Pray For These 21 People Who Said Super Awkward Things While Gettin’ It On

We all say stupid things some of the time. But some of us say really stupid things at the worst possible times. Reddit user BeaverMcstever recently brought these folks out of the woodwork when they asked, “What was the stupidest thing you have said/done during sex?” The answers were awkward and strange, but mostly hilarious.

1.

What she said to me: “I want to blow your brains out!”

What she meant: “I want to blow your mind!”

j_grouchy

2.

I shouted POUND IT INTO ME right in his face, for no reason. Scared the life out of him and he flopped in seconds. It haunts me sometimes. We are still together and it’s never mentioned but I burn with shame when I think of it

showusyourmickey

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3.

She said something along the lines of “you love my pussy, don’t you” and I thought it would be funny to reply “eh, it’s alright”

phonedesk

4.

Not me, but my ex [a straight girl] once drunkenly said my youngest sisters name in the heat of it. Ended things extremely quickly. I am a guy….

FreeSkittlez

5.

Getting a bj. Accidentally farted, decided to not say anything in hopes of it not smelling like absolute sh*t…20 seconds pass, it smelled like someone sh*t on the floor…needless to say it ended right there.

God_Damn_Goobacks

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6.

I called my boyfriend “Dad” instead of “Daddy”

MajorNugget

7.

One of the first times I was having sex with my first girlfriend I got a leg cramp mid thrust and just screamed out “My Leg!”

As I nearly flung myself off the bed. That fish from Spongebob became way funnier after that.

TheSoup05

8.

My ex is going to town on top of me. We’re both having a great time we’re both close. It’s about to be one of those magical moments where everybody cums together. He looks me in my eyes and asks if I like that. My stupid f**king mouth decided to say “Oh yeah” like the goddamn Kool-Aid man and then my boyfriend started laughing so hard he went soft.

WTF, me?

Yourhandsaresosoft

9.

Asked High School on/off girlfriend to marry me while mid climax. She declined.

mini6ulrich66

10.

I used to have a friends with benefits thing with this girl named Angela. After her, I started dating a girl named Andrea. One time I called Andrea Angela. That ended pretty quick.

PhilipLiptonSchrute

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11.

I was f**king a girl once and she asked if I could feel the Mediterranean breeze in her pussy.

halfandhalfmilk

12.

I was getting a pre-sex bj from my girlfriend and she turned on the TV for background noise and I happened to see that G.I. Joe was on so I said “is that G.I. Joe?” And she choked on my dick laughing and now it’s an inside joke

waterfinch

13.

My wife was feeling really frisky one night and was telling me she wanted me.

I tried to, in my sexiest voice, to sound all turned on and blurted, “Do you want some weiner sex?”

Needless to say, no, she didnt want weiner sex.

numbers17

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14.

When I was 16 and very inexperienced, I thought I be a little adventurous with my then-bf. So I slip my hand down his shorts hoping to give him a little joy, except I didn’t understand that dicks tend to tuck against one leg instead of floating right in the middle. Cue me patting him frantically and saying with genuine concern “where is it?” Didn’t live that down the next 2 years of that relationship.

epicPants_13

15.

I was with my then girlfriend. At the moment of truth I shouted, at the top of my lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

She froze, her eyes wide …And then she burst out laughing.

We’ve been married for over 20 years.

When the children aren’t around, she’ll randomly yell, at the top of her lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

20 year inside joke.

Still funny.

chetkincaid

16.

My girl once put her hand on my dick and said “pull the lever, Kronk!” when things were starting to get hot. I started laughing so much I couldn’t keep it hard.

plfwqekgqwnrgnw75731

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17.

I brought home a girl from a bar one night. She was on top, and asked me if I liked it rough. I said something like “yeah, baby”. I had my eyes closed for a few seconds, and when I opened them she had her fist cocked back, with a big sh*t eating grin on her face.

She clocked me in face (closed fist), and then was surprised when I pushed her off. I should never have had said “yeah”.

nokittythatsmypie

18.

I was experimenting with my girlfriend, we hadn’t done anything sexual before, and midway through teaching her how to give a handjob I said “I think you’ve got the grip of it”.

That was the end of that for the night.

FeatousHobbledehoy

19.

We were going at it, and my girl let out the perfect “uhhhh” sound, and that triggered a Pavlovian response in me where I blurted out “Na-nah -Na-nah”.

We had to stop and laugh our asses off for like five minutes before continuing.

