Every time you head out to the bar with your friends and order a drink, you’re making a decision not only about the type of beverage you’d like to drink but about the type of person you really are. We all value different tastes, effects, and eventual outcomes when we imbibe, and the alcohol you prefer is essentially a metaphorical representation of your personality.
We all love our alcoholic agency, and making the decision to drink is second only to deciding what to drink. Our forefathers fought for our right to choose, and what better way to honor their sacrifice than to get drunk on freedom? That’s clearly what America is really about.
Red Wine
You’re a little snobbish, or you have an ethnically influenced investment in drinking wine with every meal. You probably haven’t actually gotten drunk off your beverage of choice in several decades.
Mainstream Beer
You’re a broke college student, a middle-aged man, or a high school student trying beer for the first time.
Scotch
You’re incredibly suave, and miles above the rest of us in class, taste, and tolerance. But unlike whiskey drinkers, you probably aren’t aware of how cool you really are.
Gin
You enjoy Gatsby-themed costume parties and the subtle taste of Christmas trees. Oh, and you consider yourself a higher class of human than all those vodka-loving lightweights who can’t handle a real martini.
Craft/Microbrewed Beer
You like the way the frothy carbonation collects in your ironic mustache, or you’re on a beer-tolerant health kick. Tons of brand-name beers actually contain high fructose corn syrup, but most craft breweries leave this out. You are well of this important distinction.
Champagne
You’re super fancy, or you’re just a huge fan of bubbles (like that fish from Finding Nemo).
Tequila
You’re trying to put as much distance between your sober self and drunken self as humanly possible. Seriously, why does tequila always equal a personality transplant? Absolutely no one makes good decisions drunk on tequila.
Vodka
You’ve deluded yourself into believing that vodka is a calorie-free alternative to beer (it isn’t).
White Wine
If you’re pairing it with your dinner, then you’re probably either super classy or at a wine tasting festival. If you’re enjoying it with ice cubes and a box of tissues, then you’re a middle-aged suburban mom watching a romantic comedy.
Rum
You value freedom, anarchy, and a healthy tolerance for coconut-flavored drinks. Or you’re in denial that the summer doesn’t actually last all year. Alternatively, you’re on a resort vacation somewhere in the tropics and there are no Rum-free options available.
Whiskey
If it isn’t St. Patrick’s Day, well…you’re just that hardcore.
Sugary Cocktails
You’re out for your 21st birthday enjoying your fishbowl, or you’re too scared to try hard liquor without something sweet to mask the taste.
Malt Liquor
…in a brown paper bag. I think this one speaks for itself.
Absinthe
You’re a big Ernest Hemingway fan, but unfortunately, big game hunting isn’t really an option and you aren’t much of a writer. To honor your favorite author, you’ve decided to imbibe a gentlemanly beverage, and no, you won’t be batting an eyelash when they inevitably pump your stomach. Grace under pressure, after all.
