I always struggled through life maintaining close friendships. For whatever reason, I was always the “back up friend.” I had a lot of friends who I considered to be sisters—my very best friends in the world. I confided in them, I trusted them, I always thought of them as my confidants. But, whatever the reason may be, I was always 4th, 5th, 6th on their list of friends. I was never anyone’s “best friend.” I was never the girl that someone would call and text first, the one who became someone’s family. I was always kind of on my own, doing my own thing, looking for a “girl gang” to call my own.
But, that all changed when I met my boyfriend.
We met randomly; at a bar when I least expected it. I was out with some co-workers and he was out with his friends and our eyes locked on opposite sides of the bar as if we were looking for each other the entire time. It sounded cliché—like a scene out of a movie. But, when we talked, it was if we had known each other all our lives. I always think, maybe we met in a past life. Maybe we were friends in another galaxy. Whatever the reason was—we clicked.
Kids dress up as all kinds of things—real people, superheroes, animals. And for some reason, people seem to think that there’s something wrong with allowing boys to dress like girls and vice versa. A boy dressing as Wonder Woman is no more likely to turn out gay than a kid pretending to be a dog is going to identify later as canine. There’s not a thing wrong with being gay either, it’s just that one has nothing to do with the other.
Instagram star and YouTuber mom Jessica Ballinger posts a lot about her kids online. And one thing she gets questions about is her 5-year-old son’s predilection for wearing dresses and tutus and bows in his hair.
The tweet said, simply, “Apparently this needs to be said again. Xoxo.” Along with a picture of her son Parker in a dress, Ballinger included a note that read:
“This is my son. He loves lots of things. He loves dressing up and dancing and science and gymnastics and his family and @itsjojosiwa and Mickey Mouse and makeup and Peter Pan and drawing and math and he currently plans to marry his best friend and loves to play family with her and laments that his body can’t carry babies, but he dresses up like he’s pregnant anyway.
I frequently see questions online asking if he’s gay or trans or why does he dress like a GIRL??? My answer is that he is five and he loves a lot of things. If you see a boy in a dress, or playing in a traditionally female role, ask yourself—”if the roles were reversed, would I question it?” When you see a little girl playing fireman/policeman/soldier/any previously male-only role or wearing pants or dressing like a favorite super hero or male celebrity, do you question it? Do you ask if she is gay or trans or imply that she is wrong for having the interests she has? NO, we rightfully celebrate their desire to be and do ANYTHING. We call girls strong and celebrate it. Why don’t we do that for boys?
We limit boys by only allowing them to love what we think boys should love. I do not know what the future holds for our child. I will love him however he identifies. But right now, he has heroes who are girls. I celebrate that. And I think it means a lot for women. We SHOULD be heroes to our little boys. By not allowing boys to dress like the women they admire, you are telling them that being a boy is BETTER. That it doesn’t matter if that girl is brilliant, fierce, and his hero—it will make him “less” to idolize her. It doesn’t make him less to admire women. It makes him MORE. More willing to express what he is passionate about, more respectful of the women in his life and more open to believing women can be heroes.”
She’s right—aside from stunting their own personal development, limiting what boys can wear and telling them they shouldn’t pretend to be girls or women really does give them the impression that women are not worth imitating.
People on Twitter agreed wholeheartedly, but many stated that they were sad Ballinger had to send this message again.
i’m sad that this has to be said not only once but AGAIN, but i’m happy that someone like you is speaking up about it. i really do want to be parker when i grow up
parker is the coolest kid.i love that he expresses himself through his fashion and his interests. i wish more people could understand that clothes are just clothes and interests are just interests and there doesn’t have to be a gender attached to them. you’re a wonderful mom ?
Here’s to fierce, beautiful boys who are brave enough to be totally themselves — and to the mamas and dads and families who support and celebrate them ?
And someone else claimed that Parker was braver than she was.
i love that you and christopher encourage parker to express himself how he chooses to, dress how he chooses and play how he chooses. Parker is an inspiration to me because i STILL don’t express myself how i want too because i’m scared of judgement. PARKER IS INCREDIBLE!!!
When I started dating someone pretty seriously in my early 20s, not all of my friends were in relationships. In fact, most of them weren’t. I’ve always been the girl who enjoyed being in a full-blown, romance-filled relationship than playing the field. And, while I enjoy the long-term commitment, some of my close friends were single and thriving. This, often times, led to a clash of priorities. My friends always wanted to go out and meet guys at the bar—but, I was taken, not wanting to be their “wing woman,” flirting with the guy’s friend.
Regardless of my relationship, I always made it out. I didn’t want to fulfill my mother’s warning that when you distance yourself from your friends, you look as though your boyfriend means more than your relationship. And I didn’t want my friends to rag on me and call me a sh*tty friend for not putting them as a priority. I told my boyfriend that I had plans almost every weekend—trying to maintain my single girlfriends and my boyfriend at the same time. This led to stumbling home late at night drunk, forgetting to text my boyfriend back. Or, people seeing me out at bars and assuming the worst about me—that I was cheating.
I need to choose my boyfriend over my friend. Here is why. Truth be told, that relationship taught me a lot of lessons—especially because it didn’t last. Now, being in a much more serious relationship, much older, and a lot wiser—I’ve realized that there is nothing wrong with putting my boyfriend and my relationship first when I feel as though it’s better for me and the relationship overall.
I still have friends who are single—in fact, my best friend since 7th grade is single and always looking to mingle. But, now that I’m in my late 20’s and living with my SO, I know that there are things I will turn down and say no to, because the health of my relationship comes first. I’ve changed the way I interact with my friends—sometimes—because I know that there is a future to be had here at home.
This is someone that, eventually, I want to marry and raise a family with. So, if I know that he’s not super comfortable with me going to a party where I’ll run into my ex, or he doesn’t really want me wearing something super tight and revealing—I’m comfortable and okay with putting my boyfriend, before friends.
Does this mean that I’m distancing myself from my friendships entirely for my relationship? Absolutely not.
In all honesty, it’s learning how to maintain both my friendships and my relationship to keep everyone happy—but, most of all, keeping myself happy. My friends know that I’m not going to want to go out and play wing woman with them, drinking until 3 A.M. at the bar and stumbling home. They know that I’m not the girl who’s going to spontaneously hop a flight with them for a random vacation. They understand that I have someone in my life who is a factor in my decision making—and, they’re okay with it because they love me.
Good friends know that life has levels and phases. The girl who would go out every weekend and leave her boyfriend at home—it was a phase in my life, one that I learned from. Now, being in my late 20s, I’m more focused on my future. I’m focused on building my career, nurturing my relationship, and my friendships, but in a different light. I still see my friends frequently, and we talk every day. They know if they need me, I’d come running. But they know if it’s date night, I’m not available. They know that if my boyfriend needs me, I have to be there, too.
It’s not about completely turning your back on your friendships entirely, but it’s about finding those friends who understand that you’re in a new phase of your life—and, helping to adjust to that, too.