Master P, for those who don’t get the reference.

Beeftech67

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20.

Before we began, I got up to go grab a condom. The girl was like, “Just so you know, I’m on birth control. I got the implant. You can feel it right here.”

Rather than say something like, I just like to be sure or something non offensive, I looked her dead in the eyes said, “Well, I’ve had a vasectomy. I don’t wear condoms to prevent babies.”

She never called me back.

Jckruz

21.

Having two very young kids we’ve become very familiar with a lot of nursery rhymes and what not, and one time during sexy times in the midst of it I somehow blurted out “Johnny Johnny yes papa….” Thankfully my wife had a sense of humor and she went “OH YES, YES, PAPA!”

Stop_PM_me_ur_boobs

 

11 Women Share The Reason They Ditched Their Fiancé At The Altar

If you’ve ever seen the film Runaway Bride, or watched the first (?) episode of Friends, then you know women can have both good and bad reasons to dump a partner at the altar. In Julia Roberts’ case, it was a crippling fear of commitment (though in actually, she’d never actually been in “true love” until the dashing Richard Gere swung through town.) In Rachel’s case, Barry was a dentist she didn’t really have a future with, and not just because he was cheating on her with BFF Mindy Hunter.

But both of those situations are fictional. If you’re ever curious about the true stories behind the altar-ditching behavior of some women out there, this AskReddit thread is for you:

11. He hated her mother:

Not me, a friend. The day of the wedding we were with her at a beauty centre. She had her wedding ring on. But when we were out she didn’t have it. Don’t know if it was lost or stolen She was definitely sad but not breaking the wedding sad.

When her fiancé found out he went on full beast mode that made her cry. And accused her mother of stealing the ring. He and her mother had troubles before. But no way her mother stole it. He apologized and the wedding went on.

But at the alter he joked about it or something and she couldn’t take it anymore and just walked away. She knew he’d never let it go.

10. An abusive dynamic, fueled by alcohol:

He had been abusive and was an alcoholic. He cheated on me and blamed it on my family and tackled me when I tried to leave. So I played along and agreed we’d get married in and move to another state away from my family.

I was supposed to meet him there and get married the day I arrived. I never got on the plane and changed my phone number and quit my job.

9. Which seems to be more common than you’d think:

My mom left my dad at the altar. I guess she got to the parking lot and just realized what a mistake the whole thing was. I guess he was a super controlling alcoholic, and despite having a good paying job was super cheap.

So she’d paid for her own wedding ring and the entire wedding herself without him contributing anything. She realized it was one thing to put up with that shit herself, but she didn’t want a kid to grow up around that.

She told her best friend to tell everyone to enjoy the catering and the party she’d paid for but she wasn’t going to be there and drove off.

8. This woman’s partner left her…he did her a favor:

I was left two weeks before my wedding, last year. He claimed he was scared and just needed more time. We had been together over four years and engaged for a year and two months. What really happened still blows my mind.

He had been having an affair and even before I found out, which took months, people were coming to me about how he had done this or that during the time we were together.

Like, why tf didn’t you tell me before? I was oblivious and blinded by love and the future we had planned.

Everything caught me off guard and I’m just now starting to recover, 10 months later.

7. This was probably for the best for all involved:

My good friend left her fiancé the night before their wedding. It was Texas in the early 90s, and she was engaged to a (nice enough) man. He’d always told her she was more than welcome to fool around with women as she liked.

They were sitting there the night before they got married and she told him she couldn’t do it because she was a lesbian, she’d always been a lesbian, and she just hadn’t ever been able to accept it.

It was hard on both of them, but in the end better that she finally was able to say it before they actually tied the knot.

6. Sometimes, a partner is secretly cheating:

Happened to a friend of mine: she found out that her would-be husband was cheating on her, on the morning of their wedding day.

The girl he was cheating with was a guest at the wedding, and she saw the preparations and how much the bride loved him, broke down in tears and told the bride. The girl he was cheating with was 19, his friend’s younger sister I think. I have her added on social media, she grew up into a good person.

The bride has moved to a different city and is happy in a relationship with a woman now. I remember the groom being depressed about the whole thing but don’t know what happened to him after that.

5. Being in love with someone else:

My friend did this. We were all in undergrad together. She had a colossal crush on a classmate. He was meh about it, but they were really good friends. She seemed to move on and dated someone else junior and senior year.

