Being in a relationship means you’ve found someone you want to spend all your time with. You miss them like crazy when they aren’t around and you’d text them all day long if you could. Sounds like exactly what we’re all looking for, right? Maybe in theory that sounds great, but in reality, spending too much time with someone can actually cause a lot of problems. Ideally, you should find someone who you genuinely want to spend tons of time with, but not actually spend all that time with them. Here’s how overdoing it can ruin an otherwise healthy relationship.
1. They become your whole world.
If you do literally everything with your significant other, you probably don’t have many experiences or memories that don’t include them. Not that it’s a bad thing to experience life with the person you love–of course it isn’t. But at the same time, it’s okay to do things without them too. There are plenty of people in the world, so why limit yourself to having a close relationship with only one? Basically, your Instagram deserves more than just couple selfies.
2. You start neglecting your friends.
It’s only natural to make your boyfriend your top priority, but that doesn’t mean you should be letting your friendships fizzle out for him. Your friendships are going to change as you get older because everyone is busy with their careers and following their own path. But no one is too busy to catch up over drinks once a month — I don’t care what they say. You don’t have to be attached at the hip to stay friends, you just have to adjust. Don’t let your relationship get in the way of that — you might regret it.
3. You get too comfortable.
When you spend all your time together, you start taking each other’s presence for granted. It’s definitely not a bad thing to be comfortable with the person you’re dating, but being too comfortable can mean you aren’t trying anymore. You just assume everything is fine and you’re together no matter what. But that’s not how healthy relationships work — you always have to be putting the effort in to make things better than fine.
4. You run out of things to talk about.
If you go to all the same restaurants, see every movie together and spend all your down time together, what are you going to talk about? Of course, there are always current events and your plans for the future, but sometimes it’s nice to spend some time apart just to get that feeling of excitement to fill them in on something funny that happened.
5. You never have a chance to miss each other.
Missing someone is actually a pretty good sign that you love them. Not to mention, the reunion after spending some time apart is always a great feeling. Spending every second together means you no longer know what it’s like when they aren’t around and that will make any separation that comes up a lot harder to deal with.
6. You start wanting a change.
Every relationship gets to the point where nothing is really new anymore, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s only bad if you get there and you aren’t comfortable — you’re just bored. That’s why you shouldn’t rush it. Take your time getting to know each other and easing into each other’s lives. That way you won’t suddenly realize you’re in too deep to easily make a change.
7. You forget who you are without each other.
Even if you’re the closest couple on the face of the earth, you’re both still individuals and it’s important to remember that. It’s amazing to have someone who is like your other half that you can always count on. At the same time, if you no longer have an identity outside of your relationship, you could end up resenting each other, which we all know is never a good thing.
8. It’s harder to see the problems in your relationship.
It’s pretty much impossible to be objective about your own relationship. That’s why you need other people in your life who care about you to talk to about issues you might be having. If you never put any effort into maintaining those relationships, you might find you have no one to listen when you need them.
9. You become one half of a whole.
It might sound cliche, but it’s important to feel complete on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship. There will always be times where you have to lean on each other, and you probably make each other’s lives better just because you’re together, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t survive on your own if you had to. Never think you can’t live without someone, because you can.
10. You have a hard time when you are apart.
If you spend all your free time together, how will you feel if he goes away for a weekend without you? You might think that will never happen, but it will. You can’t exactly tag along on bachelor party trips to Vegas or work-related trips, can you? If you have your own social life, you might actually look forward to having a weekend away from him once in awhile.
This article was originally written by Courtney, a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. She’s on Twitter @courtooo!
Looking at the couples above–3/4 of them got out of rather serious relationships not long before jumping into their new ones (and getting engaged). All across social media, people have been buzzing about how moving on too fast can be toxic for you and your new partner. And, it really can be. So how do we know how much time we need before starting something new with someone else? Here are the universal signs that it’s too soon to move on.
