To my loved one battling addition. This is not goodbye, it’s just tough love. 

It’s not goodbye, it’s just tough love. 

Your addiction has taken over your life completely and I cannot allow it to take over mine. 

Dealing with someone who you love that has an addiction is gut-wrenching and heartbreaking. It’s hard to sit back and watch them make life choices you know are going to hurt them. It’s even harder to just step back. 

I’m sorry that I cannot be the person you need right now. But I hope one day you can understand that addiction for the people around the addict is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have to do what is best for me and that means stepping back. 

I want you to understand that I love you and that is why I have asked that you get help. However, because you see that as an attack there isn’t much more I can do for you at this point. Except love you from a far. 

I hope that you see that this is serious. That you consider some of the situations that your addiction has put you in and that you decide that getting help is what you need. 

I hope that you decide that your life is more important than this addiction. The way that it is taking your life over I’m afraid that it’s going to take your life. 

I hope that you see just because your a functioning for now doesn’t mean that your mistakes won’t catch up to you. That someday your entire life could come crashing down around you because you didn’t listen and hear the love that I have for you. 

At this point I just need you to know that I’m hoping for your recovery and loving you from a far. That is all I can do for you for now. 

Please stay safe 💔

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Dancing With the Devil – Inside Demi Lovato’s Life

Demi Lovato, pop singer and actress superstar, has been open about her mental health and addiction struggles. She recently put out a documentary on her life, Dancing With the Devil. The first two episodes aired on YouTube on March 23th. And two more episodes will air on March 30th and April 6th. In this documentary, Demi, her friends, family, and crew discuss her most recent, near-fatal overdose in 2018.

The documentary covers everything from family issues to eating disorders to being in the spotlight from such an early age and hits the hard, raw points of addiction.

From someone who is coming up on five years of sobriety, this documentary was extremely hard to digest. I was in tears within the first five minutes because I wasn’t expecting such detail about Demi’s overdose. Although there is a disclaimer before the documentary, the cast goes on to explicitly describe the situations.

 

That, in itself, is enough to hit someone hard – let alone someone who has a history of drug abuse.

Drug addiction is one of the most dangerous epidemics. The number of people who battle addiction and alcoholism is through the roof, and much more than we think. We have seen the demise of so many Hollywood stars – and some don’t end the way that Demi’s did.

 

Addiction and alcoholism have taken icons over the years. Prince, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Amy Winehouse, Mac Miller, to name a few.

In her documentary, Demi talks about being sexually assaulted by her drug dealer, emancipating from her addict and alcoholic father, the on and off eating disorder she battled for a good part of her life, how she was able to hide her addiction from those close to her, her mental illness struggles… All of the conversations we should be having but aren’t.

 

The stigma around mental illness and addiction is still in place, which is partly why it has taken so many good people.

In this documentary doctors and family talk about the health problems that happened due to Demi’s overdose – specifically how she had three strokes and a heart attack, along with a tube that was sewed into her neck that filtered her blood. When she first woke up, she was legally blind and still has blind spots. It really is a miracle that she is alive today, and the doctors said that if she didn’t get care for another 5-10 minutes, she would have died.

 

Demi really was given a second chance at life, which is something not a lot of people are able to say.

If you haven’t watched Demi’s documentary, it is available for free to view on YouTube. We are able to see that even though she is loved by fans and is a role model for young women, she still has her faults, flaws, and downfalls.

 

If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, please call the SAMHSA hotline at 1-800-662-4357 or look for a program meeting near you.

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About the Author

Emmie Pombo is a latte and tattoo-loving Tennessean who specializes in mental health and beauty writing. She holds a degree in Journalism and a certification in Makeup Artistry and Airbrushing. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

I’ve Come To Learn That Drug Addiction Is A Disease, Not A Choice

I grew up in a small neighborhood where kids grew up pretty fast. It seemed as though when we hit high school, something switched in my friends’ minds that going to dinner and seeing a movie just wasn’t fun anymore. We began drinking and partying at an age that was much too young for any of us to handle. When our parents were out, away, or even going to bed early, we’d sneak in booze and liquor, partying until late hours—hindering our childhood and rushing into adulthood far too soon for us to handle.

