I May Be A Lot, But I Promise You I Am Worth It.

I’m a lot, I know…

You see, you are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last before I go to bed. I think about you often throughout the day and wonder what you are doing, and what you are thinking about because a guy as smart and funny as yourself must have something interesting on his mind. I also am thinking about how lucky I am to call you mine. I can be clingy and overbearing I will admit and sometimes I feel like I may be blowing up your phone when I am not with you but the truth is, once we part our ways I miss you instantly and I wonder and hope you are missing me too.

Truth is, I can’t make plans with you soon enough… knowing that we have a “set date” or we have “plans” is what helps me hold on and know that I AM going to be seeing you again.

That sounds dramatic and clingy and maybe a bit stalker-ish I know…I promise I’m not a stalker!

Now that you know a few of these things, I think it’s time I tell you how I became this way. No, I wasn’t always like this, I was unconsciously made this way. Yes, I know we joke about my ex’s but in reality, they took a toll on me.

You see, the first one slept with my “best friend” and got her pregnant. The second told me I wouldn’t have anything to worry about that she was just a friend but failed to tell me that they were FWB in the past and slept with her the night he called things off. The third … The third hit me like a truck. This one was long-distance but we made it work somehow for over a year. It wasn’t until the end that I realized all the manipulation and emotional abuse that was set on to me. That relationship was full of ultimatums, changes, and sacrifices that I WOULD have to make to be able to be with him.

This relationship was the one that made me question and change everything… my hair, my style, my room… Everything.

After a bit of time, I eventually healed and I was able to move on, I met someone. This one lasted for about a year… he was older and more mature. He promised me the world, but never followed through on any of those promises… After some time, it was back-sided compliments and mind games, If I didn’t agree with something he said or did, as well, as if I “did something wrong” it was the silent treatment until I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what I did to make him upset. Nothing I did was good enough. I could work my ass off and it still wasn’t enough until he finally had enough and just left… he had no more use for me and just left.

I swore I was done after that, and then you came along.

Yes, then you came along and you changed the game. You are always there and you are always reliable, you are strong and steady. You have turned into my rock, my safe place. When I am having a panic attack or when I am just having a bad day you are the one I want and the one I want to be with. Once I am with you all of my worries melt away…

Cheesy I know, but it’s true.

I feel all the things, and I feel them deeply and love so hard…

I know I may be a lot and I know I may be overbearing sometimes. I just want to say thank you for your patience and for loving me through it all, thank you for loving me for being me. I promise to make it worth it, I promise to love you with my whole heart each and every day.

Thank you for being so amazing.

About The Author:

Ashley Denton is a creative artist whose mediums include music, theater, dance, and creative writing. This girl thrives on coffee, adventure, and exploration. Ashley has been writing professionally for five years and editing for four. Ashley is also one of Puckermob’s newest editors.

No Matter How Hard I Try, I Just Can’t Bring Myself To Hate You

I don’t hate you. In fact, I’m incapable of hating you because “hate” is such a strong word, such a strong emotion, that I really can’t imagine hating you. I’m incapable of hating you because you really are a great person and I truly believe you weren’t thinking clearly when you decided to be dishonest.

Who knows? Maybe you were thinking clearly and just didn’t actually care. But I don’t want to think of you that way.

You hid things so well I never would have guessed you were seeing someone else at the same time as me. I’m not sure if you’re just that good at hiding things and lying about your feelings or if you really felt those things and for whatever reason chose not to end things with either she or me.

You sat here next to me and lied every day.

How did that not eat at you every time we spoke on the phone or every time you came over and sat next to me on my bed?

Pages: 12

This is How He Lost What Could Have Been True Love

You are shocked?

You might feel puzzled and betrayed, but really, how dare you feel that way? She clearly walked away because you couldn’t make her a priority in your heart. You just couldn’t see past your bullshit and realize that she was everything you could ever want. And you couldn’t see how much she put into trying to make you happy, always putting herself last and making you the center of her world.

You Wasted Her Time

It was all a big waste of her sweet, gentle heart. She slowly started losing pieces of herself, until one day she had to put herself first and realized that your half-ass love was no longer going to be enough for her. You went from being the most important person in her life to her biggest mistake and hardest regret to live with.

Enough was enough, she didn’t deserve to get so little from you, but at least she knows she tried her best, and she’s walking away convinced that her heart deserves a real man and not you.

Don’t count on her ever coming back but in case you’re wondering what you could have done differently to own her heart, it’s simple. You could have recognized that true love was staring right at you and you could have jumped at the chance to have someone willing to love all of you wholeheartedly.

Pages: 123

This is Why You Shouldn’t Allow His Toxic “Love” to Influence Your Heart

Why You Should Avoid His Toxic “Love”

Bad News

The second I met him, I knew he was bad news. He brought chaos to my life but still was somehow my calm in my storm. My life was a routine, but then he made it an adventure. Everything changed the day he walked into my life. Good and bad, we went through it all together.

I wanted it to work out, I really did. And I held on for as long as I could but he made my life spin out of control. I lost grip on my own life. And I lost sight of who I was and who I wanted to be. He made me forget about the rest of my life so I could focus on him. Our relationship became so toxic, I forgot about life before him.

Investing In Toxic

I knew it was toxic but it made walking away impossible. I was so invested in him. Our relationship became everything to me and I couldn’t picture life without him. So I worked on myself so I could be perfect for him. I conformed to who he wanted me to be. It felt like I was brainwashed.

Apologetic Me

Apologies became my new thing. Whether it was apologizing for being myself or doing what makes me happy. It was my way of getting him to love me. Thought that if I was sorry he would believe that I was perfect for him.

Wanted To Be Worthy

Just wanted to be good enough and worthy of love. The type of love I never had before. I didn’t want to be hurt again so instead I blurred reality until I saw what I wanted to see. I made our toxic relationship look perfect in every way but it was far from being perfect.

My Reality Blurred

The day I realized I was blurring my own reality was the day I walked away. I didn’t want a love that wasn’t real. And I wanted a love that I felt worthy of and brought me happiness. I needed someone who loved me as much as I loved them.

Hard To Forget

So I try to forget the toxic boy who treated me like I belonged outside with the trash. Forgetting the feeling of not being enough and not being able to see reality. Putting in the past all the hurt and the pain he caused.

It is just not that easy though. His narcissistic lies seem like truths. At one point, I believed in our love and so him begging for me to come back made all the good memories come back but not the bad. I long to be loved, and every time he comes back he promises he will love me right this time. He says he will change and do anything to make me happy.

Every time I consider it and wonder if just maybe he really means it this time. I question if we could have a happy ending, but deep down I know that’s not possible and that he’s just trying to fill my heart with empty promises. We are too toxic, I need to put myself first. When I say it is over this time, I mean it.

Time To Move On

When he tries to come back this time, I won’t fall for it. This time I am done for good. I’m never going to look back. Not now, and not ever. In the past, I let him walk all over me, now I am finally standing up for myself. I don’t need any more of his toxic negativity, I deserve more, I deserve better.

I walked away to better myself. So I don’t blame him or hate him for everything he did. He is only a memory now and a lesson learned. I deserve better than toxic.