9. You still think about your ex throughout the day.
When you break up with someone, it’s only natural that you’re going to think about “what went wrong.” If you’re dating someone new and you’re still focused on your ex and your past relationship, it’s completely too soon to be dating someone new. Not only is it unfair to yourself, it’s unfair to your new partner. According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White,
“If you’re already wondering if you’re mentioning your breakup or your ex too often, there’s a good chance you’re doing just that. If you spend time focusing on how the other relationship ended or how wronged you felt, you’re setting up a wall around yourself.”
8. You spend way too much time with your new partner.
“You’re together all the time, in person or texting. It’s exciting when you find someone you like, but pacing things is very important so that you don’t get hurt if things don’t work out.”
7. You haven’t given yourself a chance to feel the break-up pain.
Grieving is how you gradually let go of what might have been, and adjust to what is. And over time, your outlook will naturally shift from “I must demonstrate I am a worthy mate for her/him” to “I can reclaim my own sense of worth.” Grieving is what sets you free from the pit of despair.
“[Be careful if] you are stilling hoping your ex will notice you or change their mind. If part of the intention in this new relationship has anything to do with your ex you are rushing into a new relationship. You deserve a relationship that’s about you, and the bond you share with someone, not a ghost from your past. Give yourself some time to grieve for your breakup, and you’ll be ready to date again, for the right reasons, soon.”
5. You compare your new partner to your ex a lot.
Experts say that it’s natural to compare our new partner to our ex, but when we do it too often, it’s a sign that we aren’t totally over our previous relationship. While it’s normal for people to compare the past and the present, it’s a red flag when your new partner doesn’t completely match up to your ex. Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W. says one of the signs you’ve moved on too fast from your failed relationship is:
You compare every aspect of this new person to your ex and this person often comes up short (by the way, it’s a natural tendency everyone has to compare new and old relationships).
4. You try to rationalize your new relationship.
Whether you’re trying to prove a point to someone else (or yourself) if you find yourself having to have mental “pep talks” about why this is the right move for your love life, chances are it’s not. New relationships should be natural and pressure-free, you shouldn’t have to rationalize your new love to yourself or anyone else.
3. You’re using your new partner to rebuild yourself.
If you’re banking on your new relationship to help “find yourself again,” it’s a huge sign it’s way too soon. You should use the time after a breakup to rediscover yourself, by yourself. Relying on someone else to help do that is unhealthy and risks the chance of you losing yourself in someone else. Irene Fehr, sex & intimacy coach says:
“Notice your own eagerness to put aside what’s important to you and place your relationship and your partner in the foreground. What’s driving this decision? If you’re twisting and bending your own life to suit that of your partner, most likely you’re acting from fear of losing them. The speed of your actions in this situation is a fight/flight response — slow down to ground yourself into what’s important to you. Relationships where one person loses themselves to create or keep the relationship are bound to fail.”
2. You’ve said “I love you” earlier than you have in the past.
After getting out of a relationship, we’re eager to feel that blissful feeling of being in love. It usually pushes us to pressure our new partner into feeling it, too. Many people who jump into a new relationship right away tend to say “I love you” earlier, because they’re chasing that high they had in their previous relationship. However, it’s usually too soon to really be “in love” with someone just yet. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says:
“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love. While being in love ? being infatuated or experiencing lust ? is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner.”
1. You know deep down that you’re not ready.
It’s important to always listen to your gut and your heart when it comes to relationships and love. If it’s too soon to be with someone new, most of the time we know deep down–we just don’t want to face the truth. Even if you’ve met someone really great, if you’re not ready, it’s important to be real with yourself. Dr. Jill Weber claims that it’s important to be honest with yourself and completely examine your love life before moving on.
“Skipping this important step puts you at risk of entering another relationship without much self-growth and may set you up for even more unprocessed grief in the future.”
Instead of rushing into a relationship with someone else, invest in the relationship you have with yourself.
