How to Look Bright-Eyed and Fierce for that Next Zoom Call or Date

I think we can all agree that COVID has put a damper on our dating lives. It was hard to meet people before the pandemic hit, and now it’s even harder. Dating apps like Bumble and Hinge have been thriving because that’s the safest way to get to know other people. But, what is the best way to dominate your Zoom dates? Read on.

Clothing

First thing’s first… If you’re on a Zoom call, people will most likely be seeing you from the shoulders up, so focus on that. Stay away from patterned shirts including stripes, polka dots, etc., because that will only be a distraction on your date. Focus on solid, brighter colors to help you stand out from your background.

Makeup

Ever heard the expression, “Less is more?” Forget that for Zoom calls. It’s hard enough seeing each other through a screen, and if you want to stand out and look your best, add a little more makeup including blush and eyeliner. Not enough blush will wash you out, and not enough eyeliner will make your eyes look smaller. A bold lip color, when done right, could be the perfect pop you need. All in all, more makeup = better look for Zoom calls.

Hair

One of the most popular trends for hair on video calls is accessorizing. Adding a barrette will give more emphasis on your face, as well as bringing a pop of excitement to your look. You can also do small accent braids, headbands, bandanas, and claw clips. During your video date, you’ll want your face to be the main focal point, accentuated by your hair.

Jewelry

“Less is more” is the way to go with jewelry on Zoom calls. That includes simple earrings, a dainty necklace, a small bracelet… Just enough to add some sparkle, but simple enough where it’s not the focal point. Match up your jewelry color with your top – for example, silver jewelry with blues and gold jewelry with pinks. Cooler colors usually go with silver jewelry and warmer colors usually go with gold jewelry. Keep it simple but enough to shine.

Lighting

On video calls, lighting is everything. Without the proper lighting, your date won’t be able to see your perfectly planned out outfit + makeup + jewelry + hair combo. You can invest in a stand-up ring light like vloggers use, or buy a clip-on light that you can put around your laptop’s camera. If you’re not able to get one of those, position yourself directly in front of a light and adjust accordingly.

In the days of COVID, where meeting someone at a bar or party is nearly impossible, you can rely on the next best thing: online dating. It can be a hassle, but if you’re ready to put yourself out there, that is your best option. And now, you have practical tips to nab that first video date that will hopefully lead to many more.

Header Image Source

About The Author

Emmie Pombo is a latte and tattoo-loving Tennessean who specializes in mental health and beauty writing. She holds a degree in Journalism and a certification in Makeup Artistry and Airbrushing. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

How to Keep a Still Mind Amidst a Chaotic Time

We often try to resolve other issues that we forget to protect our own peace.

In a strange way, I have felt a stillness around me, although the chaos on TV and social media is nothing close to stillness. What brought me here rooted in accepting that I cannot control everything around me.

There are so many issues, unresolved problems, and unanswered questions we all want to know.

We all want answers, we all want stillness, and we all want to see this country and the world in peace. Yet, that weight is far too heavy for an individual. What I did do for my country was vote in November, spread the most accurate information possible, and had conversations that were uncomfortable, but in all ways insightful. 

You might be asking yourself, how did you accomplish this “stillness” during a pandemic, a messy election, and media coverage? I wrote, I cried, and I rejoiced. Not necessarily in that order, but it was the routine I had to do for my mental health.

During the last five weeks of my fall semester, I did not want the outside energy (news, public figures, articles, and so on) to influence my own energy. As a student journalist and a first-generation college student, I have a full plate in my hands all the time. I took initiative and tried every day to ground my emotions, thoughts, and actions. There were days I failed and days I succeeded. The key is to try every day to ground yourself. 

Find your escape or your outlet.

I wrote poetry, I wrote my thoughts, and I wrote articles to help others. I know writing is my way of destressing, but I was not necessarily stressed. I wanted to document the way I felt, my own opinion, and my perspective as a future journalist. I know that there is so much for everyone to learn out there and in no way am I perfect. Writing can help get those thoughts out of your head and on physical paper (or electronically). Find that escape, outlet, or hobby that helps you reflect without leaving you anxious.

