yourself, totally content with your actions.

But the real reason you’re able to sleep at night is that you still have your magic, your world, your treasure – you still have her. Because she thinks her heart is safe. Because she trusts you with all her heart. And that’s the worst part of all. Because she loves you so much that she remains faithful even when there’s doubt, even when you’re a million miles away from each other. Because that’s what real love is.

You’re not seeing it.

You’re not ready for it. If she’s far away – you should work that much harder to keep her. If she’s enraged, you should understand her, because it’s coming from love. If there’s the next jolt of excitement right in front of you, you should know that your girl who will love you better than anyone is all that really matters. The rest you won’t even remember.

You don’t deserve her.

You need to face your own demons first because until you do, you will always be searching for the intangible more. You will always be searching for validation, an affirmation that you are good enough, handsome enough, smart enough. Because if you can’t face yourself, you will always be searching.

The woman of your dreams, you won’t appreciate her. You’ll feel how her genuineness can’t be replaced. You will feel her beauty, her love, in every single edge of your body. You will know her worth. But as soon as things are difficult, aren’t working in that moment, you will seek out what’s easy. Sure, easy will never satisfy you, never start a fire in your heart, but you won’t care, because you think that the woman you love will always be there.

You’re breaking her trust.

You’re breaking her heart. You soothe yourself and distract yourself and tell yourself that texting someone ‘isn’t really cheating,’ that ‘it doesn’t really count if they’re far away ’ or ‘she’s the love of my life’ – thinking that you love her through your words and intentions. No. The most beautiful constructed words, the grandest gestures of love are worth nothing if you’re betraying her heart. Because loyalty is worth a million times more than the grandest intention.

Her heart is to be protected, to be treasured. You’re supposed to be the one guy in the whole world who would never hurt her. You think that no matter what you do, she will always be there because she loves you. But that’s not the case. She loves you because she’s strong. It takes strength, an extraordinary person to truly love someone so deeply – through all the moments, from the enchantment to the struggle.

If you’re not good to her, no matter how well you justify it, she will leave. She will be broken, for a while. But then rise stronger, wiser, ready for a love that won’t ever betray her. While you will be left desperately searching for the missing pieces that disappeared when she left, unable to ever find them because the best part of you was her.

This Is How It Really Feels to Not Know Where We Stand

I don’t know where or when all of this got so messed up. It happened one day, and my mind can’t stop going back. Over and over again, I keep thinking about you. And I want it to stop.

I never asked you for anything but the truth. But even when you said that you told me everything, something still felt like it was being left out.

Because I told you what I wanted. I never put up any walls because I have played those games before. I learned the hard way you only end up hurting yourself. But this, this is so much worse.

Because I don’t know where we stand, what we are, what I mean to you and that kills me.

Knowing that I could be wasting more time. It’s not that I think you’re not worth it, because I know that you are. But I feel like I’m losing my mind.

All I can think about is you, who you’re with and if you’re thinking about me the way that I’m thinking about you.

I don’t want to have to keep explaining myself to you. I don’t want to keep giving you this much power because even though my mind is telling me to walk away, my heart is refusing to listen.

And I think that for once, my heart might just be right. I know that you’re trying to make sense of all this, just like I am. But words are just words and don’t mean anything until you can back them up with actions.

My heart is so heavy now, that I don’t know if it would be better to stop before I even get started.

I just want you to know the truth. So here it is.

This feeling that you’re giving me, this feeling that won’t stop pulling me back and forth, I want it gone. And if I have to lose you with it, I think I could handle it. I just don’t want to be left alone again.

And I don’t want to be caught in this in between where you have left me. Where I feel weak and helpless, where I feel like I’m losing parts and pieces of myself to you, without even noticing.

I know you said you never wanted to hurt me and that much is clear and true, but whatever it is that you’re doing now, is more than I think I can bear.

It would be easier to hate you, but we both know that it would take a lot more than unanswered phone calls, than long, unattended looks. I told you before and I’ll do it again, you got me. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m so caught up in this with no end in sight and I’m so scared.

Even though I know that this might be all for nothing, I’m scared that my heart will take more time to heal if I had to watch you walk away.

That’s not what I want. But if it’s what you do, then I guess I can take it. I can be the strong one, I can find the courage to look past you, and to let you be happy without me if that’s what you really want.

But please, don’t keep telling me one thing, making me believe in you, and then doing another. It’s just too much.

I want you to know that all I want, is for you to be happy. But whatever this is, is hurting not just me, but you too.

It’s breaking me to know that when we talk, it turns into a fight. That when we say goodbye, I almost think that we mean it. For good this time.

I want in or I want out, but I can’t do this up in the air, not sure, thing anymore. And if you can, then you’re not the man I thought you were.

Know that none of this is easy for me. To do or to say. But I also need you to know what’s really going on in my head. And I need you to listen.

The ball is in your court now, and I’m done giving you clues. I don’t want you to have to guess anymore, and I don’t want to feel this out of control anymore.

I just need you, for once, to make up your mind. Because if you don’t, I think you’re going to have to learn what losing me feels like.

As much as I want you, I also want my own peace. Everyone does. I can’t play this game anymore. I’m tired of trying and I’m tired of hurting. It’s up to you now. Just let me know.

If you’re in if you’re out. But I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to love you like this anymore.

Pick me. Choose me. Love me.

