Woman Shares The Insane Story Of Going On A Date With A Guy Who Works In A Morgue

Some first date stories are bad. But, some first date stories are f**king awful. Like, I mean, so awful they are almost unbelievable. The ones that you hear and say: “Nah, no shot that’s true.” And then you stop and realize how truly disgusting some humans can be and swear off dating for the rest of your life.

Twitter user Jacqueline shared the story of her friend’s date with a morgue worker and—brace yourselves, this is disgusting.

Her friend met the guy on Tinder.

After the date, they hook up and have sex. It gets…graphic.

After letting him plant his seed all over her chest, she has a rash the next day.

She decides to go to the doctor, who then sends her to a dermatologist.

And, they found “tiny parasites” under her skin.

The doctor says the only way a person gets these kinds of parasites are from having sex with animals or having sex with dead people.

As it turns out—the guy works in a morgue.

I’m just…

And, Twitter feels the same.

https://twitter.com/saintnandos/status/830043506768912384

https://twitter.com/AllEyesOnMe93/status/829080622790537218

PSA: Stop having sex with people you barely know, y’all.

Woman Begs Internet For Advice After Receiving Horrendous Engagement Ring

Getting engaged is a monumental moment in every woman’s life—they look forward to it for years. While many woman dream of their “ideal ring,” there are those who will be happy with anything their partner chooses—with some exceptions.

One soon-to-be-bride shared her story on Reddit, saying that she was “so excited to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years.” However, the ring was so bad that she had no idea what to do. She said that she and her boyfriend had “discussed” some things she “didn’t want,” but she had never expected to receive this.

Twitter
Twitter

She asked the Internet for some help in how to approach the conversation about getting a new ring because let’s face it—she can’t rock this every day.

Twitter

She then shared a photo of the ring…wow, just WOW.

I can’t even believe this is real. And, neither can Twitter.

https://twitter.com/pushing30withk/status/932748627939700737

https://twitter.com/r1nabeana87/status/933038985340911617

If I were her, I’d throw my whole fiancé away, too.

Linda Cardellini Confronted Seth McFarlane About The Time She Got Fired From ‘Family Guy’ And Oh Boy, Is It Awkward

Linda Cardellini and Seth McFarlane appeared on The Late Late Show With James Corden this week. Corden was talking with McFarlane about how long Family Guy has been on the air when Corden mentioned that Cardellini, who you may remember from the very excellent Freaks and Geeks, or more recently, Bloodlines and Mad Men, would be a good voice on the show.

That gave Cardellini the opportunity to bring up that, interestingly enough, she was on McFarlane’s animated show once. Only, she got fired.

Meanwhile, McFarlane is sipping from his mug, probably wishing he could melt into the couch.

Here is that very awkward moment:

Cardellini explained that she wasn’t actually fired. What happened was, when she went to watch the show, after excitedly telling people to tune in, she learned she’d been replaced by another actor. And no one had even told her!

McFarlane said, “I hope you didn’t have people over to your house to like, watch the show or anything like that,” and Cardellini responded, “I mean, I might have.”

Honestly, there really is no excuse for something like this. McFarlane said he didn’t remember the situation, which may or may not be true, but it was his show, and he’s ultimately responsible. It would be nice if he could at least apologize!

In the end, McFarlane said, “I’ll say what I say whenever something like this happens: Can I offer you something on American Dad?” Hmm, “whenever something like this happens”? Does it happen often? Because if so, maybe get it together, McFarlane?

You can watch the whole clip below, but prepare to cringe!

h/t: BuzzFeed

Fans Share The Worst Experience Meeting A Celebrity They Once Admired

When you admire and really look up to a celebrity or famous person, you often dream of the day you meet them in person. While it may never happen, if it does happen, you’d want it to be something you’ll remember for the rest of your life. But, not in a “that was the most disappointing experience of my life” kind of way. Sometimes, when we put celebs on a pedestal and treat them as though they’re the best things to ever happen to the world, meeting them can be disappointing and a letdown. However, some famous people are straight up rude to fans when they meet them and that is the worst of all. Fans online are sharing the most disappointing moments when meeting a celeb that they admired and it’ll make you rethink ever wanted to meet a celeb again.