It is okay to feel unmotivated (a lot) lately.

For starters, I was against the entire phrase, “You will never get this much free time again.” Is that a threat? So, I have to be overworked and stressed 24/7? It made me so uncomfortable. That is why I think I burnt out after October; I was so busy all year long, even when I could have rested.

Society and social media will trick our minds so easily nowadays. That is why I am here to stop you in your tracks before you burn out. Take a day, a week, or (if you can financially) a month off. Sometimes we need to just reset our routines, brains, and lifestyle. At the end of the day, our lives are a reflection of choices we made. Make the choice today or tomorrow to rest. 

Rejoice on those good days!

When you are having a good day, don’t think too much about the next day or the next week. I think it is so important to soak in all that glory. When I am having a good day, I will watch my favorite show, listen to some upbeat music and write (or read) for fun. It is such a small act for yourself, to appreciate life and how happy days are still there. There are so many reasons to smile in this world – if your day was one, celebrate it! 

As we start a new year, let’s set intentions rather than “resolutions.” It is so important to be intentional with our choices in life. Try being intentional with what you choose to tackle this year. Whether your intentions are for your mental health, physical, or spiritual health. In the end, we are responsible for setting the true vision for ourselves.

Header Image Source

About the Author

Melanie Oliva is a student journalist at the University of Missouri. She is majoring in Journalism with an emphasis in Magazine Writing and Investigating Journalism and a minor in Women and Gender Studies. Melanie loves shopping local, oat milk lattes, and listening to music. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.

The Mask vs. Toxic Masculinity

I live in New York, which is arguably the epicenter of the world, and consequently, the coronavirus, too. We all know we’re in the middle of a pandemic and one of the most controversial things (which I just don’t understand) has been the expectation to wear masks. The way I see it, it’s something mildly inconvenient that you should do as a way to keep your germs to yourself. Simple, right? Apparently not. It’s been an adjustment and was especially difficult in the heat of the summer. I, personally, started breaking out like a prepubescent teenager which is not cute for an almost-30 something woman, but it’s okay because I currently feel the same way towards the pimples on my face cheeks as I feel towards the dimples on my ass cheeks: the only people seeing this is either my mother, my extremely close friends, or a very lucky man and if you are one of these people we are close enough that you must accept the full me: cellulite, zits, and all. Congratulations, and welcome to my germ circle.

This being said, I DO NOT understand why the mask thing has become “optional” or “political.” Only in Trump’s America can we possibly turn advice from medical and scientific experts into a symbol of stupidity and fear.

Luckily, with the bureaucracy of our country, the disaster that was Springtime New York City was controlled by Dad, aka Cuomo, and now we’re one of the least infected cities in the country. HOWEVER, this does not mean that there still aren’t assholes a-lurkin’. They’re out there, and it’s just my moral obligation as a citizen and a woman to point out, during my lengthy observation, that the MAJORITY of those who fearlessly and selfishly walk down the street without a mask, or rip off a mask the moment they can with pure disdain, are male.

You may find this shocking (just kidding, you probably don’t), but it’s true. It’s been NO surprise to me at all, but I’m just trying to put all the pieces together, and figure out why, exactly, men have so much disdain, for covering their jawlines that they think are so perfect. These are my thoughts.

Allow me to give you a clear idea of the difference between women and men when it comes to mask-wearing. I ride the subway once a day, only TO work, because I can’t ride it home FROM work because I have a vagina and must pay for an Uber or Lyft home due to the time and potential danger that comes with being a woman. Anyway, I work four days a week and have been back to work for about six weeks.

During this commute, I have seen at least one man a day without a mask on while riding the subway, despite there currently being a $50 fine for neglecting to wear a mask while using public transportation in NYC.

About half of these days, I have had to get up and either move to the other side of the train car or switch train cars at least one time because said man was in close proximity to me. Twice was I unable to exit the train car without a man without a mask standing directly in front of the door opening, clearly able to see me standing on the other side waiting to exit. Not only was he breaking the mask rule, he was also breaking the “step aside and let people exit the train before entering” rule. He was 0/2 and I couldn’t be more irritated. There is always at least one other man on any given subway car wearing a mask inappropriately (under the nose or some other laughable variation). As compared to women, in the past month and a half I have seen one woman on the subway without a mask, and approximately five without the mask properly worn. That’s a ratio of about 24 to 1.

