Some first date stories are bad. But, some first date stories are f**king awful. Like, I mean, so awful they are almost unbelievable. The ones that you hear and say: “Nah, no shot that’s true.” And then you stop and realize how truly disgusting some humans can be and swear off dating for the rest of your life.
Twitter user Jacqueline shared the story of her friend’s date with a morgue worker and—brace yourselves, this is disgusting.
Her friend met the guy on Tinder.
After the date, they hook up and have sex. It gets…graphic.
After letting him plant his seed all over her chest, she has a rash the next day.
She decides to go to the doctor, who then sends her to a dermatologist.
And, they found “tiny parasites” under her skin.
The doctor says the only way a person gets these kinds of parasites are from having sex with animals or having sex with dead people.
Lucy Shultz and her partner Steven decided to hire a photographer and do a “maternity shoot” for their new kitten they adopted. The photos, which Lucy decided to share in an album on Facebook, have gone pretty viral. At first, I thought it was because it was adorable and creative to do a photoshoot for your new kitten–but, after seeing the actual photos, I realize now why people have shared the post over 70,000 times.
Let’s face it—sometimes in order to get the job done, we have to do it ourselves. This reigns true for several things in life, but, for sure it reigns true for giving ourselves some pleasure and TLC. While we may map out some time in our day/night to get down with ourselves, sometimes, things go wrong, things happen, and awkwardness presents itself front and center. How do we live these moments down? Welp, we don’t. So, instead, we share them online. Thankfully, some people have the balls to confess their awkward masturbation stories for our laughing pleasure.
1.
When I was younger, the only way I could get off was with the showerhead. For a while, I’d prop my foot up on the soap dish that was attached to the shower wall to get a better angle. After months or years of doing this, I guess it couldn’t take my weight anymore. It came crashing down off the wall mid-session. My parents still haven’t repaired that portion of the wall.
I was spending a few days at my best friends house after a breakup to recover. He has two cats and they were doing their own thing so I was sitting in the living room and decided to have some personal time. He and I had talked about masturbation around the house before so I didn’t feel weird or gross about doing it in his house. Anyways, I am just going at it and all of a sudden I hear an “ahem” and my name coming from the corner. I looked up and learned that he had installed a kitty cam to watch his cats and I was unintentionally putting on a webcam show for him. And to make things worse, I learned later that he was showing his boss and we aren’t sure if she’s aware of what transpired, but my friend definitely did.
I have a 5-year old nephew and we’re pretty close. He used to let himself in my room because he always wanted to play, especially when I’m sleeping during the day (I work night shifts). I was masturbating one morning when he opened the door asking for a bottle of milk. He even asked why I had no clothes on. I just told him I was going to change clothes and afterwards, I told him to knock first before entering any room. It took him a while to practice that. And to let you know, my doorknob is broken so he could easily come in. I’m not willing to change it so from now on, I block my door every time I masturbate.
This wasn’t me, but my man and I had a long distance thing going so we would send each other videos. We had been wanting to for a while but stuff kept getting in the way till finally one night we could. Right as he was at the finish line his parents walked in to talk to him. They just walked right back out.
After moving into my college dorm, a big group of us all decided to get to know each other and go see some museums. We walk into one of the museums and there’s a bag check so the security guards have to check that you don’t have any weapons or anything. Well, I had forgotten that I had my vibrator in there until the very old security guard pulls it out and holds up before asking “um, ma’am what is this” and I had to explain in was a vibrator in front of all the new people I had met at school and all the other people visiting the museum. What a great way to make friends the second day after moving in for your freshman year of college.
My boyfriend at the time and I were having phone sex while I still lived with my dad, and when I started getting handy with my tatas (I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and underwear) I felt something move under my shirt. I cringed and calmly hung up the phone, sat upright, and lifted up my shirt.
A tarantula (my least favorite animal) was perched on my boobs.
I screamed bloody murder and woke up my dad, to which he stormed into my room to find me in my underwear, screaming with a tarantula on my tits.
To this day, I have no idea how the tarantula got there.
I’d been in the shower with my vibrator/dildo when my dad knocked on the doer loudly to inform me that my step brothers pit bull has attacked my Pomeranian and had to be rushed to the vet. I quickly jumped out and got dressed to go with my dog. Only after getting home did I realize I’d left my vibe in plain sight in the middle of the bathroom floor with the door open while the rest of our family was home. Made a bad day worse.