Then everyone moved on to grad school, some in different countries, including her crush. She met someone else there and fell in love, they shared hobbies, even had a photography page on Facebook together… The works. They dated for four years and finally decided to get married.

Two months before the wedding, she decides to take a trip all by herself to the US, where her crush was. We find it weird, but her fiance is cool with that, what’s our problem. I meet up with her, she’s tense about the wedding. Having never been anywhere close to an altar, I thought that was what people felt pre-wedding. She leaves on a camping trip with the ex and her college roommate for a week. The next day I’m walking around town and run into the college roommate and I’m like wtf. She was apparently never part of the plan. But the fiance’s cool with it, who am I to judge.

She comes back from the trip and is a little weird and tense. We go shopping for some stuff, and I notice she’s paying with the crush’s credit card. I remember thinking ‘what a nice guy he is, but she’s an investment banker, doesn’t she have her own money?’.

Anyway. She goes back home, posts all the pictures on Facebook, then is posting wedding countdown pictures….

Then one day I want to clip one of the pictures for my tinder profile and look for it on Facebook. It isn’t there. Heck, I can’t even find her on Facebook.

Then I hear from someone else that she walked out on the groom because she was still in love with the crush guy, and he finally reciprocated two days before the wedding.

Now she and crush guy are married and have kids. I really can’t get over the sh*ttiness of stringing the fiance along and publicly embarrassing him by walking out on the wedding day. But well, it’s better than being married to someone and being in love with someone else, I guess.

4. Simply being far too young:

Like most others her, not at the altar but the week of wedding. I waited until he went to work. I packed everything I had into my car. Ran off the the beach with another man. I was 18, my fiancée was 25. I just woke up that morning and decided that I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t get married when I didn’t even have any idea what I wanted to do with my life. Ten years later and I feel like I broke that man. I’ve moved on. He is still stuck. The last two times I’ve seen him he’s asked me to give him another chance.

3. Sometimes, there is no explanation:

Not at the altar but, my friend was dating this woman and they had planned the wedding a week before the wedding she canceled everything without explaining him anything. Two months later she married another man.

2. Sometimes, there is:

Best friend cousin: She was 35, virgin and into religion, left him just before the wedding night and joined a convent. God won I guess.

My cousin: The next day, the guy was a quite intensive pot smoker and had had a schizophrenia crysis. She freaked out and left him right away. Sad part about it: my cousin’s father is very racist, guy was black. It didn’t help making my cousin’s father change his racist views…

1. And sometimes, marrying somebody won’t help if they don’t know how to help themselves:

It’s been 6 months now and he quit his job and everything . All he wants to do it play video games and pretend to be a victim of life . It’s insane how blinded you can be , when your in the relationship. Now that I’m on the outside, it’s obvious that I dodged a huge bullet.

Waiters Are Sharing The Most Awkward Dates They’ve Ever Witnessed

All service industry employees and veterans have tales the rest of the world simply would not believe. The types of characters that reside in the kitchen and on the service floor are beyond description and sometimes even comprehension.

Though there are those patrons who are sweet, generous, and enjoyable to talk to, there seem to be far more freakazoids out there, intent on ruining somebody’s day.

Then there are couples. Couples who are clearly on their first date. Couples who take sadistic pleasure in torturing their server. Couples who are fighting, or cheating, or divorcing. These are their stories. Dun DUN (Law & Order sound effect).

Redditor u/StittDownAndListen recently asked the Reddit community, “Waiters and Waitresses of Reddit, what is the most awkward couple date you have ever witnessed at work?” The responses are bewildering, upsetting, and also somewhat hilarious.

1.

First date, I would estimate college age. They’re eating and the girl says “I’m having a really nice time, but my friend just texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes, so I actually have to go.”

youngandstarving

2.

Had a couple come in one night and everything seemed to be going fine. We just hired a new sever who was training and I asked her if she had any questions. She was still nervous about greeting tables so I told her she could shadow me and watch what I do.

We go over to the couples table and all I hear from the new server is “YOU F**KING BITCH I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME”

Turns out the guy was her bf on a date with his side chick and he didn’t know she just got a job there.

She didn’t get fired for what she said.

CigarJPug

3.

Husband and wife fight. Wife cried. Husband got up and threw a pizza slice at her face.

Agentx6021

4.

I guess you could call this a couple date. I was working at a wine bar when a married couple sat down on a pretty slow night. I went over the specials and they ordered. Once appetizers came out the man thought it would be a good idea to serve his wife divorce papers.