One reason that men find it so difficult to adhere to this guideline is that as men, they have never been asked to cover up.

Women are used to being asked, or demanded, rather, to cover up, for this begins around second grade. It’s when we find out about what we’re permitted to wear to school and what we’re not. Your tank tops have to be at least two inches wide. Your skirt or shorts have to touch your fingertips. No low-cut shirts. No belly buttons. What are the boys’ rules? No hats? Please.

And what happens if a girl does wear a spaghetti strap shirt to school? Or perhaps she’s just too hot so she takes her sweater off to reveal super sexual (drum roll, please) SHOULDERS? Well, she’s told to change or go home. But she’s hot… She’s uncomfortable covering up. Why do we really care if her shoulders are exposed? It certainly isn’t because the educational institution in which she attends wants to make sure that she demands self-respect. It’s to keep the attention of the male students off of the female bodies and on their learning.

We are putting their education above female comfort. We are putting their education above female education.

School boards would rather have a female miss class because of her refusal to cover her body than to have a male student be distracted while present in class. Therefore can’t you say, while we all have a right to an education, that the male education is still valued more than the female education? I’m also unclear as to why we teach young girls that being proud of their bodies is disrespectful or distracting. Also, what happens when a male student says he’s too hot to wear a mask to protect his female students during a global pandemic? Well, my guess is that it would be considered an understandable excuse.

I also beg to know what was done to keep me less distracted in high school. There were no rules against young men who wore t-shirts that showed off their defined biceps or button-downs that showed the definition of their triceps. Who was looking out for me when all the boys started developing body hair and strong calf muscles!? And who the hell was monitoring the fit of the young men’s jeans so that I wasn’t too distracted while I conjugated my French lesson? Is it because we value the male education more or is it because sex is a man’s right? It’s a male’s will to be distracted by sexual needs and desire, but for women, any such admittance to a sexual distraction would be shameful. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but girls are horny, too. With that being said, I would love to meet the middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white, male, Republican school board leaders that were claiming they can’t force children to wear masks in school when you’ve managed to force girls to cover up for decades.

I shouldn’t need to say this, but the mask mandate is just further proof as to why it is up to women to bear children. If it was up to men, we would all be extinct by now, and there would probably be another species of half-human/half iPhone ruling planet Earth and putting models of people skeletons in museums for exhibition by now. Luckily, we’re still around because women are “strong enough to bear the children then get back to business,” as my good friend, Beyonce (just kidding, we’ve never met, don’t sue me) says in her song, Run the World (Girls). It’s much more difficult for men to go through any sort of mild discomfort for the greater good. Women learn early on that it’s part of their existence to suffer for the benefit of others.

We don’t question it. We don’t try to defy it. We deal with it.

We go to work, we exercise, we go about our daily lives, and we do it while our insides are in turmoil. I swear to God, every period I have get’s worse than the previous one. Every month my uterus screams out to me, “PUT A BABY IN ME,” and it tortures me for not fertilizing that damn egg. The woman that I have come to be is in no way ready for a child, but my physical being thinks it’s long overdue. She’s in her baby-making prime and she is straight-up pissed that I have neglected her calling. Point being, anything you can do I can do bleeding, and with a mask on, because I’m not a little bitch. Go to sleep.

Having children is also notoriously risky business. My guess is that if a man had to risk his life the way women do in order to carry children, it wouldn’t be done nearly as often.  If a man had to put his body through the hell that is nine months of pregnancy, following possibly two years of lactating and nursing, and a lifetime of stretch marks, weak bladders, and whatever other complications may arise, they would opt to not. However, this realization in men would also yield free, legal, safe abortions across the country REAL quick, but I’m afraid we have to save that for another conversation.

This leads me to point out that wearing a mask today is considered polite, and women are conditioned to be nice, above all else.