Drew Carey:

I was a Drew Carey fan, now I think Drew Carey is a dick.

I was born and raised in Toledo, Ohio. After graduating college I moved to the “big city” of Cleveland, Ohio. This was around the height of popularity for The Drew Carey show. He did a great job portraying himself as this Midwest, holsome, good guy rube. There were all these stories about him showing up in Cleveland bars and buying the entire place drinks, etc,etc. everyone in that city Loved him (Or at least his image)and his tv show.

About this time he booked a stint doing a stand up routine in Vegas . The local radio stations were all over promoting the local “hero’s” act.. Part of all this promotion was giving a lucky caller round trip airfair, hotel and tickets to the Vegas show complete with a meet and greet. I was the lucky caller! The entire trip was great except for that “meet and greet” part.

Someone should have told me the rules! I was unaware that introducing yourself to a celebrity at a meet and greet was a faux pas ..

Let me set the scene. An entire Bar was rented out for his cast and crew along with a couple “winners” like me. Nice place, very dark and trendy. I was in my early 20’s and oddly enough, a little nervous about meeting a celebrity and more looking forward to hanging out after enjoying way too many free drinks and pretty girls.

I brought a gift for Drew, because I’m from Ohio and that’s what we do. So I walk into this club with a custom made glass paperweight that encapsulated a 24k gold Cleveland coin.. and who is the first person I see? You guessed it.. Drew Carey sitting at the first table .. I don’t know if I was star struck or what because I didn’t notice his company or anything else really, at first.. so in my mind I just thought “let’s say hello, give him his gift and get on with the party! I walked right up to Drew and introduced myself, told him I won the contest, loved his show and presented him a gift and thanked him…. That’s when the stuff got weird.. my introduction and comments were literally less than 30 seconds and I turned to walk away toward the bar.. I began to hear and notice things as I turned.. I noticed Drew was with what appeared to be 4 prostitutes, there are things on the table that I recognized from my fraternity house and I hear some of the staff saying “he Didn’t talk to Drew!!” Behind me .. was his entire persona bullcrap? I look back and see Drew throwing the paperweight and yelling to his mussel guys “That one!!” That was it, 3 minutes into my Vegas night of free drinks and trying to hook up with C list celebrities, I was thrown out on my ass.. he even had the people that talked to me thrown out for good measure! What a dick.

It was years ago, but I still can’t stand to see him on television.

Sylvester Stallone:

I worked as a waiter at the Pacific Grill restaurant at the Four Seasons Maui in 1993ish -1996ish. At the time, the hotel was voted by Condé Nast magazine as the #1 hotel in the world. We regularly had celebrities as guests.

a real ass. Much shorter and tinier in person than I expected. His entourage were rude jerks as well, very demanding, entitled asses. When I tried to take his order, one of his cronies butted in and acted as if I broke a rule by speaking directly to him. They made several unusual food requests and had the attitude of ‘you know who we are, right?’ I felt like they did their best to make sure I felt like it was such an honor to serve him and I was lucky to be demeaned by them. Heard a rumor after he checked out that he left a turd in the shower of his hotel room. I was a fan of his movies and never viewed them the same after.

Anthony Daniels:

My father was a curator in Edinburgh (Scotland, UK) when I was growing up and I was fortunate to meet a few ‘celebs’ who opened exhibitions for him.

The absolute worst was Anthony Daniels, a.k.a. C3PO from Star Wars. He opened an exhibition called ‘The Art of Star Wars’ and was a rude, egotistical prima donna.

When my father tried introducing us to him he flat-out refused on the grounds that he was “preparing for his performance” (i.e. reading a very short speech) and virtually shoved us out of the room. Later, once this scintillating and arduous ‘performance’ was over, he declared it was “Time for [the official] photos!” and clapped his hands at the guests like he was a school teacher and we were rowdy pupils. He herded us into place and physically repositioned some people, quite literally pushing them around. We were all holding little exhibition guides that had his image on the cover and he walked around adjusting each and every one so that his face was visible. Only then could the photos proceed.

What an utter arse! I’m a huge Star Wars fan and now every time C3PO is on screen all I can think is “wanker.” ?