While we all want to be in love and happy, after a break-up it’s more important to invest in yourself than in someone new. Taking time between relationships allows you to learn from the past and prevent yourself from experiencing the same old heartbreak over and over again.
You don’t see it on our faces when we meet for our first date. It’s not something we wear on our sleeve when you take us home for the first time. On the surface, we seem cool, calm and collected when you lean in for our first kiss. When we text at night, there’s no trace of it through our words. Our voice doesn’t shake when you call to ask how our day is going. You can’t even see it when we pack for our first trip together. Slowly, but surely as time passes through our relationship, it creeps out in bits and pieces–asking to be addressed.
We begin to ask you things over and over, wanting reassurance in where we are. We start to overanalyze and knit-pick at our relationship, even when nothing’s wrong. We begin to worry about things that, to you seem irrational, but to us, seem normal. We lose sleep. We can’t eat. We start to change. Slowly, but surely, a third person enters our relationship uninvited.
Our anxiety.
Living with anxiety isn’t something that we sign up for. It’s not something we wanted to brand ourselves with, like getting a piercing or a tattoo. We didn’t ask to be diagnosed with a condition that hinders our everyday lives. But the reality of the situation is, our anxiety isn’t something that is going to go away overnight. Some days, we hardly even know it’s there. But there are other days that are bad–really bad. We can’t get out of bed. We can’t stop the worry. We hyperventilate just to make it through the day.
It’s not going to be the same kind of relationship you’ve had with other women in the past. Nothing is going to be “simple.” But, that doesn’t mean that everything has to be all doom and gloom. Girls with anxiety love hard, and they live fiercely. They will protect you and stand by you through the storm at all costs. They will always, always support you because they know firsthand how much support truly matters. There are a lot of things you’re going to have to do differently when you date someone with anxiety.
10. You’ll need to practice patience.
When anxiety strikes, it’s important to know that we’re scared, unhappy, and feel incredibly embarrassed sometimes. Anxiety can hit us at any time, anywhere. We could be having a great time and all of the sudden–bam–we’re hit with a wave of anxiety and it feels as though we’re struggling to get to the surface of the water we’re drowning in.
It’s not ideal for us to get anxiety when we’re out on a date, having fun. It’s a burden when we’re with friends and we need to leave early. And, it totally sucks when we get hit with an anxiety attack while we’re on a trip together. Instead of getting annoyed and frustrated with us–practice patience. Katharina Star, PhD says that:
When dating a person with panic disorder, it is best to remain patient when your partner is faced with panic attacks and anxiety. Let them know that you are there for them and that you have their safety and welfare in mind.
Giving us time to regather ourselves, our thoughts, and our minds is always appreciated.
9. You can’t tell her to just “calm down.”
Telling someone with anxiety to just “calm down” is something that universally is looked down on. By saying this when your partner’s anxiety is really bad, you give them the notion that you’re belittling their disorder and downplaying it. It shows her that you don’t realy care that they’re going through something this hard and, that you think it’s preventable. In reality, it’s just not. Jennifer Rollin MSW, LCSW-C points out that telling someone with anxiety to calm down is amongst four things you should never say to them.
Telling someone with an anxiety disorder to “calm down,” is akin to telling someone with allergies to “stop sneezing.” Mental illnesses are not a choice. No one would choose to feel paralyzing levels of anxiety, and if the person was able to control their anxiety, they would. Telling someone to “calm down” is invalidating to the person who is struggling and insinuates that they are deciding to have their anxiety disorder. Instead, try asking the person what you can do to support them. It could be beneficial to ask the person this question when they are relaxed, rather than waiting until they are in a state of heightened anxiety.
8. She’s going to need reassurance. Give it to her.
Many women who have anxiety experience moments of overthinking and stress. We wonder if you’re still all-in with us, even when we’re at our worst. When our anxiety gets really bad, we think that you’re going to run for the hills–even if you’ve never dropped hints of this at all. It will become annoying and be aggravating for you when she asks question after question, but understand she’s looking for some sense of control. She wants to feel as though she has control over her own life and what is happening and, giving her the answers she’s seeking can help her regain that control and confidence.