We’re taught to be polite because it’s unladylike not to be, after all. So why on Earth would I defy the rules and not cover my nose and mouth if it could possibly save a life!? Not doing this is considered disrespectful, and I, as a woman, dare not disrespect. We have a natural desire to care for other people and to want to do the right thing. Men are more likely to think about themselves.  It may not even be consciously vicious, but just their natural way of thinking.  They lead with what feels good to them that matters most, unfortunately, that leads to not only higher COVID case counts, but higher rape counts, as well. Men are far more likely to lead with “I want” and women are far more likely to lead with “I can help.”

Do men not feel as though the rules apply to them? I, as a penis-less individual, cannot answer from experience, but can only respond to the actions and conversations surrounding me, day-to-day. I can say first hand the majority of men I know that do not abide by the mask mandate are on the side that this pandemic is blown out of proportion, over-dramatized” if you will. These men tend to be your “macho men” – the guys that think they’re invincible. They don’t understand how to not get what they want. You see anything that throws off this type of privileged male is simply crazy, dramatic, and unrealistic. If it doesn’t support him, it simply isn’t real. If you’re on the other side and ya know, believe in science, you’re dismissed as crazy, too. My guess is they feel like they are above the rules, they are above most anything, after all. They are man, they are strong. Putting a mask on is a huge threat to their masculinity.  It’s almost as horrifying as drinking a cocktail out of a piece of stemmed glassware. These are the men that we’re battling here.

For those who may be concerned, there has been no link between wearing a mask and becoming less endowed in the girth region. One more time for the people in the back: TAKING VISIBLE PRECAUTIONS THREATENS THEIR MASCULINITY.

I’m not saying I haven’t seen women without masks; I have, but in shockingly fewer numbers. Once again, we’re looking at a 24 to 1 ratio. For every woman without a mask in a designated space where they are mandatory, there are TWENTY FOUR men violating the same rule, willing to risk a fine in order to not be visibly fearful OR respectable. It’s also not uncommon for me to see a man and woman walking together, the woman with a mask, and the man without one. I’ve even seen families, mothers, and children with masks… And man without. This is hugely disturbing to me, and it should be a wake-up call to society and a lesson learned in how we raise our sons. If the mother and children are wearing masks to protect themselves, does the father not love and respect his family enough to wear one as well? After all, if he gets sick, their mask-wearing was useless. And if his family is showing respect for the people in their community by wearing a mask, why does he feel as though he doesn’t have to? My guess is a combination of all the aforementioned. I also do feel, and in no way am I standing up for them, but I do believe that some of this is thinking and rationalizing is done in unconscious thought. That is society’s fault.

We teach men to not show weakness or fear. We say things to little boys like, “Don’t be a sissy” and “You’re acting like a girl.”

Realizing this and taking responsibility can help us undo generations and generations of harmful gender role policing for our children and grandchildren.  

Let’s zoom in a bit and focus on “white men.” Tell me one thing a middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white male has ever NOT had the option of doing. You probably can’t. You can’t think of one. That’s why this concept is so difficult for him to grasp. Why don’t we talk about something as simple as using the restroom while dining at a restaurant. Never has the middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white man ever been inconvenienced to do anything in order to use a public restroom. Let us remind you that black men were once forced to use a separate bathroom from white men, or not allowed in the bathroom at all. A transgender man would be bullied, beaten, even killed in the men’s restroom. The gay man has faced risks of getting beaten as well while facing allegations that he doesn’t even have to use the restroom. He just came in the bathroom to check other men out.

And women? I mean since we’re talking about restrooms, we might as well talk about why restrooms even became a thing.

The term didn’t actually come around until the late 19th Century, when women started to work in factories because they were now legally allowed to work. You see, up until this point only men were employed, so there was only a need for a space for them to relieve themselves. This was most often outside, in a less than desirable space. Then women came to work to shake things up despite studies that “proved” women are the weaker sex. Since employers could not legally refuse a woman their right to work anymore, they now had to pivot and find them a place to “rest.” After all, it was simply impossible for a woman to work the same hours as a man and continue to do the job at a respectable adequacy. Imagine that. Also, these women would eventually have to use a toilet, and the idea of one space outside for both genders to just release bodily wastes together just seemed largely inappropriate.