I used to live with two girls in college and one time when we were all hanging out in the living room I went into my room to masturbate to some porn. I was confused as to why the volume on my phone wasn’t working and then all of a sudden I realized my phone was still connected to the bluetooth speaker that was in the living room. I could hear my roommates talking laughing about it and i was MORTIFIED. Now I’m always paranoid about the bluetooth.
When I was about 7, I had just discovered masturbation and I was going at it when my mum walked in. For some reason, instead of stopping, I kept going but brought my hand up so I was frantically rubbing my stomach. I then proceeded to say « my stomach feels funny » after she had JUST watched all of that.
I was watching porn on my phone and it was slipping out of my hand. My boyfriend wasn’t home and his step mom had her entire family over (about 16 people) for Christmas Eve dinner. Well the phone slipped out of my hand and somehow by the grace of god I casted the video to my TV, which was on full volume. I could hear the silence that followed after I tried to quickly turn the TV off. I was traumatized. Still am.
Just the other day. I was having me time and using something on my phone for inspiration. So super close to the top of the hill and my grandpa called. Whew. Talk about instant buzzkill. All of a sudden a pic of my grandpa was on my phone, staring back at me, and I was no longer in the mood.
I once walked in on my stepbrother masturbating in our shared bathroom when I got out of soccer practice early and thought no one was home. I walked in, saw him fully cocked, we locked eyes, I walked out and to this day we’ve never talked about it.
When I was old enough to discover the art of having a me-some, I was young enough to not understand lighted windows at night, and my bed was right next to the window. Let’s just say my street got a nice, enlarged backlit silhouette on my window shade of ONLY MY HAND AND MY PENIS and the motions that follow. Months of this went on before I noticed. My poor neighbors. How do you even bring that up.
In my early twenties I moved back home for a couple of years. The house I grew up in was in pretty remote and rural area and semi off the grid. Our primary means of heat was two cast iron wood burning stoves. While I was living there, we had an extremely long wet winter with months of nonstop rain. To keep the house warm we had a pretty strict routine for maintaining the stoves. On top of this, we couldn’t close bedroom doors at night or the rooms would get too cold. I was also going to school to finish my degree, taking extra courses to finish school and working part time. I did not have much privacy or time to myself and the time I did have was consumed by school, or helping with home heating or just other stuff around the house. One afternoon my professor wasn’t feeling great so he ended class early. I got home, spent an hour dealing with the stoves to warm up the house. After I realized I still had some time before anyone would be home or I needed to start prepping dinner since it was my night to cook. Immediately I got into bed for me time. After I came I realized it had been literal weeks since I had an orgasm because my life was so crazy. I got dressed, washed my hands and started dinner. After a bit, my mom came home, I said hello and asked how her day was. She froze and stared at me shocked. Then she started to rant about how for weeks I had been incredibly grumpy and irritable and gone days at a time without saying any basic greetings to either her or my dad. I listened and apologized and after she left I had a fit of giggles for failing to realize how my lack of orgasms had impacted everyone.
I live in a dorm. I always have this intense fear if I watch porn, I’ll accidentally play it on sound for the entire dorm to hear. I’m always afraid I’ll get in trouble. I’m masturbating (fully clothed thankfully) and I hear a knock at my door. I go over and it is the head of my res hall along with a man in uniform. By this point, I’m freaking out. So I open the door and I’m greeted with “Can we do a fire safety check?” Apparently this had nothing to do with my porn and it was just a concidence.
So for a couple weeks every year, miller moths sneak into everyone’s houses here in Colorado, attracted by the light. One night, I was having some me time using porn on my phone. Problem was, all the other lights in my room were off. Right when I started to climax, one of those pesky moths flew to the light of my phone, only to be sucked into my mouth by a deep breath in! Let me tell you, nothing messes up an orgasm like a moth! I made sure to always leave at least one other light on whenever I masturbated after that.
So when I was about 13, I was over at my grandparents house watching Mythbusters while sitting on their massage chair. My lower back had been hurting, and the chair relieved the pain… abit too much. You can expect what happened after watching a whole marathon of myths for 2 hours nonstop. When I finally finished I had no idea what I experienced and thought I was dying. Grandmother then randomly walked into the room and found me flushed and sobbing. Could never watch Mythbusters the same way again.