7. Listen. Listen. Listen.
No matter how much you think you know about your partner, there may be things you have no idea about. Certain times, they may look as though they’re completely fine but on the inside, they’re going through a war. The best thing you can do in a relationship when your partner has anxiety is always listen to what they have to say. And, don’t just half-listen, trying to prove to her or anyone else that you are doing the right thing–really listen. And, when she’s ready, asking the right questions to understand her anxiety better will help you both in the long run. Joel L. Young M.D. points out that by asking the right questions, you’ll be able to truly understand your partner and her relationship to her condition better.
If you want to know something, ask your loved one first, and then be sure to intently listen to his or her answer. Some questions to ask include:
-Is there anything I can do to help you with this diagnosis?
-What’s it like for you to have this condition?
-How do you feel about the treatment options available to you?
-Does having a diagnosis make you feel better or worse?
-Is there anything you think I need to understand about the challenges you face?
Sometimes, your partner’s anxiety will make you angry and upset because there’s no way you can truly stop it and make it disappear. But, no matter how upset or angry you get–you can’t get mad at her for having anxiety. You can be mad at the situation, but you can’t attack her based on your desire to make her better. Barbara Markway Ph.D. points out:
This can be a difficult distinction to make, but it’s important. Attacking a person’s character or personhood can further damage shaky self-esteem. Perhaps you’re angry that once again, you’re attending the employee picnic alone, or not going at all. Your partner is fearful around large crowds of people and is not far enough along in treatment to go even for a little while. It’s natural for you to feel angry or even resentful. After all, you’re missing out on a lot of fun and the company of someone you care about.
Instead of getting angry, experts say communicating with your partner is best and addressing how the situation makes you feel–after you’ve had time to cool off.
5. You should remember it’s not personal.
When your partner constantly asks you questions over and over and looks at the relationship for reassurance and comfort, it can feel as though you’re the cause of the anxiety. Other times, your partner may be angry and frustrated at the situation in general–having anxiety all of the time can become exhausting. Realize, first and foremost, it’s nothing personal. Licensed therapist, Kayce Hodos says that it’s never personal.
“Anxiety can [also] often manifest as anger or frustration, but don’t assume he or she is upset with you. The biggest challenge you’re likely to face is feeling frustrated that you can’t fix it. You can offer support, but your partner is responsible for managing their symptoms, which can range from emotional responses, such as intense worrying and fear, to physical sensations, such as headaches or nausea. Hopefully, your partner has a good therapist, and you may need to find one, too. After all, you both need to be taking care of yourselves for your relationship to be healthy.”
4. It’ll help if you do some research.
The best thing someone can do if they don’t experience or have anxiety themselves is do their own research about the disorder. There are thousands of online articles, books, and resources that you can look over just to get an idea. According to Barbara Markway Ph.D.:
Anxiety disorders can be tricky because your partner may “look” perfectly normal at the same time they’re telling you they’re having a panic attack. This might cause you to minimize what your partner is going through. “Oh, you’re fine,” or “Just relax,” won’t be particularly helpful or well-received comments. Reading reputable books or information on the Internet can help you realize that anxiety disorders are very real, and fortunately, also treatable. See the Resources at the end of this post for places to get started.
While there is a ton of information on anxiety available to you online and in stores, it’s important to remember that no two people are exactly the same. While some anxiety symptoms are pretty universal and many people go through similar struggles–your partner’s anxiety may be completely unique and different for her. She may experience panic attacks differently than someone else, her triggers may vary, and she may have different ways of coping that work more so than others.
Although you should do some research online and know the signs, symptoms, and ways to help, realize that if it doesn’t work right away it’s not because of you, but maybe your partner just needs something different.