What eventually birthed from this dilemma was a space called the “restroom.”

With the help of more advanced plumbing systems, there would now be a designated space at work where women could “rest.” It would resemble the home, aka the place where the woman was most comfortable (el-oh-el) and would separate the genders while doing normal bodily functions that women are shamed for admitting they participate in to this day. Pooping. It wasn’t uncommon in public places for the women’s restrooms to be located in the basement, along with the black men’s’ restrooms. Could you even imagine telling the aforementioned middle-aged, cisgendered straight white male that he has to go to the basement to urinate? He’d say, “Why? There’s a restroom right here…”

The person enforcing these rules would say something, but at the end of the day whether they say for black, for whites, for straights, what they REALLY mean is for the NORM which is cis, straight, white, AND male, which would subsequently mean for the COMFORT of the cis, straight, white, and male. Today, that person would snicker and walk right past the enforcer of rules. However, right now in society, at least when it comes to public restrooms we’re just saying, “Hey, wear a mask!” like we do at my place of work, where I have gotten eye rolls, snickers, scoffs, and legit screamed at in return because the cis, straight, white man can’t conceive doing anything other than taking care of whatever he needs in that moment.

Let’s talk about culture for a moment. It is considered respectable in Muslim culture for women to wear a hijab in order to cover their hair. The Quran, the Muslim Bible, says that women should dress modestly. It’s very common for Muslim women to follow this respectable tradition today, even though some western cultures ignorantly associate it with terrorism.

How horrible must it be to be torn between honoring your culture and religion and being harassed as an assumed terrorist, or to go against your culture and religion in order to possibly blend in?

My guess is that it’s pretty fucking horrible. Today’s men aren’t going through any of this inner turmoil when asked to wear a mask, yet it outwardly appears to be so difficult for them. Have you ever seen a Muslim woman with her hijab draped around her neck, not covering her hair? I’m just gonna have to say no, you haven’t. I know you haven’t. Have you ever seen a Muslim woman carrying her headscarf in her hand, walking around with it? Do you think she’d be allowed in a mosque? Do you think her community would say… “Oh, but she still has it in her hand…” No. No one would say that. Because it’s not the same thing. Do you think she would say, “Oh, I forgot!” as many people do while moving around public spaces throughout our country? She wouldn’t forget.

She wouldn’t forget because this is an issue of respect, and women, no matter the religion or culture are indoctrinated from birth when it comes to respect.

It’s drilled into our skulls since the moment we’re born, or before if your mother finds out the gender of her baby. If a little girl is disrespectful she’s corrected immediately. If a little boy is disrespectful, he’s still learning and the matter at hand is laughed off. Boys will be boys after all, correct? 354,000 deaths later, and men still have a hard time grasping things… Growing up… Dealing with uncomfortable realities forced upon them. I’m also going to have to say if these women can keep their head-dressing covering their hair while living their life, you can keep your mask above your nose while riding the subway, sir.

We excuse boys for breaking the rules longer than we excuse girls for doing the same things. We’ve heard it time and time again: boys mature at a much slower rate than girls. While physically that is scientifically true, mentally it’s more so based on the fact that we excuse boy’s behavior for a much longer time than we excuse the same behavior in girls. These boys grow up to be men that are simply accustomed to getting excused for their poor behavior and decisions, even if they hurt people in the process. These societal excuses can even lead to severe cases of “himpathy.”

Made popular by Kate Manne in her book, “Down Girl,” himpathy is a term used to define the sympathy felt for the man even when he has done something wrong.

Take a rape case for example. How many times have you heard “his life is over now” by someone referring to a man accused of rape, except for some reason the person saying this isn’t happy about it. It’s very common for women to be put down, shamed even, for accusing men of sexual assault because those allegations will (and should) bring down the man’s life. It’ll affect him personally, professionally, his relationships, and future endeavors, because it should.

It’s quite horrific, that how the man will suffer after being accused of rape is often more the focus than the woman that has been raped.