Girls always joke on social media about having a “sugar daddy.” If you’re unaware, a sugar daddy is an older guy who seeks “companionship” from a younger woman in exchange for money, clothes, cars, etc. Sometimes it’s just companionship, other times it’s…other stuff. But, there are plenty of “sugar babies” who are perfectly happy going to dinners, events and other outings with older men in exchange for a nice gift/payment. More power to you, ladies, you get yours. While it can be a great situation for all parties involved, sometimes it ends badly for everyone. One Twitter user, @JayAFoolBro told the story of his cousin and her sugar daddy and – the ending…well…just take a look.
When we hear stories about people’s “crazy exes,” at first, we’re skeptical. But, the more we hear about their psycho ways, the more we realize it’s safer to never date anyone at all, ever, than to end up in a relationship with someone who is this crazy. Twitter user @Hoemar___ took us on a journey of ridiculous twists and turns when he decided to share the story of his psycho ex with all of his followers.
Unless you’re living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard about the latest movie to sweep social media, creating a new world of memes, jokes, and theories—Bird Box. The Netflix original film starring Sandra Bullock is about a monster that no one can “see,” because if they see it, they die. The film, therefore, has many people living their lives blindfolded to avoid the monster. Bullock and her children go on a journey to find safety, taking the entire trip blindfolded. Many people online have begun obsessing over the thriller and even trying to do the Bird Box challenge, where they complete tasks blindfolded.
But, while many have been fangirling over the movie, some may have missed the bigger picture and deeper message. According to one Twitter thread, that makes a lot of sense, the film has a huge underlying message about mental health and mental illnesses. Twitter user @alisonpool_ shared the theory online and since posting, it has gone viral across the network.
She claims that the monster in the film represents a personified version of “mental illness,” stating the monster makes you “hear voices” and commit suicide.
WARNING (Bird Box)
You all are totally missing the underlying message of this film!
The monster makes you commit suicide and hear voices. Notice that people labeled as “mentally ill” are immune to the monster and they want everyone else to see it.
THEY WANT EVERYONE ELSE TO SEE WHAT ITS LIKE TO WANT TO TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE AND HEAR VOICES IN YOUR HEAD. The monster is suicide and mental illness personified.
She pointed out that the point of having individuals blindfolded is to prove that mental illnesses have no “face” and can affect anybody.
This forces the audience to ask “Now who’s crazy?”. Without any in depth information about the “monster”, all the characters are figuratively and literally left blind.
Why can no one see the “monster”? Because suicide and mental illness don’t have a face. It can affect anybody.
She also shared specific scenes that prove the theory true.
In the scene in the kitchen with Sandra Bullock (Malorie), and Trevante Rhodes (Tom), Malorie says something to the effect of “My sister would have never killed herself. She wasn’t like that”.
Today we have those instances of people who were clearly exemplifying suicidal tendencies before they took their own lives, but the stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness often causes people to hide those feelings rather then talk about them;
we’ve all seen those new stories and interviews were people who were close to a suicide victim say things like “She never seemed like she’d do something like that” or “everything seemed fine”.
Olympia speaks about feeling like a burden because she was spoiled her whole life and “all that love made [her] soft” while Malorie proclaims she was “raised by wolves”. Both women are PREGNANT, and despite their different backgrounds are at the mercy of the same invisible force.
I think this is a commentary on gestational and postpartum depression.
Almost all of the characters are dealing with grief to some degree, especially Malorie and John Malcovich’s character (Douglas). They both watch their loved ones commit suicide.
Now go rewatch the movie and stop looking at things at face value. That kind of observation is what the film is trying to get you to stop doing. It’s so much deeper than that.
We’ve all been there. Drunk and spontaneous on New Year’s Eve, trying to do something special. But one too many drinks and an accidental proposal later, U.K. redditor u/Propermistakeregret needed legal advice and turned to the internet.
“Proposed to girlfriend whilst drunk on NYE night, can I cancel and get the ring back,” the viral post on popular subreddit LegalAdviceUK begins, before our hungover antihero dives into his night of regrets. He says he fell in love with a co-worker and bought the ring for her, and has been planning to break up with his girlfriend for a while. But now it’s too late: “It’s been posted on my friends Snapchat, my girlfriends Facebook page, everywhere. I saw people proposing so I wanted to go with the flow and proposed to my girlfriend whilst partially pissed. Can I get the ring back and cancel the engagement please?”
Though genuine legal advice was quick to follow, many Reddit users chose to point out the problems with u/propermistakeregrets’ decisions. Why was he dating two women at once? Who just decides to propose because everyone else is doing it?
