Tag: death in the family

To My Daughter In Heaven

The day I found out about you was one of the most emotional days of my life. I was so young. And you were so unexpected.

I was caught up in the wrong world with the wrong boy. My head was in the clouds and there was no bringing me down.. or so I thought.

The following weeks I was faced with sickness, extreme morning sickness. Even the thought of you didn’t seem to change my young dumb ways. I was addicted to the thought of you but something had me more addicted.

That evil white powder that ruined all our lives. It was killing us all slowly and we didn’t do nothing to stop it. We did nothing to save you. And when I see you again no words could possibly be said to right my wrongs..

I was 20 weeks when I found out you were a girl. I was so excited. I imagined my future and giving birth to my best friend. I imagined tucking her in at night and crying her first day of kindergarten. I imagined being at her big beautiful wedding and getting to watch her marry the love of her life. But two weeks later I found out I will never get to do any of those things.

Placental abruption is what they called it. When the placenta detaches from the wall and usually heavy bleeding occurs. I sat down to use the bathroom around noon on September 15th. Instead of my usual flow of urination I was met with bright red blood and instantly I knew something wasn’t right. I cried my whole way to the hospital. My heart already knew what the doctors confirmed later that night. I was going to loose you. But no one but us knew it was all my fault.

You see in the state of South Carolina if your baby is born premature before 24 weeks they will not try to resuscitate. I was 22 weeks exactly. Only 14 days away. Only 14 days.. 2 weeks. 2 more weeks and we may have been able to save you. Oh what a cruel and fucked up world we live in if someone can watch a baby die. Not just any baby. My baby. My beautiful Angel baby.

Within the next week I went from anticipating my daughters birth to planning her funeral. It didn’t just break my heart. It broke your grandma and grandpas heart. It broke your uncle’s heart oh how they were so ready to be uncles for the first time. We buried you and life went on, even though I just knew it wouldn’t. It’s crazy when someone dies and are buried. All that’s left to speak to is a cold lonely headstone. Everything continues just the way it used to. But not my heart. My heart never healed.

Who do I blame? Myself. I blame myself every single day. If I wouldn’t have been so childish and so stupid maybe you would have had a chance. But you didn’t. And this time there were no second chances.. I just hope it didn’t hurt. Falling asleep with a nice warm baby and waking up with a cold pale bundle is something you will never forget. Sometimes I wish I could. Maybe if I could just forget every thing it wouldn’t hurt as bad. How could I choose drugs over my unborn child? I guess the way an alcoholic chooses the bottle or a junkie chooses the pipe or a needle.. I’m so sorry I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I sit here every single day thinking of you.

Sometimes I’m ok. But most days I am not. It hurts knowing you ended someones life when it could have been saved. It’s a hard pill to swallow. But I re-swallow it every single day.

Hopefully you would be proud of me. If you can see me. If you were here you would have two sisters. After I left your father in order to get my life back on track, I changed. I changed a lot and it was a good change. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking. And I haven’t returned. I haven’t gone back to that no matter how tempting. I stay at home everyday and make sure your sisters are taken care of and loved. Oh how I wish I could see what you would be like playing with them today. The day will come when they ask about “that baby’s” picture on the wall. “Who is she mommy?” They will ask. And I will tell them even though it will hurt. You lived. You did exist. So they will know and i bet they will love and miss you as much as I do.

If you’re stuck right now. If you’re battling any type of addiction please reach out for help. Because there is help. Someone somewhere cares about you or at least you’re well being. Don’t be like me. Don’t let drugs take your heart. Or your mind. And defiantly don’t let it take your children. You Will regret it. You’ll regret it every single day. Don’t be like me. Don’t bury your baby if you don’t have too.

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The Death Of A Loved One Is Not Something You Get Over

July 28, 2010 is a day that will always be etched into my mind. At first, it was a normal day for me. I had graduated high school 2 months beforehand and was just spending my time with my friends, and with my nieces who at the time were living with me.

I woke up that morning to my niece not feeling good, she was running a fever and we figured she may have had an ear infection again so my sister and her boyfriend took her into the doctors. Sure enough, she had a double ear infection, was sent home with medicine and that was that.

We put her down for a nap, and when after dinner I went to check on her, she was still sleeping, so I took her sister to the park by our house. A half hour later, I got a phone call that changed my life. My niece had stopped breathing. My neighbor from across the street came running to the park and told me to get to her house.

She grabbed my niece and I sprinted as fast as I could to her house, I saw 2 cop cars, a fire truck and an ambulance outside my house. It was the scariest night of my life. After 10 minutes my mom called me to bring my niece home and to take care of her and my youngest niece while they were at the ER. As soon as they left, a detective showed up at my house and asked me all these questions.

My neighbor down the street offered to take the girls for me so they weren’t in the way. At 8:15 that night, I got the call that changed my whole life. I had that gut feeling that she didn’t make it, and heartbreakingly I was correct.

I felt like the worst aunt ever, she was 19 months old, and I hardly bothered to spend time with her. I felt guilty that my friends were more important. I fell to my knees screaming and crying, and my brother’s friends ran up to me holding me. Throughout the night my friends stopped by to see me and see how I was doing.

A month after everything happened, my friend at the time was talking to me about my depression and the grieving I was going through, and she was like “not to be mean, but you need to get over it, she’s not coming back.”

I was dumbfounded by her, how could someone say that? I knew she wasn’t coming back! That was my niece though! My heart was broken even more by that comment. I get that she never lost anyone close to her, but you never say that to someone.

The whole year was a blur, I pushed all my friends away because I was grieving, and felt like they would never understand. As the one year mark approached, my best friend told me how our friend wanted her to tell me that I seriously needed to get over myself and that I needed to get over the death of my niece. She kept saying how I need to accept that my niece is gone and never coming back.

We had a strained relationship ever since then, how could I trust her after what she had said? The worst part is she tried to deny that she ever said it a second time! She had apologized after saying it the first time, and while I forgave her, I was very careful around her.

Losing my niece made me realize a lot about how people can be so horrible. There were rumors going around my neighborhood that she was hit by a car while I was babysitting, but the truth is, she passed in her sleep, and her autopsy came back inconclusive, so we will never know what really happened that day.

I have never felt as heartbroken as that night, but I am so glad she is my guardian angel. As much as I wish she were still alive, she is no longer in pain. I will always be her aunt, and she will always be the little girl who lit up the room with that beautiful smile on her face.

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