My father theorised that because Daniels is seldom recognised, what with the full-body robot costume, he acts like a complete prima donna to compensate. I think there’s something in that.

Funnily enough, a few years earlier my father had an exhibition on Star Trekthat was opened by Mr ‘Scotty’ Scott himself, James Doohan (as well as the lady who played Deeanna Troy in The Next Generation). Mr Doohan could not have been more polite, gracious and kind. A really lovely man, a proper gentleman. Funny too.

To put Mr Daniels’ behaviour into perspective, my father has met and worked with a lot of famous people over the years, from Joni Mitchell and Sean Connery to ex-British Prime Ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, the Princess Royal Princess Anne (who according to his colleagues was quite taken with him), Her Majesty the Queen (who’s regularly drafted in to open things) and the Dalai Lama. He says that without a doubt the most difficult and obnoxious person he ever had to deal with was Anthony Daniels.

Lauren Hutton:

I grew up in NYC (Manhattan), so I saw and met and hung out with a lot of famous people. But the worst was LAUREN HUTTON. She was a model / wannabe actress. I was working at a Godiva store that had a small cafe with cake and ice cream. My dad had a crush on her, so I was extra nice. I don’t ask for autographs, but I figured as she was done I’d ask for my dad.

She ordered a hot chocolate. Easy, right? I made it and brought it to her table. Not good enough — she wanted it literally boiling when I put it down. I smiled, apologized, heated it and brought it back with heat bubbles on top.

Again, not good enough. I boiled the damn thing until it literally burned my hand boiling over and finally, FINALLY, it was ok.

I took care of my 2nd degree burn until I had to ring her up (she had to wait a while for the hot chocolate to cool before drinking it, which drove me nuts. Why did she need it brought boiling only to wait while it cooled? This was long before cellphones and she didn’t have a book, simply stared out the window).

I don’t remember the exact amount, but she had me break a hundred dollar bill and there were coins, a few singles, and a five, plus some twenties. She dropped the coins on my burned hand and left. I wanted to punch her by that point.

So, instead of her autograph, I had a burn on my hand which, over 20 years later, is faded but still there. Thanks, LAUREN HUTTON.

Ron Perlman:

The first movie I ever saw Ron Perlman in was his role as Hellboy.

I absolutely loved that movie and thought Ron was the shit.

One day, my parents and I were taking a vacation, and we decided to spend the day at Santa Monica pier in Los Angeles. What to our surprise, we were in one of the parking lots, getting ready to go to the pier, when my dad spies Mr. Perlman standing next to a car.

My dad was also a huge fan of Ron, and decided he would brave a confrontation to ask for a simple picture and maybe an autograph from him.

As my dad approached, Mr. Perlman’s face screwed up into a powerful scowl, eyeballing my dad as he snaked past a few cars. My dad approached Mr. Perlman and asked him for his autograph.

Mr. Perlman simply lowered his shades to look my dad right in the eye and said two simple words:

“Fuck off.”

That was it. He then turned around and went back to doing whatever it was he was doing before my dad approached.

Now, I get that celebrities are often hassled, berated, and approached by fans all the time for photos and autographs and what have you, and this can get tiresome and irritating; I get it. But it’s also kind of something you generally have to expect from being a celebrity.

But that does not call for rudeness. A simple “Hey, I’m sorry, but not now, I’m kind of busy” would have sufficed.

This guy was huge to me and my dad. We both loved him for the roles he played, we thought he was a fantastic actor.

Now I guess we know why most of his characters are jack-asses. Because he himself is one.

People Confess The Most Awkward Thing That Ever Happened To Them While Self-Lovin’

Let’s face it—sometimes in order to get the job done, we have to do it ourselves. This reigns true for several things in life, but, for sure it reigns true for giving ourselves some pleasure and TLC. While we may map out some time in our day/night to get down with ourselves, sometimes, things go wrong, things happen, and awkwardness presents itself front and center. How do we live these moments down? Welp, we don’t. So, instead, we share them online. Thankfully, some people have the balls to confess their awkward masturbation stories for our laughing pleasure.

1.