“I lied. I’m not out of this relationship, I’m in. I’m so in it’s humiliating because here I am begging…You choice it’s simple. Her or me. And I’m sure she’s great. But Derek, I love you, in a really big way. I pretend to like your taste of music.. I let you eat the last piece of cheesecake. I’ll hold a radio over my head outside your window, in an unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” – Grey’s Anatomy

Pick me.

I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. But, I have this feeling there is still something there. And if there is, I don’t want to give up on you or us. I’ve never been one to beg or plead. Attention isn’t something I have ever had to seek, in others. I’m not one to try too hard. I’ve always believed, if I have to try that hard, it’s the other person, that probably isn’t worth it.

But with you, every rule in the book doesn’t apply. I’ve completely lost myself to all of this. I don’t care how much of a fool I appear to be. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. Because you’re right, I’m crazy about you.

So I ask you to stop everything else with anyone, who might be in the picture. I ask you to pick me. Do it today. And I will pick you every day, from this day forward. Because you have never been a choice, but rather the only thing, that has ever made sense in my life. I didn’t have to pick you. My heart did.

So I’m standing here before you, begging and pleading to pick me because I don’t want to know what a life without you, is even like.

Choose me.

We all make choices in life, some little choices impact things here and there. But then there are those big choices, like choosing which road to go down. And it is the course you choose, that impacts your future and your life forever. Some choices are easy, others come bearing pain because eventually, someone prevails in the choice you have made. I hate that someone will get hurt in this, but I hate more that it could be me.

I’m asking you to choose me. And I may sound desperate. In fact, I know I do. But here I am putting it all on the line and holding nothing back. I want you and only you. I want us. Choose us today and forever.

Because I’ve only ever envisioned a future with you. And of the things that don’t scare me about my future, is if you are standing beside me.

Love me.

While our heart chooses who we love, we make the choice to stay in love, every day. Because love doesn’t just happen, but you work to keep that flame alive.

I’ve never questioned you, I’ve never questioned my love for you. I’ve only ever wanted you because you just seem to make so much sense in my life. I want you. I want you more than anyone. And if it’s not us in the end, I don’t know if I’ll be okay. Because I’ve only ever wanted us to make it. I just can’t seem to accept a story where it isn’t us in the end.

I know you are conflicted and it won’t be easy. The best things in life never are. But if you choose me, I’ll make it as easy as I can. If you choose me, I promise to love you, every day.

It’s only ever been you. And I have this feeling it’s always going to be. We always find our way back to each other, so instead of fighting it, I’m asking you to fearfully take my hand, as I do yours, and let’s see where this thing can take us.

Let’s see if we have it in us, to be that story people write. I want us to be the example others want to follow. Let us be that couple that makes everyone gag. Let’s live in our own little world, where the only thing that matters is each other. Because you are the only thing that has ever mattered in my world.

I want you. Not just want. I need you. Because the only thing that has ever made sense in my life has been you.

I want us to make it. And I pray we do. So here I am standing in front of you, playing every card I have, asking you to be mine. Now and forever.

“It’s not hard. It’s painful. You know what to do. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in so much pain.” -Grey’s Anatomy

An Open Letter To The Girl Who Deserves More Than An Almost Relationship

Open Letter – Almost Relationship

Almost relationships…They kind of sneak up on you. You’re running in these circles you never intended to for longer than you’d like to admit. You love him dearly. There’s never a question of how you feel. It’s always a question of how he feels that day.

You think it’s been so long he’s gotta feel something. And I’m sure he does care about you (if he didn’t, he wouldn’t still be around). I’m sure he’s even a semi-decent guy. You’ve seen parts to him that may, one day, revive your hope in him.

But the thing you have to understand, as much as he might “love” you, I think he loves the fact that you love him more. That isn’t ‘real love’. That’s selfishness and love is anything but selfish.

He may be a good guy, but how he treats you isn’t good. If he really cared about you it wouldn’t be an almost thing.

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If You Keep Forgiving Him And He Doesn’t Change, This Is For You

There’s no easy breakup and nobody wants to go through it unless it’s necessary, especially when we’ve been so invested in the relationship.

I tried absolutely everything to never experience the end.

The truth is, there comes a point where enough is enough. You shouldn’t keep fighting for someone who’s not learning from past mistakes and is comfortable being less than what you truly deserve.

You might conjure up every possible rationalization for his lack of effort to continue staying with him, but nothing can change the fact that he’s not going to change.

The relationship won’t change. It’s over and the best thing for you to do is walk away and move on.

Yes, It’s hard to admit that no matter how much you loved this person, it didn’t seem to be enough for him to love you back. He had endless chances to do the right thing, to change his ways and be fair to you and the relationship, but he didn’t.

You even took some of the responsibility because you didn’t want to seem pushy or overly dramatic.

You catered to his needs because you thought that your unconditional love would change him. He was worth trying your hardest to make things work, at least that’s what you thought.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you were patient, kind and understanding.

The thing is, the relationship might have been doomed from the beginning.

He is who he is, who he wants to always be and he never had the intention to change. You loved this person so much, you became blind to all the signs that were clearly telling you that he was going to step all over your heart. Unfortunately, he was never going to be the one for you.

You were in love with the idea of him, you were not in love with him.

So, everything that you think you’re missing about him is not real. The truth is, he couldn’t possibly be the man of your dreams if he didn’t measure up to your ideal.

He didn’t appreciate you, so he didn’t treat you with the loyalty and respect that you deserve. So, when you think of him, remember that he was never capable of changing. He was never going to be able to be the person that was going to make you feel whole.

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