I could handle the drinking. I was never a huge drinker, so I didn’t feel as though it was hurting anyone to have a few beers on a Friday night or drink a mixed solo cup at a party. But, when kids started bringing drugs into the picture—I took a step back. I wasn’t ready to experiment with drugs the way that my friends were, and I wasn’t ready to let it tear me apart.

I have two older sisters, and they’d warned me about drug use at such a young age. They told me scary stories of their friends, losing their lives and their innocence to experimenting with things they couldn’t handle. So, I stayed away, I chose to stay away. My friends chose to partake in the experience. They chose to step through a door that they had no idea was going to be locked shut on them for years to come.

I’ve heard so many stories in the media about drug use, how it’s a choice to use drugs so often that you overdose on them. That every time you use drugs, you’re making a choice to put them in your body. That if you overdose, you chose to die. Every time a celebrity death comes up that is drug related, I brace myself for the comments that will come through social media, how selfish it is and how stupid they are to have chosen such a life.

I used to think that taking drugs every day was a choice. When I was young and my sisters told me about using drugs, they told me I had a choice—a choice that would affect my life for years to come. I agreed, that trying drugs, and beginning to take them—it’s a choice. It’s a choice to succumb to peer pressure and other pressures of society telling you to do so. It’s a choice to decide if your SO uses drugs, you should, too. It’s a choice to try a stronger drug, once the other drugs have lost their strength.

But, once you become addicted to drugs, it is no longer a choice for you—it becomes a disease.

Being an addict is a disease. It’s one that should be recognized as a health condition and treated as such. I never thought this way until I saw friends—close, family friends of mine—battle addiction with drugs for years. I watched friends I grew up with go to rehab multiple times. I saw friends of mine die from overdoses. I saw friends in abusive relationships with addicts. It was hard to escape the epidemic that was taking over my town and neighboring towns—everyone was sick.

The way that people look at addicts disturbs me. They look at them as though they’re disgusting, they’re pathetic, they’re a burden on society. But, they don’t look at people with other illnesses the same. People who develop diabetes from poor diets, they made a choice to eat the way they did. They didn’t choose to develop the disease, but they chose what to eat. Those who are diagnosed with cancer due to smoking—they did not choose to develop cancer, but they chose to smoke. However, if you find out someone is sick with cancer, or diabetes and heart disease—we don’t look down on them as though they are horrible, disgusting people in society.

There is a stigma that is associated with addiction. People look at addicts as though they are trash. But, I’ve come to learn that they are not trash, they’re not horrible, they’re not disgusting. They are sick.

They are sick with a disease that needs curing. They are sick with an illness they cannot shake. Instead of looking at these people as though they are horrible and disgusting, be kind. Understand that—like a person with cancer—they, too, are terrified to lose their life. They are fighting every day to stay alive. They didn’t choose to be an addict.

But, just as any other sick individual, they are fighting to stay alive.

The Effects of Drug Addiction on Family Members

About this disease        

The cunning, baffling disease of addiction is multifaceted, and continues to be a growing epidemic across the United States. Drug addiction carries an unending amount of dangers to an individual’s physical, mental, societal, and familial well-being. Effective treatments have proven to be successful in battling this disease, and layered prevention tactics are making addiction a preventable health condition; however, even though it is treatable and preventable, there are significant elements to pay attention to. This disease is deadly, and Straub (2012) notes the toxic reality of drug and alcohol addiction has produced more deaths, illnesses, and disabilities than any other unnecessary, preventable illness. Jason Shiers Certified Psychotherapist with UK Addiction Treatment says “While commonly it is believed that addiction is a disease, the truth is, this is only a concept and a way of explaining an unexplainable phenomenom, when we look beyond concepts, psychology and psychiatric diagnoses, addiction is a simple misunderstanding, this doesn’t make it any less devastating”.