I did my best to avoid that side of the bar. I did bring out tissues for the wife who was breaking down. I ended up boxing up the dinner. The guy paid but I do not envy that ride home.

ThereandBack22

5.

When I was bartending this guy came into the bar on a week night, average looking guy, late twenties. He sat down and asked for a drink and told me he was nervous because it was his first date in 3 years and they had met on tinder. He arrived 20 minutes before her expected arrival to get rid of some of his nerves….two hours passed and he waited for her with no text or call explaining she would be late.

This woman walks in, walks up to the guy and I’m thinking “wow! She really came! “ . She looks at him and says “Are you Joe?”, the guy replies yes and gets up to properly greet her looking incredibly excited….she says “no thanks…” and just leaves.

What a foul creature.

Joe(not his real name) and I proceeded to get way too drunk for a Tuesday. Poor average Joe.

Corticulture

6.

There’s a habit of some older couples where the elderly gentleman will order on behalf of his wife. I guess it might have been cute and romantic once, but it doesn’t work with some younger couples.

I was serving a younger couple (early 20s), who seemed pretty early into the relationship. They were ordering drinks and he orders her drink for her.

Far from being dazzled by him knowing what she wanted, she didn’t want any of it “Well I’d actually like a latte, not a coke. But fine whatever, if I don’t get a say…”

He responded quite angrily with “oh sorry, have what you want then!” She got her latte and he glared at me. They ate and left.

Not been in since, I’m sure they’re doing well.

Durnovarian

7.

Couple came into the restaurant dressed very goth. I wasn’t their server but I was running the cash register just a few feet away. They proclaimed to everyone that they were energy vampires, but not to fear them because they won’t hurt us.

They said they didn’t need our food for sustenance, but enjoyed the tasted. After ordering the meal they then politely asked the waitress if she would stick around for a second so they could feed off of her aura so they could have enough energy for the night.

The waitress said ok and gave me a side glance over her shoulder that I knew meant “I better get a good tip for this”… The couple clasped each other’s hands, closed their eyes, and made sucking sounds for a solid minute before leaning back in the seats and sighing as if they had just had a turkey dinner.

The waitress was indeed tipped well for her delicious energy.

hexiron

8.

Served a deaf couple having a fight. They went from both of them signing furiously to her crying and signaling to me for a stack of napkins for, I assumed, her tears. She whips out a pen and starts writing paragraph after paragraph angrily.

It was awkward because i kept having to come back to the table since they ordered multiple courses and he was just eating and signing while she was hunched over the table writing away while crying.

When they finally left they tipped me pretty well though so I guess it wasn’t too bad?

MidgeT-rex

9.

When I was a waitress at Olive Garden, one of my tables was going over their divorce paperwork. When I greeted the table I asked how everyone was and the woman said, “Terrible! We are getting a divorce.”

Like wtf do I say to that?

kiwikoopa

10.

There was a couple at my work having drinks, girl went to the toilet, came back and admitted that she’d been sleeping with the guys brother. Apparently glasses were thrown across the room and they both got kicked out.

Foxjessie

11.

Not exactly a date- but I served a couple one time who had met up to discuss the terms of their divorce at the fancy-ish restaurant I worked at at the time.

They came before the dinner rush so they were pretty much my only table, and every-time I’d check in on them the wife was extremely angry/tearful and they were bickering about holiday schedules for their daughter/timeshares etc.

It wasn’t the end of the world but it was extremely awkward to butt in to change our their forks or refill drinks while they were so emotionally charged.

spoooky_spice

12.

A girl brought two tinder dates and played them off each other game show style. They seemed to be unaware this was what would happen. Splitting the bill was hilarious.

prosperpines

Men Are Sharing The Best Compliment They’ve Ever Gotten And It’s So Pure I Could Cry

We need more good vibes in the world. The simplest way to do that is…more compliments! When’s the last time you got a compliment? When’s the last time you paid one? If you can’t remember, then you don’t have enough compliments in your life.

Redditor u/MostarRed asked the Men Of Reddit, “What is that one compliment you got that you’ll never forget?” and the answers were SO WHOLESOME (most of them…) it pulls at the heartstrings.

25.

“You’re really funny. You should talk to people more.” I have social anxiety and that was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me imo.”

WilexAlson

24.

“I was shopping for clothes with my wife and kid about a year ago, and I went to pay while they’d wait outside. As I approached the cashier, she put down whatever she was doing and turned to greet me, and that’s when she made a genuinely confused/embarrassed face.

