Tag: Chaos-All-The-Way-Down

A Fine Line Between Love And Hate

There is a fine line between love and hate.

They occupy very near proximity areas in the brain, actually. But the opinion Coach Compton had of me went beyond basic dichotomous emotions; I experienced pure, raw fear and anxiety at not being able to live up to expectations. At this point in my life, it had become obvious that my self-worth was reflected in my performance academically and competitively.

I was selected for the best team in Oklahoma and one of the premier teams in the nation stroked the ego of needing to be the best and exceed expectations.

 

However, along with it came undue stress that I cannot even begin to describe. 

In recreational soccer, most kids play just for fun. I would say less than half of them end up playing competitively because of the costs, travel, time commitment, and lack of skill. Competitive soccer is a whole different beast.

Granted, we were ten, but the experience that I am about to tell will shock and utterly dismay most people who have children.

After the team had been selected, Coach Compton took no time in establishing what sort of team this would be. One of the very first team oriented activities we did was to go to a local college where he coached and have a week long training camp with our new teammates and several older teams from the same club. I remember the day I came home from that camp; I collapsed on the floor and just began to cry like I had never cried before. 

 

 

 

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Chaos All the Way Down: Told by a Pharmacist

Chaos All the Way Down:

Addiction, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Suicide, and Anxiety as Told by a Pharmacist

I think everyone has a defining moment in their lives. Whether it is out of tragedy, out of triumph, or as a means of getting through adversity, there is a single moment in life that can change you for good. I’d say most people experience that in their adult life. I, on the other hand, had mine when I was just 4 years old. A favorite story of my mother’s to tell about me revolves around my first soccer game. Like most kids, I started playing soccer at a young age for “fun.”

Or that is what I am told most kids were most interested in; having fun and getting snacks after the game. I guess somewhere along the way, I didn’t get that memo. During my very first game, I’m told that I scored quite a few goals, something most kids could be proud of I think. However, I came off the field that day in tears. When I approached my mother, she proceeded to ask me why I was bawling. My simple response was “We suck.” At the tender age of 4,

I was already an addict. Not the sort of addict that was doing lines in the pre-k bathroom, but an addict nonetheless. I was addicted to being the best and winning at all costs. This became rather apparent early on in my life and applied in every area. 

 

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