Does the person expressing himpathy not care that the woman will be affected personally, professionally, emotionally, and psychologically by the events that took place? It will follow her for the remainder of her life as well, except she didn’t CHOOSE to do it. The offender did. It was his actions, so he should suffer. That is justice, but we sometimes forget that because we have a person in the highest office in the United States that has been recorded saying, “Grab them by the pussy,” and it has been dismissed as nothing but locker room talk because BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

I can’t let the topic of wealth and healthcare go untouched. I, along with millions of other Americans, lost my healthcare coverage due to COVID-19. Millions of other Americans didn’t even have coverage before the pandemic. When people go out and disobey the mask mandate they put others who are uninsured and unable to afford proper healthcare at a HUGE risk.

I’m so happy that you feel as though you’ll be fine if you get sick, but that’s just not reality for more people than you may think.

There are so many people that just take healthcare for granted and this is linked to a long line of privilege. If you never had to worry about insurance it’s safe to say you are benefitting from any number of privileges. I’m not saying RICH, but if healthcare isn’t an issue, you have more than most and you should be grateful. We’re talking not only about wealth privilege but also education privilege because chances are, if you’re able to afford a solid insurance plan or it’s part of the package at your job, you were also able to afford and have access to an education in order to secure said job/income. If these things have never been an issue for you, your parents have also benefited from these privileges, and you are reaping the rewards whether you acknowledge it or not, so how about we all check our privilege by showing some respect for those who may not have been dealt such a good hand?

Currently, in the US, we are leading in the number of COVID deaths globally, because we have a President (a middle-aged, cisgendered, straight, white, wealthy male) that has insisted on putting the economy above the worth of human lives and has not been able to set an example when it comes to wearing a mask. A few months ago in the first Presidential Debate, he mocked current President-Elect Joe Biden for always having a mask on. He MOCKED him, for following CDC guidelines during a global pandemic. About 50 (nifty United States) hours later, Trump announced that he and the First Lady has tested positive for COVID-19. Karma’s only a bitch if you are. I would love for men to prove me wrong, but I know their toxic masculinity will stand in the way. For those men who have and continue to wear a mask, thanks for not being the reason I have to give up my end seat on the W train.

Header Image Source

About The Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

I Went on a Covidate: Here’s How it Went

And The book title is “Love in the Time of Cholera,” but it’s hard to not reimagine it for the 21st century.  Love in the Time of COVID, am I right? It was hard enough to find a special spark when we weren’t afraid to be around each other with our faces exposed.

I personally do miss kissing boys in cocktail bars while drinking old fashions, accompanied only by the flickering light of a nearby candle.

Those days are long gone and the only old fashions I’m drinking are solo and in bed with a battery-operated candle. Safety first.

I waitress at a restaurant in downtown Manhattan where every so often a man at my table will ask me for my number. Sometimes I’m flattered, sometimes appalled; it all usually depends on how they go about it, as well as their etiquette during dinner. I’ve dated a few guys I met while working in the past, but none of them really last. The flirtation on my side usually boils down to admittedly entertaining myself throughout the evening’s conundrum of 86s and asshole guests.

Any of these flirtations usually boil down to somewhere in between an unanswered text message and a maximum of a three-week relationship that could have definitely been capped at two weeks had I trusted my instincts.

In the time of COVID, the ante has been upped by mandatory face coverings for all employees. Listen, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the game of flirting with a mask on, using only my eyes to lure them in and get them to ask me out without ever having seen my face. It’s amazing. A few months ago I swore I had met Carrie Underwood’s husband’s twin. I simultaneously took an order at a table across the room while making eyes at him, which lead to him following me to the computer in order to get my number. Unfortunately, the head chef walked past as I was entering my digits in his phone and screamed, “Get it, Kaitlyn!” across the restaurant.