She noticed that she confused me with that reaction and apologized completely saying that she was a bit blown away when she saw my face – she wasn’t expecting to see someone so good-looking and it startled her I guess.

It was a nice ego boost at the time since she was quite attractive actually, and I was probably at my fattest, but I guess I had a good beard and hair day lol.”

MostarRed

 

23.

“Delivered a pizza to 2 drunk chicks, as i was walking away they yelled that i should turn the AC on in my car. I turned around just as one yelled “CAUSE YOU’RE LOOKIN PRETTY HOT” as she slammed the door. That was a good day.”

expertofwombats

22.

“I dated this girl for a few months about a year and a half ago. Everything was going well but then she just ghosted me and I didn’t hear from her for 8 months. I didn’t think much of it but then she got into contact with me and explained that she had went back to her home country because there was an emergency with her family.

We reconciled but I had just started dating another girl and told her I didn’t want to get back together with her because of that. Anyway, about a week later, I heard from a mutual friend that had been out with her that if she said ‘If I had known I would have never let him go. No other guy has treated me anywhere near as good as he did.’”

favoritemusic1982

21.

When I worked at Chipotle back when they had long lines, a lady in her 40’s got her food, ate, then got back in line. She got to the front, I wait to take her order and she just says “I wanted to tell you that you are going to make a great father one day.” I was a little confused but said thanks and then she left. Still a bit confused where that came from, but a compliments a compliment. Still feels good.

MentallyUnchallenged

20.

“I feel safe when I am with you”

NorthRider

19.

“i been walking the same route for over a year for exercise trying to lose weight. i had lost about 120 pounds by this time when i heard a womans voice i did not know call out to me from her back yard. “im proud of you, you have lsot a lot of weight” i havent seen her since but to me that helped me stay motivated hearing that.”

duthgar1976

18.

“Some little girl in a cart, in a grocery store, once said ‘he’s pretty,’ about me, to her mother. I could hear her mother telling her ‘thats not what we say to boys.’ I didnt bother to say anything, but I wouldve told her that its ok to call anyone pretty.”

Rockies14

17.

“Some years back, when kiddo was an infant, I was grocery shopping with kiddo in the cart. I noticed a cute woman in the veggie section as I was getting stuff. A couple minutes later I helped an older woman who was in a motorized wheelchair. I was in no rush that day, so I went with her and got stuff from shelves.

There were folks who had helped my grandmother with stuff like that, so I was trying to pay it forward. Also kiddo was really charmed by her, so they flirted and it was really cute. I get her to the front, then go back to my shopping. A minute after that, I’m grabbing a couple frozen things and the cute woman comes up.

She says something along the lines of “I see your ring, and I swear I’m not trying to hit on you, but you’re very cute, and then I saw you being nice to that lady, and playing with your baby, and now you’re super cute, and your wife is really lucky!”

There were some ums and stammers in there, and she blushed as I thanked her, and then raced off. But damn, y’all. That was some top-notch complimenting, and I damn near strutted out of that store.”

PrehensileUvula

16.

“I was out back building a new deck on my house and my daughter came outside to tell me she thought I was doing a good job and that she was proud of me for being able to build a deck.”

Lars_lars_lars

15.

“Was working in a restaurant and told a guest that I would have the bartender make them a really annoying off-menu cocktail. Put in the order, walked to the bar to beg her to make this cocktail that I know she hates dealing with. She looks at me and sighs and says “That grin should be illegal.” and proceeds to make the cocktail. Still makes me smile to myself.”

BakedGoose

14.

“I’m a little self conscious of my laugh because it literally sounds like a dying hyena, and I’ve had a couple girls tell me “OMG I love your laugh” and “you have the best laugh”, that always puts a smile on my face thinking about that.

Also, I met one other person in my life who has the same laugh as me and we actually met in school, and we would sometimes sit on opposite sides of the classroom and then when one of us would laugh the other one would laugh and then it sounded like an echo chamber or a zoo or something, it was really funny.”

mayhempk1

13.

“‘I really like your speech pattern’- One of my old coworkers.”

Zaprozhian

12.

“I was talking to my ex and a few of his friends about this girl I knew in high school, Cecily. I said “she’s the kind of person that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world when you’re talking to her. She engages so deeply and always seems really interested in what you’re saying to her.”