When I was younger, the only way I could get off was with the showerhead. For a while, I’d prop my foot up on the soap dish that was attached to the shower wall to get a better angle. After months or years of doing this, I guess it couldn’t take my weight anymore. It came crashing down off the wall mid-session. My parents still haven’t repaired that portion of the wall.

jennc14

2.

I was spending a few days at my best friends house after a breakup to recover. He has two cats and they were doing their own thing so I was sitting in the living room and decided to have some personal time. He and I had talked about masturbation around the house before so I didn’t feel weird or gross about doing it in his house. Anyways, I am just going at it and all of a sudden I hear an “ahem” and my name coming from the corner. I looked up and learned that he had installed a kitty cam to watch his cats and I was unintentionally putting on a webcam show for him. And to make things worse, I learned later that he was showing his boss and we aren’t sure if she’s aware of what transpired, but my friend definitely did.

sethrmarshall

3.

I have a 5-year old nephew and we’re pretty close. He used to let himself in my room because he always wanted to play, especially when I’m sleeping during the day (I work night shifts). I was masturbating one morning when he opened the door asking for a bottle of milk. He even asked why I had no clothes on. I just told him I was going to change clothes and afterwards, I told him to knock first before entering any room. It took him a while to practice that. And to let you know, my doorknob is broken so he could easily come in. I’m not willing to change it so from now on, I block my door every time I masturbate.

Joy Victoria

4.

This wasn’t me, but my man and I had a long distance thing going so we would send each other videos. We had been wanting to for a while but stuff kept getting in the way till finally one night we could. Right as he was at the finish line his parents walked in to talk to him. They just walked right back out.

darlene00

5.

After moving into my college dorm, a big group of us all decided to get to know each other and go see some museums. We walk into one of the museums and there’s a bag check so the security guards have to check that you don’t have any weapons or anything. Well, I had forgotten that I had my vibrator in there until the very old security guard pulls it out and holds up before asking “um, ma’am what is this” and I had to explain in was a vibrator in front of all the new people I had met at school and all the other people visiting the museum. What a great way to make friends the second day after moving in for your freshman year of college.

k41c14825c

6.

My boyfriend at the time and I were having phone sex while I still lived with my dad, and when I started getting handy with my tatas (I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and underwear) I felt something move under my shirt. I cringed and calmly hung up the phone, sat upright, and lifted up my shirt.

A tarantula (my least favorite animal) was perched on my boobs.

I screamed bloody murder and woke up my dad, to which he stormed into my room to find me in my underwear, screaming with a tarantula on my tits.

To this day, I have no idea how the tarantula got there.

teaformirsarue

7.

I’d been in the shower with my vibrator/dildo when my dad knocked on the doer loudly to inform me that my step brothers pit bull has attacked my Pomeranian and had to be rushed to the vet. I quickly jumped out and got dressed to go with my dog. Only after getting home did I realize I’d left my vibe in plain sight in the middle of the bathroom floor with the door open while the rest of our family was home. Made a bad day worse.

alaynag4417b1433

8.

I used to live with two girls in college and one time when we were all hanging out in the living room I went into my room to masturbate to some porn. I was confused as to why the volume on my phone wasn’t working and then all of a sudden I realized my phone was still connected to the bluetooth speaker that was in the living room. I could hear my roommates talking laughing about it and i was MORTIFIED. Now I’m always paranoid about the bluetooth.

allieb4cd12b4a5

9.

When I was about 7, I had just discovered masturbation and I was going at it when my mum walked in. For some reason, instead of stopping, I kept going but brought my hand up so I was frantically rubbing my stomach. I then proceeded to say « my stomach feels funny » after she had JUST watched all of that.

janes4edbdbb7b

10.

I was watching porn on my phone and it was slipping out of my hand. My boyfriend wasn’t home and his step mom had her entire family over (about 16 people) for Christmas Eve dinner. Well the phone slipped out of my hand and somehow by the grace of god I casted the video to my TV, which was on full volume. I could hear the silence that followed after I tried to quickly turn the TV off. I was traumatized. Still am.

kayleem439407956

11.

Just the other day. I was having me time and using something on my phone for inspiration. So super close to the top of the hill and my grandpa called. Whew. Talk about instant buzzkill. All of a sudden a pic of my grandpa was on my phone, staring back at me, and I was no longer in the mood.