He texted me, and I answered in my Uber home, despite his initial text saying that I was a wonderful waitress (Tip #1: if you’re attempting to pick up your waitress, never compliment her waitressing skills. She doesn’t want to be a good waitress and she definitely doesn’t want to hear about how she’s a good waitress. Chances are she’s some type of artist that loathes her survival job, so get outta here with your waitressing compliments). He asked when I’d be available in the upcoming week to “grab a bite,” and I told him we’d have to wait until I got my schedule – when what I really meant was I need time to figure out a way to say,

“Um there’s a pandemic, and I actually like my lungs working at full capacity, so can we take a socially distanced walk instead?”

The next day I texted him to strike up casual conversation, and my “Happy Sunday! You a football fan?” text was left unanswered, so my problems were solved. This event is what led me to be even more impressed by my most recent approach.

I had a table of six guys that had been making jokes with me on and off all night. And I usually hate serving tables of men, because, well, men, but this was a fun, harmless group. I was standing in the far corner of the dining room as they began to make their exit. One of them started approaching me, and I felt an instant glitter of excitement.

“Hey, I know everything is complicated right now with COVID, so I’m just going to give you my number and you can decide what to do with it.”

I know that my shock showed in my response. “Oh! Thank you,” I said as I took the small, folded up paper from his hand while doing my best to show him I appreciated his approach. He nodded and walked off into the night.

I was absolutely touched that he even acknowledged that things are undoubtedly complicated right now. If dating in New York was difficult before, which it was, it’s now ten-fold. Hell, one hundred-fold. Ya can’t just go kissing strangers and drinking gin and tonics like ya used to. Like many other things this year, what used to be hard just got harder. I always felt like most dates were a waste of time, but now I’m risking my life for them, too? How bout just get me a petri dish for my eggs because I’m going to need several more years to figure this shit out. Count me out and Amazon Prime me a cat to start my collection with.

I admit he put me under a spell with his genuine approach, and I couldn’t help but shoot him a text (obviously after waiting the preliminary 24 hours just to make him sweat). I know, I know, I’m part of the problem… So I’ve heard.

Any who, we texted for a day or so before he made his advance: “Usually I’d engage in some more witty text banter, but I’m going to be more forward because I’m leaving the city for Thanksgiving. Any chance you’re free for a drink tomorrow or Tuesday?”

Ugh. Well, that was a fun day of socially distanced flirting but here’s where it ends, I told myself.  My response was honest but very blunt. “To be honest, I’m not really hanging out with people unless it’s outside and with a mask on,” I said, expecting to get some sort of attempt at persuasion back or just a total lack of interest. That’s why when he responded by being totally understanding and “down to play by my rules,” I couldn’t help but perk up.

With his work schedule and mine combined, along with the pressure of the upcoming holiday and constraints of the pandemic, we had an 11:00 a.m. coffee date in Washington Square Park in 26-degree weather. As fate would have it, it was the coldest day of the year so far. He still had not seen my face and I was attempting to wear lipstick under my mask, but I was becoming less confident as I walked to meet him and my snot ran into my KN95 from the blustery temps. Sexy.

We grabbed a coffee and walked to the park, carefully picking a bench in the sunlight to keep us a little warm. I knew as soon as I pulled my mask down to take a sip of my oat latte he was going to see my face for the first time, so I made a joke as I turned my head and wiped my snot on the back of my glove. We shared a bench but kept our masks on as we got to know each other.

It was honestly really refreshing to sit across from someone in the light of day and without the help of alcohol or the distraction of physical attraction. It was nice to know that this is as far as it would go for a while. There was no pressure to end the date with a kiss and certainly no shot at more than that.

We got approached by homeless men asking for money a few times, but only one offered a magic show. He was wearing a mask so we accepted. During his routine, he got a tiny bit too close to me and my date must’ve seen me lean back ever so slightly. He kindly asked the man to take back up a bit. It may seem like a small gesture but it went a hell of a long way in my book. I felt like someone other than myself was looking out for me, which is something that has barely happened this year.

In the past 10 grueling months I’ve lost some friends because of their irresponsible response to the virus. I’ve also grown closer and came to appreciate the friends that share my values.

The magician’s trick somehow revealed that I was 28 and he was 26 which was alarming to me. My general rule is to not look twice at any man under thirty. It is 2020, though, and I’ve had to break some old rules as well as come up with some new ones, so what the hell.