 

Addiction is monstrous and calculating, and it houses many victims. Unfortunately, an addict’s family remains in the crosshairs of this fatal disease. Imagine addiction as a glass of salt water. Now, pour the water into a healthy plant. Over time, you will watch the plant slouch, wither, shrivel up, and if you continue to use this same food source, the plant will eventually die. The effects the salt water had on this healthy plant mimic the effects of drug and alcohol addiction. This disease is not defined by the act of drinking or using drugs; there are many other layers including the impact on one’s physical and mental health, attitude and behaviors, inner spirit, and the mere destruction of relationships with family members. One family member suffering from addiction paves the route for their entire family to suffer, as well.

A Family Disease

Addiction is often referred to as a family disease. This simply means that while the person using and abusing drugs is suffering, his or her family suffers also. As it is important to recognize how each member is affected, it is just as significant that each family member receives treatment to heal their relationship and emotional wounds. Recovery is a process that requires every single person within an addict’s familial and societal circle to be unified. Though it may be difficult for some family members to hear and fully accept, their behaviors, emotions, and relationship with their addicted loved one directly and indirectly promote and support their addiction – this unhealthy interaction and family illness is called codependency.

The Roles         

An addict’s family suffers the brunt of many layers of this disease. The immediate family, as well as those extended family members, is right in the path of their loved one’s addiction-driven chaos and mayhem. First, everyone’s feelings are exposed and vulnerable. The relationship that existed prior to addiction is completely overshadowed by someone the family no longer recognizes. An addict’s attitude, feelings, priorities, trust, behaviors, thoughts, and even their personality are gravely affected. The fact is that each person is impacted in a unique way, and how he/she is affected really depends on their previous relationship with the addict.

While some family members blame themselves for their loved one’s addiction, others in the family unit take on a sterner role, to the point of seeking out protective orders against the person abusing drugs (SAMSHA, 2004). The most important familial strategy to begin fighting this treacherous battle is to identify who takes on which role. Each family member, by acknowledging, understanding, and taking accountability, can construct a therapeutic plan of action. Now, let’s understand how family roles hinder one’s addiction.

Just like a “non-addicted” functioning family, there are roles each person fills. When addiction enters the family unit, the roles shift, trying to maintain a balance in this new, unhealthy group (Low, 2015). The major family roles include the addict (chemically dependent), the hero (the caretaker of the family), the enabler, the scapegoat, the lost child, and the mascot.  While the addict lies within the center of everyone’s attention, the enabler essentially provides the addict with the financial, emotional, or even physical (driving them to pick up drugs) aspects to support their disease. Enabler’s feelings consist of helplessness and guilt, and often these codependent roles are filled by a parent, partner, or spouse (Kelly, 2015). The lost child role is the one whose life is put on the back burner, as the addict’s role has taken precedent over everything else. Those who embrace this role are normally filled with resentment, anger, and loneliness, as their emotional and physical needs are not being met (Kelly, 2015). Often, a sibling will take on the role of a scapegoat as a way to cope with their drug-addicted loved one. This person is known to act out and draw attention to themselves in an unhealthy, distracting manner, as they are weighed down with feelings of emptiness, shame, and guilt (Kelly, 2015). Finally, the mascot diverts attention away from the underlying problem of addiction, using humor as a distraction while attempting to alleviate the constant stressors that accompany their loved one’s addiction.

The disease of addiction has the potential to tear a family apart from the inside out. The addict can be viewed as untrustworthy and undependable. At times, drug addiction can lead to the addict lying, cheating, and stealing from their own loved ones to support their habit. Stress builds and fights break out, and what once was a healthy, loving family unit is easily turned into a family just trying to emotionally and physically survive from day to day.