Chelle J.

12.

I once walked in on my stepbrother masturbating in our shared bathroom when I got out of soccer practice early and thought no one was home. I walked in, saw him fully cocked, we locked eyes, I walked out and to this day we’ve never talked about it.

NYCGirl2014

13.

When I was old enough to discover the art of having a me-some, I was young enough to not understand lighted windows at night, and my bed was right next to the window. Let’s just say my street got a nice, enlarged backlit silhouette on my window shade of ONLY MY HAND AND MY PENIS and the motions that follow. Months of this went on before I noticed. My poor neighbors. How do you even bring that up.

letoriouslet

14.

In my early twenties I moved back home for a couple of years. The house I grew up in was in pretty remote and rural area and semi off the grid. Our primary means of heat was two cast iron wood burning stoves. While I was living there, we had an extremely long wet winter with months of nonstop rain. To keep the house warm we had a pretty strict routine for maintaining the stoves. On top of this, we couldn’t close bedroom doors at night or the rooms would get too cold. I was also going to school to finish my degree, taking extra courses to finish school and working part time. I did not have much privacy or time to myself and the time I did have was consumed by school, or helping with home heating or just other stuff around the house. One afternoon my professor wasn’t feeling great so he ended class early. I got home, spent an hour dealing with the stoves to warm up the house. After I realized I still had some time before anyone would be home or I needed to start prepping dinner since it was my night to cook. Immediately I got into bed for me time. After I came I realized it had been literal weeks since I had an orgasm because my life was so crazy. I got dressed, washed my hands and started dinner. After a bit, my mom came home, I said hello and asked how her day was. She froze and stared at me shocked. Then she started to rant about how for weeks I had been incredibly grumpy and irritable and gone days at a time without saying any basic greetings to either her or my dad. I listened and apologized and after she left I had a fit of giggles for failing to realize how my lack of orgasms had impacted everyone.

lydiaa4aba7d1c2

15.

I didn’t realize that the neighbors who where having a 20 people party could see me from their windows. Not until they whistled.

sarahkathrinm

16.

I live in a dorm. I always have this intense fear if I watch porn, I’ll accidentally play it on sound for the entire dorm to hear. I’m always afraid I’ll get in trouble. I’m masturbating (fully clothed thankfully) and I hear a knock at my door. I go over and it is the head of my res hall along with a man in uniform. By this point, I’m freaking out. So I open the door and I’m greeted with “Can we do a fire safety check?” Apparently this had nothing to do with my porn and it was just a concidence.

doesthiswork

17.

So for a couple weeks every year, miller moths sneak into everyone’s houses here in Colorado, attracted by the light. One night, I was having some me time using porn on my phone. Problem was, all the other lights in my room were off. Right when I started to climax, one of those pesky moths flew to the light of my phone, only to be sucked into my mouth by a deep breath in! Let me tell you, nothing messes up an orgasm like a moth! I made sure to always leave at least one other light on whenever I masturbated after that.

WikiWikiWild

18.

I was laying in the shower, about to have the best orgasm of my entire life, and the shower curtain fell on me. Talk about ruining the mood.

carlyc415ecf7bf

19.

So when I was about 13, I was over at my grandparents house watching Mythbusters while sitting on their massage chair. My lower back had been hurting, and the chair relieved the pain… abit too much. You can expect what happened after watching a whole marathon of myths for 2 hours nonstop. When I finally finished I had no idea what I experienced and thought I was dying. Grandmother then randomly walked into the room and found me flushed and sobbing. Could never watch Mythbusters the same way again.

GalaticRebel

People Share The Best Way To Split The Bill When Out With Super Rich Friends

When you go out with friends to eat or grab drinks, one of the most awkward and uncomfortable things to deal with has to be when the check comes. Especially, when you’re out with friends who are just a bit richer than you. You often times feel the need to cover the check in order to make yourself feel as though you’re not as broke as people think you are. But, other times, you think your wealthier friends should grab this round. It does leave a bit of confusion to some: what is the right protocol when going out with your wealthy friends?  Does everyone pay just for their own meal and drinks or is the entire bill split evenly. Well, what if I order just a salad? Should I have to pay for some of your steaks. I didn’t eat it! Lucky for us, the people of the Internet have blessed us with tips on how to overcome this uncomfortable issue especially when everyone is wealthy, expect for yourself.