2. You should support her, but don’t suffocate her.
Showing support is important in terms of your relationship and helping your partner through her anxiety. However, don’t push her to talk and communicate if she’s not ready. Experts say that when your partner feels comfortable enough, she will come to you. Katharina Star, PhD points out:
Communicate to your partner that you are available to listen, but that you will not push them into discussing it until they feel ready. Additionally, do not bring up their disorder in front of others. Many panic sufferers chose to only tell trusted friends and family about their condition. It can cause embarrassment or other conflicts if you mention their struggle in a group setting.
Remember to be there, but not to put a label on your partner that she is only her anxiety.
1. You have to embrace solutions.
While you cannot necessarily “cure” your partner’s anxiety, you can help embrace positive solutions and suggestions to help make it better. This can mean a multitude of things. Doing things together that help her anxiety is one–like going to yoga or meditating together. Getting her a weighted blanket to ease her anxiety at night. Another is pushing her to go to therapy and speak to someone about her situation and condition. You can even suggest going to therapy together so that she sees you’re on board with supporting her and helping her through her anxiety. Experts say that couples therapy helps you both:
Don’t be afraid to seek outside help for your relationship if warranted. This can be a good adjunct to the individual’s therapy for the anxiety disorder. Couples therapy promotes better communication skills, which can allow people to feel more at ease in a variety of typically anxiety-provoking situations. In addition, less stress at home creates a better environment in which to work on the treatment of an anxiety disorder.
Dating a girl with anxiety is hard, but here’s why it’s worth it.
Girls with anxiety are fierce, triumphant and cunning. They are unstoppable. They don’t accept failure as an option – they push themselves to reach every single goal they set. They are never truly at ease, they are never truly the calm that comes before the storm – they are the storm. They are the raging, thundering, fiery storm that rips through towns and leave their mark.
They are invincible. They are the girls who will change your life.
You. It’s such a complex and meaningful word. And to each individual person it can mean multitudes of things. It varies from person to person and experience to experience.
But after finding you, I’m not so sure they were mistakes. Every decision I made, no matter how big or small it seemed, lead me to this exact place. And I wholeheartedly believe that I was supposed to find you.
You are so much more than what I could have dreamed up. I have struggled so long with finding somewhere to call home and finding somewhere that I belong. I realize now that it’s not a place. It’s you.
This unspoken peace crashes over me every time I look at you, and I know that no matter where I am, I will be coming home to you for the rest of my life.
But the most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone. I’m here to walk alongside you to pick up the pieces he left behind. I’m here to cheer you no matter how long it takes you to get back on your feet and pick up the pieces of your broken heart.
As your life starts to move on without him it will be difficult but I know you and I know you’re strong and that you can do it. You’ll slowly start to realize that somehow life is much better without him. It’s much better without the arguments, the tears and the pain.
You know, as well as I, that he doesn’t deserve you. Even though I know you won’t admit it right now. I know you’ll admit it soon because I know in my heart that you’re able to put the painful past behind.
You don’t miss me. You don’t love me. You don’t even want me. You’re just sitting around realizing how badly you messed up. The silence of an empty house and life is catching up with you.
The reality is setting in that I’m not there anymore. I got tired of being there at your convenience, dropping everything because I cared. Because you were all I wanted. Because I thought I was what you wanted too.
Don’t text me with your problems and feelings. That door has closed. And that’s your own damn fault. You only have yourself to blame for pushing away the one person who had your back always.
Don’t try to use guilt or manipulate my feelings in order to get your way. I don’t need your drama or your narcissistic comments anymore. You should have thought of that before you tried to destroy me.
I don’t rely on you or your love. I never needed you for anything, I only wanted you for the person I fell for. I thought you were who you claimed to be. But the person I thought you were was all a lie, and our love was a lie.
You’re NOT the man I met or loved.
So stop with the selfish shit and reaching out to me only because no one else is around, or because you feel alone. Don’t get caught up in feelings and memory lane because you’re drunk.