The Interpersonal  Destructions of Addiction 

A number of recent studies have revealed exactly how addiction can wreak havoc within a family.  The National Institutes of Health (2016) noted that parents who are addicts severely impact their children by replacing their parental responsibilities with using drugs and maintaining their addiction. Not cooking meals, forgetting about meetings with teachers, ignoring homework, not monitoring their child’s social circle, and just being detached from their child’s life has a damaging consequence. It has a rippling effect, as the NIH (2016) explains children of addicted parents are extremely vulnerable to following the same unhealthy path of living unstable lives and falling into addiction themselves. They are susceptible to poverty, teen pregnancy, and unhealthy behaviors including drug use and addiction. A pregnant addict’s drug use impacts their unborn child’s weight, eating and sleeping habits, cognitive abilities, and developmental milestones (Lander, 2013). As the child grows, they are vulnerable to learning disabilities and social problems. As you can see, this cycle is vicious and reoccurring, and it can easily be passed on from one generation to the next.

There is Hope, There is  Help

             All families of addicts require professional, therapeutic assistance. First and foremost, they must all learn how to accept and embrace the fact that none of them caused their loved one’s addiction, none could control their loved one’s addiction, and none of them can cure this cunning disease. The light at the end of this addiction tunnel is treatment. While emotional, financial, physical, and psychological damages are left from the storm of one’s addiction, there is hope. Many studies and treatment models have revealed that family members must not only get treatment as a family unit, but must also receive therapeutical services on an individual basis. For those seeking a comprehensive recovery program in a serene environment, visiting a luxury rehab facility in San Francisco can provide the peaceful setting and high-quality care necessary for healing and rebuilding lives. Whether it be a 12-step program, group therapy, or individual counseling, there are many options available to help families heal and move forward after the devastation of addiction.
Addiction is a family disease, and even though a family’s turmoil may have begun with their loved one’s addiction, they all have a responsibility to themselves and to their loved ones to learn healthy thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors to support a road to recovery and abstinence.

Recovery is a lifelong journey. It may have started as an individual problem, but it has the potential to evolve into a beautiful family passage.

            

 

Karen Corcoran-Walsh, CAP, ICADC, MFT, ASAM is nationally known as an expert in the treatment of mental health and drug or alcohol abuse and addiction, also known as Dual Diagnosis, with a specialty in working with teenagers. Renowned as an adolescent addiction treatment center professional, she has worked in the professions of education and drug treatment for approximately 20 years. Karen is the co-founder of Inspirations For Youth And Families, LLC an adolescent treatment program and The Cove Center For Recovery, LLC an adult addiction treatment center.

References

Center for Substance Abuse Treatment. Substance Abuse Treatment and Family Therapy. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2004. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 39.) Chapter 2 Impact of Substance Abuse on Families. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64258/

Kelly, V. A. (2016). Addiction in the family: What every counselor needs to know. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.

Lander, L., Howsare, J., & Byrne, M. (2013). The Impact of Substance Use Disorders on Families and Children: From Theory to Practice. Social Work in Public Health, 28(0), 194–205. http://doi.org/10.1080/19371918.2013.759005

Low, M. (2015). Substance Abuse and the Impact on the Family System.  Retrieved from

http://www.rehabs.com/pro-talk-articles/substance-abuse-and-the-impact-on-the-family-system/

NIH. (2016). Drug Abuse Hurts Kids. Retrieved from https://easyread.drugabuse.gov/content/drug-abuse-hurts-kids

Söderström, K., & Skårderud, F. (2009). Minding the baby. Mentalization-based treatment in families with parental substance use disorder: Theoretical framework. Nordic Psychology, 61(3), 47-65. doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1027/1901-2276.61.3.47

Straub, R. O. (2012). Health psychology: A biopsychosocial approach (3rd ed.). [VitalSource digital version]. New York, NY: Worth Publishers.

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