If you invite then you shall pay:

 I recently watched all the episodes of “House of Cards” about wealthy people like the fictional “Raymond Tusk – multi Billionaire” …I found the portrayals very realistic for a change. Their lives are not so different from ordinary middle-class folks. Most don’t drive Lamborghinis, etc. How do I know about rich people? Well, here in Monaco, that is pretty much the only kind of people around: Wealthy people who have moved here and bought a small apartment for a few million Euros…Why? Mainly because their tax savings exceed the apartment costs usually by a wide margin. So most make a million a year or more. I also know a lot of new millionaires from Silicon Valley who live in tax havens like this. They can veer in either direction — big newly rich show-offs who got their lifestyle clues from old movies, or more usually, humble, low-profile guys.

Thus, to answer the question, this is the real “protocol” that usually applies: The person who has invited the other person for lunch at a restaurant pays. Cash or credit card. They don’t have special staff around just to pay bills. I used to always pay the restaurant & bar bill for a prize-winning journalist friend from high school whom I perceived as not having too much dough. Then, years ago, he said “I don’t need you to treat me all the time so we should split the bill from now on.” And that’s what we did after that. Then there was my stock broker and a few others who MADE MONEY from me: They ALWAYS pick up the checks. I never do. I think that is how it works with most wealthy people. If they work for me I pick up the checks. I once had lunch with a guy who must have expected me to pay. I would have — except that he ordered crazy expensive wine at $200 a bottle. When the outrageous “La Addition” arrived, I was not shy & said, “Hey, I invited you, but you can cover the $400 for the wine you ordered.” He actually gave me an argument and claimed to have forgotten his wallet. That was the last time I ever saw that deadbeat schnorrer (i.e. moocher) or wanted to see him.
If invited to dine at somebody’s home, we all bring wine or flowers — usually. That’s what you should do whether wealthy or not. It’s just good manners.

If you go to dinner with someone much wealthier than you are, it is good form to say “Let me pay for my share!” Your host will almost always say “No, you are my guest.” But don’t order the most expensive things on the menu or $200 wine if you expect them to pay. When a consulting client and I go to lunch or dinner & he asks me PT type questions, he pays. If it is purely social & I invited him, I pay. Sometimes we split. No special rule.

If we are looking at it from a roaring 20’s, The Great Gatsby perspective:

“The very wealthy, especially old wealth or “old money” as it’s sometimes called, have a set of protocols as second nature to them as splitting the bill is to us. The ones I have glimpsed are as follows: They have an arrangement with the establishment, whether it’s an exclusive restaurant or Harrods. At the restaurant there is no bill. It is just handled.” 

It’s best when there is no fuss or drama over the check:

“I’m not super wealthy, myself, but I have friends who are. And my answer is a little counterintuitive. They usually pay. But it’s not because they’re rich – or, at least, not directly so. It’s that they reach a point where money isn’t a big deal, so they don’t like to waste time and energy on these issues. I.e. “Let’s get the damn thing paid, and let’s get out of here.” Or, by the same token, it’s totally OK if someone else wants to grab the check quickly and without fuss or drama. Just as long as it’s not a Thing. “

When dinner is similar to a business meeting:

“I eat out almost every day. Often twice a day. It’s either that we trade off: I buy one time, the person that I’m meeting with will buy the next. Or…If it’s someone that’s not as well off, even if they are asking for mentoring/advice, I pick the restaurant that I want to meet at, so I almost always pay.”

Or you find the really rich guy with too much pride to take you to dinner.

“Hell No. What kind of cheapskate do you want to be seen as? I figure that I make $2,000 per hour in passive income so as long as dinner for 4 or 8 or 12 isn’t $2,000, I figure it is no big deal. I have my own table at restaurants that I frequent. I have a saying “My table, my rules”. I almost never let anyone who is my guest at my table pay for dinner. I have allowed a few notable exceptions when the person invited me to dinner and they insist for whatever reason. I never split a check, I haven’t done that in 30 years.”