One of his friends said “Downvoteallofthem, I think you’re one of those people” and everyone else in the car voiced their agreement. It was the coolest thing that ever happened to me. I’ll never forget that.”

Downvoteallofthem

11.

“Once, a blind girl that I helped to arrive at her place, she told me that she could feel my very good vibes and she was comfortable walking with me because that. I won’t forget that.”

Edgarbc9411

10.

“Goddamn. You just blew every compliment I’ve ever gotten out of the water. My best was on tinder. I’d rate myself a 5-6 most days, but capable of a 7 with proper effort. And this range is displayed in my photo choices so my matches know what they’re getting.

I matched with a perfect 10 once. Unfortunately not for the reason I wanted. But she goes “im sorry, I’m honestly not interested. But I had to match with you and tell you how gorgeous your eyelashes are. I’m super jealous.”

Definitely not as good as yours, but it made me feel good that a girl I saw as a 10 wanted a physical feature that I had.”

_ _celli

9.

“the last words my grandma said to me…. ‘oh look youre so handsome’”

redditor50613

8.

“A girl I worked with once asked if I could give her a ride home because her ride wasn’t able to pick her up. I did, and asked her out to dinner, which she agreed to. While we were at dinner, she confessed: “I didn’t actually need a ride home. I just wanted a ride from a cute guy.”

I was riding that compliment for months.”

glory_of_dawn

7.

“On a night out, I had a girl tell me I looked like Waldo, then proceeded to flirt with me. 11/10 the funniest compliment I’ve ever received.”

RandomRedditor1916

6.

“When I got my MA, a professor of mine came over to congratulate me after the ceremony. She said “You didn’t speak much in my classes, but when you did I always listened because I knew what you said would matter.” It was a really simple statement at the time, but I think about it often.”

therealfuckderek

5.

“I was at a funeral and my old school bus drivers wife who I had never met looked at me and said “you must be one of those (my last name) I said “yes,” She said “I knew it when I saw your eyes”. It made sense to me. It’s happened my whole life.

My whole family has large brown eyes and I’m always recognized for that so I said “yeah, we all have big brown eyes”. She said “That’s not exactly it. You all have kind eyes. You can tell by looking at a (my last name) they are genuine and good people” probably the most sincere compliment I’ve gotten.”

Lookinggood2

4.

“My uncle was a world renowned chef. Cooked for kings, queens, and every US president from Nixon to Clinton. I grilled him a venison steak once and he said “wow, this is really good.” I will wear that as a badge of honor for for the rest of my days.”

2PhatCC

3.

“Was at Starbucks and the attractive barista asked for my name to put on the cup. I told her, but when I got my cup it said “handsome guy :)”. Made my week haha”

vvtuav

2.

“I’ve been very depressed lately. I’ve never felt a low like this before. My roommate noticed because I stopped doing the dishes on my designated days, which is unlike me; I just couldn’t find the energy or motivation.

I told her and she started writing encouraging notes on our shared bathroom mirror with dry erase markers. Yesterday she wrote “5 things that make ColourfulFunctor awesome”, and today she wrote “I am a better person because of you, ColourfulFunctor”.

I think she literally saved my life. I’m still struggling, but I’m so lucky to have her.”

ColourfulFunctor

1.

I worked with a hilarious black lady that didn’t get out much because she had just had a baby so the alcohol had gotten to her at the christmas party and while we were both waiting for our spouses to pick us up she was like

Her: is your wife picking you up?

Me: Yeah

Her: Is she fine as shit? I bet she’s fine as shit, cause you fine as shit.

Wife drives up in her car and she walks right over to her and tells her to roll the window down

Her: Damn she is fine as shit, yall have fun getting it tonight.

Made both my wife and I feel really really good about ourselves that night haha.

wheresmywhere

Apparently A Lot Of People Have ‘Poop Knives’ And They’re Worse Than You Think

So when I heard about this so-called ‘poop knife’ I thought it had to be a phrase from ‘Cards Against Humanity.‘ Unfortunately, I was very much mistaken. The ‘poop knife’ was shared with us by a Reddit user LearnedButt, and I’m equally confused and disgusted. This can’t be a common thing, can it? His story begins with sharing on how his family has some sort of genetically enhanced super pooping thing. I don’t know, don’t look at me. Things only seem to get stranger as the entire story begins to unfold. I’m just hoping LearnedButt, and his family is the only family with a ‘poop knife.’

[Light] My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

“My what?”

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

“Wtf is a poop knife?”

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