He also revealed that when he said he was going home for Thanksgiving (to Tampa) he would be staying there through the New Year, followed by a trip to the Grand Canyon for some hiking in early January. Our conversation continued for well over an hour before deciding to go for a stroll, which led to a pop-up shop, which led to picking up his lunch from Cava, and then dropping him off at his apartment on Houston.

He asked permission to hug me, which I surprised myself by allowing, and we said our goodbyes. “I don’t know how this works, but I had a really good time and I’d like to do it again?” “Same,” I responded while we both laughed at the uncertainty of it all.

On the hunt for new martini glasses, I slipped into Crate and Barrel. He had texted me before I even left the store and our witty text banter continued until the second week of December. And he must have sensed my uncertainty in what we were doing and ended things with me before I could do it with him. He sent me a full screen sized text message about his workload, the holidays, and the uncertainty of his return to New York anytime soon. And he said he’d text me when he gets back to the city, and I said the next cappuccino is on me.

I feel like I won’t hear from him again, and if I do, the cappuccino would have to be just a friendly cappuccino. I didn’t really feel a spark and felt like I couldn’t get past the age difference. That doesn’t negate how touched I was by his manners and respect to my boundaries. I really appreciated his genuine interest in getting to know me and make me feel safe. Funny enough, this was just four days over my average three-week relationship, so the end came right on schedule.

Regardless of the fact that our tryst didn’t end in either of us being swept off our feet, there is much to be learned from this experience.

Don’t be afraid to set boundaries: If someone is truly interested in you they will be willing to act within the confines of your comfort zone. If they’re not willing, they’re not worth it. If you’re getting involved with someone romantically it is crucial that you can be open about what you’re comfortable with.

That means with COVID and literally everything else. Boundaries are healthy, but you have to be willing to own them and speak them into existence. It may mean you lose some people, but those that stay truly respect you.

Header Image Source

About The Author

Kaitlyn-Renee Urban is an actor and writer with a passion for highlighting feminism in the arts. She hosts an IGTV show (coming January 2021) called “What We Know Now” centered around supporting local, women-run businesses while picking their brains for advice they’d give their younger selves. She lives in New York City, but it’s easier to find her on Instagram.

My Thoughts On The COVID19 Vaccine

Either way that you land on the great debate of the COVID vaccine, everyone has to admit the amount of anxiety surrounding this feels very similar as it did in the beginning of the pandemic. All of the Facebook and Twitter posts about it don’t seem to make this any easier either. Although, I’m putting my trust in the doctors who handle the case of my immune-compromised family members, I’d be lying if I said I was not anxious about this at all and here is why:

We still don’t know everything about COVID: 

COVID is still new, and yes, I’m so over living under the anxiety that we will get COVID. However, one of my biggest concerns is that because COVID is so new, do we have enough information to know that the vaccine is going to work and work well? I do want to note how appreciative that I am to the scientists who are working around the clock to help ensure that this is a safe drug for us to take and that it’s going to be effective. Although, being really real here, everything with COVID seems to change on the daily, still, even though we are coming up on a year of living this COVID normal! 

 

New strains: 

As we all have heard by now, there are new strains of the virus in Europe right now. So, will the current vaccines work on the new strains? Also, being that this virus seems to be able to mutate in no time, what about future strains? Or is this something that we are going to have to keep waiting for the new latest and greatest vaccine for? I swear sitting up and night thinking about all these factors can drive someone crazy! 

 

Is it safe for the immune-compromised: 

So, being that I have two family members that I’m very worried about getting COVID, my next worry would be is it safe for them to get vaccinated? I mean should we wait and see how others react to it. 

These and many more concerns swirl my head and those of others that I have talked to. They are valid, and because COVID is so unknown and unpredictable, I think it makes the worries so much worse. One thing that I will say, for my family and me, we will be listening carefully to the doctors who care for us and will make the best informed decisions we can. 

My advice, check your sources but do as much research and make the decision that is best for you and your family. Breathe because one way or another we will get through this confusion, too!!

Stay safe and well!

Exit mobile version