Pray For These 21 People Who Said Super Awkward Things While Gettin’ It On

We all say stupid things some of the time. But some of us say really stupid things at the worst possible times. Reddit user BeaverMcstever recently brought these folks out of the woodwork when they asked, “What was the stupidest thing you have said/done during sex?” The answers were awkward and strange, but mostly hilarious.

1.

What she said to me: “I want to blow your brains out!”

What she meant: “I want to blow your mind!”

j_grouchy

2.

I shouted POUND IT INTO ME right in his face, for no reason. Scared the life out of him and he flopped in seconds. It haunts me sometimes. We are still together and it’s never mentioned but I burn with shame when I think of it

showusyourmickey

giphy

3.

She said something along the lines of “you love my pussy, don’t you” and I thought it would be funny to reply “eh, it’s alright”

phonedesk

4.

Not me, but my ex [a straight girl] once drunkenly said my youngest sisters name in the heat of it. Ended things extremely quickly. I am a guy….

FreeSkittlez

5.

Getting a bj. Accidentally farted, decided to not say anything in hopes of it not smelling like absolute sh*t…20 seconds pass, it smelled like someone sh*t on the floor…needless to say it ended right there.

God_Damn_Goobacks

giphy

6.

I called my boyfriend “Dad” instead of “Daddy”

MajorNugget

7.

One of the first times I was having sex with my first girlfriend I got a leg cramp mid thrust and just screamed out “My Leg!”

As I nearly flung myself off the bed. That fish from Spongebob became way funnier after that.

TheSoup05

8.

My ex is going to town on top of me. We’re both having a great time we’re both close. It’s about to be one of those magical moments where everybody cums together. He looks me in my eyes and asks if I like that. My stupid f**king mouth decided to say “Oh yeah” like the goddamn Kool-Aid man and then my boyfriend started laughing so hard he went soft.

WTF, me?

Yourhandsaresosoft

9.

Asked High School on/off girlfriend to marry me while mid climax. She declined.

mini6ulrich66

10.

I used to have a friends with benefits thing with this girl named Angela. After her, I started dating a girl named Andrea. One time I called Andrea Angela. That ended pretty quick.

PhilipLiptonSchrute

giphy

11.

I was f**king a girl once and she asked if I could feel the Mediterranean breeze in her pussy.

halfandhalfmilk

12.

I was getting a pre-sex bj from my girlfriend and she turned on the TV for background noise and I happened to see that G.I. Joe was on so I said “is that G.I. Joe?” And she choked on my dick laughing and now it’s an inside joke

waterfinch

13.

My wife was feeling really frisky one night and was telling me she wanted me.

I tried to, in my sexiest voice, to sound all turned on and blurted, “Do you want some weiner sex?”

Needless to say, no, she didnt want weiner sex.

numbers17

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14.

When I was 16 and very inexperienced, I thought I be a little adventurous with my then-bf. So I slip my hand down his shorts hoping to give him a little joy, except I didn’t understand that dicks tend to tuck against one leg instead of floating right in the middle. Cue me patting him frantically and saying with genuine concern “where is it?” Didn’t live that down the next 2 years of that relationship.

epicPants_13

15.

I was with my then girlfriend. At the moment of truth I shouted, at the top of my lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

She froze, her eyes wide …And then she burst out laughing.

We’ve been married for over 20 years.

When the children aren’t around, she’ll randomly yell, at the top of her lungs, “I’M CUMMING INSIDE YOU SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!!”

20 year inside joke.

Still funny.

chetkincaid

16.

My girl once put her hand on my dick and said “pull the lever, Kronk!” when things were starting to get hot. I started laughing so much I couldn’t keep it hard.

plfwqekgqwnrgnw75731

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17.

I brought home a girl from a bar one night. She was on top, and asked me if I liked it rough. I said something like “yeah, baby”. I had my eyes closed for a few seconds, and when I opened them she had her fist cocked back, with a big sh*t eating grin on her face.

She clocked me in face (closed fist), and then was surprised when I pushed her off. I should never have had said “yeah”.

nokittythatsmypie

18.

I was experimenting with my girlfriend, we hadn’t done anything sexual before, and midway through teaching her how to give a handjob I said “I think you’ve got the grip of it”.

