If you’re an adult, this should pretty much go without saying, but cheating is really one of the worst things you can do to someone with whom you’re in a relationship. And the worst thing about that worst thing is just how many people somehow don’t see cheating as a problem, or don’t see what they’re doing (cheating) as actually cheating.
Some people will say, “We only kissed, that’s not cheating!” as if everything is completely fine as long there’s no actual sex, which is a ridiculous assumption. Ugh, the whole thing is a mess of betrayal and lies leading to drama and pain. It’s almost enough to make you want to throw the towel in on dating altogether. But just almost. Come on. We’re human. We’re gonna keep going back for more.
There are so many factors that lead people to cheat—their upbringing (as in, the situation with their parents), their self-esteem, and how they ultimately feel about relationships, to name just a few. Also, some people are just kind of more selfish than others. And sneaky! But it truly is always the fault of the cheater and not the cheatee. The cheatee is in no way responsible for the behavior of the cheater, and the cheater blaming them for their own mistakes when they cheat is just adding insult to injury.
Except we weren’t. The day before she asked if I would be open to one and I said let me think about it and we can talk tomorrow. The next day comes around and she said she has to go to a study session with one of her friends when i get home. I found out she was at a dick session when she was telling her best friend immediately after.
She said she wasn’t cheating, I got sent to me a picture of her (nudes) from the guy she was cheating on me with and he said, “look familiar”. When I confronted her about it she said those were old pictures and he was just trying to start shit. I was like hmm fair enough, then I realized that the pictures were literally taken in her dorm room that she had just moved into that year and I was standing in the same spot that she took them in as I was talking to her which made me realize, took me a second to realize that but yeah that sucked. Rough time for me on that one
Looking at the couples above–3/4 of them got out of rather serious relationships not long before jumping into their new ones (and getting engaged). All across social media, people have been buzzing about how moving on too fast can be toxic for you and your new partner. And, it really can be. So how do we know how much time we need before starting something new with someone else? Here are the universal signs that it’s too soon to move on.
9. You still think about your ex throughout the day.
When you break up with someone, it’s only natural that you’re going to think about “what went wrong.” If you’re dating someone new and you’re still focused on your ex and your past relationship, it’s completely too soon to be dating someone new. Not only is it unfair to yourself, it’s unfair to your new partner. According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White,
“If you’re already wondering if you’re mentioning your breakup or your ex too often, there’s a good chance you’re doing just that. If you spend time focusing on how the other relationship ended or how wronged you felt, you’re setting up a wall around yourself.”
8. You spend way too much time with your new partner.
“You’re together all the time, in person or texting. It’s exciting when you find someone you like, but pacing things is very important so that you don’t get hurt if things don’t work out.”
7. You haven’t given yourself a chance to feel the break-up pain.
Grieving is how you gradually let go of what might have been, and adjust to what is. And over time, your outlook will naturally shift from “I must demonstrate I am a worthy mate for her/him” to “I can reclaim my own sense of worth.” Grieving is what sets you free from the pit of despair.
“[Be careful if] you are stilling hoping your ex will notice you or change their mind. If part of the intention in this new relationship has anything to do with your ex you are rushing into a new relationship. You deserve a relationship that’s about you, and the bond you share with someone, not a ghost from your past. Give yourself some time to grieve for your breakup, and you’ll be ready to date again, for the right reasons, soon.”
5. You compare your new partner to your ex a lot.
Experts say that it’s natural to compare our new partner to our ex, but when we do it too often, it’s a sign that we aren’t totally over our previous relationship. While it’s normal for people to compare the past and the present, it’s a red flag when your new partner doesn’t completely match up to your ex. Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W. says one of the signs you’ve moved on too fast from your failed relationship is:
You compare every aspect of this new person to your ex and this person often comes up short (by the way, it’s a natural tendency everyone has to compare new and old relationships).
4. You try to rationalize your new relationship.
Whether you’re trying to prove a point to someone else (or yourself) if you find yourself having to have mental “pep talks” about why this is the right move for your love life, chances are it’s not. New relationships should be natural and pressure-free, you shouldn’t have to rationalize your new love to yourself or anyone else.
3. You’re using your new partner to rebuild yourself.
If you’re banking on your new relationship to help “find yourself again,” it’s a huge sign it’s way too soon. You should use the time after a breakup to rediscover yourself, by yourself. Relying on someone else to help do that is unhealthy and risks the chance of you losing yourself in someone else. Irene Fehr, sex & intimacy coach says:
“Notice your own eagerness to put aside what’s important to you and place your relationship and your partner in the foreground. What’s driving this decision? If you’re twisting and bending your own life to suit that of your partner, most likely you’re acting from fear of losing them. The speed of your actions in this situation is a fight/flight response — slow down to ground yourself into what’s important to you. Relationships where one person loses themselves to create or keep the relationship are bound to fail.”
2. You’ve said “I love you” earlier than you have in the past.
After getting out of a relationship, we’re eager to feel that blissful feeling of being in love. It usually pushes us to pressure our new partner into feeling it, too. Many people who jump into a new relationship right away tend to say “I love you” earlier, because they’re chasing that high they had in their previous relationship. However, it’s usually too soon to really be “in love” with someone just yet. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says:
“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love. While being in love ? being infatuated or experiencing lust ? is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner.”
1. You know deep down that you’re not ready.
It’s important to always listen to your gut and your heart when it comes to relationships and love. If it’s too soon to be with someone new, most of the time we know deep down–we just don’t want to face the truth. Even if you’ve met someone really great, if you’re not ready, it’s important to be real with yourself. Dr. Jill Weber claims that it’s important to be honest with yourself and completely examine your love life before moving on.
“Skipping this important step puts you at risk of entering another relationship without much self-growth and may set you up for even more unprocessed grief in the future.”
Instead of rushing into a relationship with someone else, invest in the relationship you have with yourself.
While we all want to be in love and happy, after a break-up it’s more important to invest in yourself than in someone new. Taking time between relationships allows you to learn from the past and prevent yourself from experiencing the same old heartbreak over and over again.