One user pointed out that in the U.K., engagement rings are an “absolute gift,” which means that “unless some agreement, express or implied, was made when giving it” that it “would be returned if the marriage did not occur.” They even provided this very helpful link to a site for legal advice.
Another user agreed, telling u/propermistakeregret “You can break off the false engagement by being a real douche and telling her you’re actually seeing someone else and this was a mistake but the ring is hers to do as she wishes. I hope she sticks it where your sun doesn’t shine when you tell her.”
Only one user, Dusty-Pilgrim, gave him any leeway for having been inebriated. “If you were so drunk that you lacked legal capacity to make a gift then that could be grounds for getting it back,” they wrote. “Realistically, unless the ring cost a fortune, lawyers aren’t going to get involved and you will have to resolve this between you.”
Propermistakeregret didn’t actually seem to regret his decision all that much, as he spent most of his time in the comments complaining about the cost of the ring and the unfairness of the situation. He did not reply to a request for comment and the Daily Dot cannot independently verify his story.
He later considered stealing the ring back, apparently, though Reddit advised him not to: A user pointed to the first section of a 1968 law stating that “A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it.”
The top commenter on the thread hit the nail on the head. “Well, from a legal perspective you’re shit out of luck because a gift is a gift, even when given by a moron,” they wrote.
In the end, propermistakesregret did some soul-searching and came to a (likely terrible) decision. He is going to conceal his affair for the rest of his life and marry the woman he accidentally proposed to.
Sending drunk texts has become somewhat of an art since the advent of modern-day texting. I mean, it’s never been easier to proclaim your drunken lust for someone with an eggplant emoji and side eye. But sometimes, our drunken technological endeavors turn out horribly wrong.
We’ve all accidentally sent a text to someone who it wasn’t meant for. It’s especially awkward when that text is a recounting of your girlfriend’s amazing blow job that she gave you earlier that now sits on your mother’s phone in shame and disgust. There’s just not a lot you can do to come back from that, bro.
So whether you texted your boss at 4:32 a.m., pissed drunk, telling him that you want to impregnate him, or when you sloppily declared how horny were to grandma — there’s nothing like waking up in the morning, head pounding, and realizing the sh*t storm that you and your iPhone have caused.
These are 21 of the worst drunk texts that people have sent:
1.
Ate 3 boxes of peeps on Easter and took the nastiest shit. Tried texting a pic to my group of guy friends but instead sent it to the girl I had been dating for 3 weeks. 2 years later she still brings it up.
2.
“Alright, well I won’t be in. Consider this my resignation.” Sent to my boss (of the job I absolutely love) two days ago. Some-fucking-how, I got my job back.
3.
My dick is yearning to break out of its denim prison.
4.
I once spent a long drunk night declaring my undying love via text message to my friend Marcus, who was alphabetically right next to my girlfriend Molly in my contacts list. I just remember getting really angry and confused that she was acting all weird and sending messages like “dude, you know this is Marcus right?”
5.
Told my boss I’m not going to work the next day because I’m piss drunk with his daughter.
A Visalia teacher from University Preparatory High School has been arrested and removed from her classroom after a viral video shows her forcibly cutting off student’s hair in the classroom. Thanks to student’s cell phones and Reddit, Margaret Gieszinger, was arrested with suspicion of felony child endangerment. Her bail was set at $100,000.
The video, which was shared several times on social media, showed the science teacher cutting a student’s hair while singing the National Anthem. After the student gets up from the chair, the teacher proceeds to try to grab a female student’s hair and cut it. Students began to run out of the classroom following this.
“When everything was going on I was terrified, and I so badly wanted to blame her. I was scared she was going to come back. What she did to my classmates and I is inexcusable. I am not trying to make excuses for her, I simply ask everyone to reconsider how they view her. She is a loving and kind lady. She is usually all smiles and laughs. This is not the Miss G. we know and love.”
Additionally, students claimed that the teacher was showing strange behavior prior to the hair-cutting incident. According to students, a science test had gone missing earlier in the week and Gieszinger blamed students—making one cry. However, the administration had “ignored student’s complaints.”
Jim Vidak, superintendent of Tulare County schools, issued a statement saying:
“The staff at University Preparatory High School and the administration at the Tulare County Office of Education are deeply concerned for the students who were subjected to the disturbing behavior in Margaret Gieszinger’s class yesterday morning. To support all students on the UPHS campus today, we have sent top counselors from our mental health services program. They will continue to be available to the students as long as necessary.”