That was the end of that for the night.

FeatousHobbledehoy

19.

We were going at it, and my girl let out the perfect “uhhhh” sound, and that triggered a Pavlovian response in me where I blurted out “Na-nah -Na-nah”.

We had to stop and laugh our asses off for like five minutes before continuing.

Master P, for those who don’t get the reference.

Beeftech67

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20.

Before we began, I got up to go grab a condom. The girl was like, “Just so you know, I’m on birth control. I got the implant. You can feel it right here.”

Rather than say something like, I just like to be sure or something non offensive, I looked her dead in the eyes said, “Well, I’ve had a vasectomy. I don’t wear condoms to prevent babies.”

She never called me back.

Jckruz

21.

Having two very young kids we’ve become very familiar with a lot of nursery rhymes and what not, and one time during sexy times in the midst of it I somehow blurted out “Johnny Johnny yes papa….” Thankfully my wife had a sense of humor and she went “OH YES, YES, PAPA!”

Stop_PM_me_ur_boobs

 

19 People Confess What Was Going Through Their Heads As They Lost Their V-Cards

Your first time is never quite what you imagine it to be. There’s no magical feeling of change that washes over you the moment you lose your virginity—it’s awkward and uncomfortable but, like anything, with practice it gets better.

At least we can find comfort in the fact that everyone experiences this graceless first encounter. In fact, some have gone as far as to tell Whisper what thoughts were running through their minds during the moment they gave up their v-card and it’s honestly amazing.

1. This person decided to keep it to themselves.

2. They’re not all winners.

3. Some are a little too quick.

4. But they try their best.

5. Some let their minds wander.

6. Some were in disbelief.

7. Others enjoyed a little role play.

8. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies.

9. Just trying to keep the volume down.

10. And it can be less than impressive.

11. This person overthought everything.

12. And this one couldn’t be bothered.

13. This question never goes away.

14. And this is extremely accurate.

15. Sometimes size does matter.

16. Good study material really helps.

17. It’s over before you know it.

18. It’s your story to tell.

19. Just own what you have.

19 Things That Are True If You’re Absolutely Horrible At Flirting

When you’re single and looking to mingle – the number one thing you need to learn is the art of flirting. Flirting can be pretty difficult if you’re socially awkward and don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. You try to do everyday things while looking sexy and seductive but you end up looking pretty damn strange. You know exactly what I mean.
Continue reading 19 Things That Are True If You’re Absolutely Horrible At Flirting

21 People Share The Most Cringeworthy Texts They’ve Sent While Drunk

Sending drunk texts has become somewhat of an art since the advent of modern-day texting. I mean, it’s never been easier to proclaim your drunken lust for someone with an eggplant emoji and side eye. But sometimes, our drunken technological endeavors turn out horribly wrong.

We’ve all accidentally sent a text to someone who it wasn’t meant for. It’s especially awkward when that text is a recounting of your girlfriend’s amazing blow job that she gave you earlier that now sits on your mother’s phone in shame and disgust. There’s just not a lot you can do to come back from that, bro.

So whether you texted your boss at 4:32 a.m., pissed drunk, telling him that you want to impregnate him, or when you sloppily declared how horny were to grandma — there’s nothing like waking up in the morning, head pounding, and realizing the sh*t storm that you and your iPhone have caused.

These are 21 of the worst drunk texts that people have sent:

1.

Ate 3 boxes of peeps on Easter and took the nastiest shit. Tried texting a pic to my group of guy friends but instead sent it to the girl I had been dating for 3 weeks. 2 years later she still brings it up.

2.

“Alright, well I won’t be in. Consider this my resignation.” Sent to my boss (of the job I absolutely love) two days ago. Some-fucking-how, I got my job back.

3.

My dick is yearning to break out of its denim prison.

4.

I once spent a long drunk night declaring my undying love via text message to my friend Marcus, who was alphabetically right next to my girlfriend Molly in my contacts list. I just remember getting really angry and confused that she was acting all weird and sending messages like “dude, you know this is Marcus right?”

5.

Told my boss I’m not going to work the next day because I’m piss drunk with his daughter.

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