To the Guy Who I Thought I Would Grow Old with

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”? ?Elizabeth Gilbert

Our hearts kept it simple.

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once. I don’t really know when it exactly happened, but somewhere in between our intense eye contact and wiping my tears away as my walls came down that I spent years crafting, I crashed into you fully and never looked back.

My heart was unguarded, and I gave you all of me. We didn’t just hang out. We played. Our souls were alive – we were like two little kids again seeing the world for the first time – being with you multiplied all the good in life and changed me forever.

But our minds were another story.

We were complicated people, you and I. We weren’t simple. Our minds were analytical and imaginative and we thought about everything. A lot. We ended up making every situation in our life about 100x more difficult than it had to be.

We argued a lot. I fought with you at inopportune times, but my anger was fueled by my passion and emotions for you. I cared. I loved you. I loved all of you. I loved that I was the only one you showed certain parts of yourself to, you gave me all of you.

I wiped your tears as you spoke about your family, there’s nothing in this world I loved more than holding your hand and whispering words of reassurance in your ear, because I knew you weren’t broken, you were just bent. And I loved all your edges, all your roughness. Your imperfections were perfect to me.

Pages: 123

Because When I Found Closure, I Found Myself

Closure

I used to be the girl who couldn’t make a decision for her life. I’d refuse to break up with guys even when I wasn’t feeling it anymore, always giving them just enough attention to keep them interested, I avoided difficult conversations at all costs and lashed out in anger when I didn’t know how to say goodbye.

I clung for dear life to people, habits, and identities because it made me feel safe like everything would be okay if I had them.

Goodbye

Until it hit me that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we don’t get our fairytale goodbye. Sometimes the page is torn out before we’re ready and the jagged edges leave track marks on our heart and sometimes life closes a door for us.

Memories

Someone dies, an ex gets engaged, a window of opportunity is slammed shut and we are left with a choice; am I going to bang on the door and demand all my unrealized expectations be met, or can I gather my memories and walk away?

Freedom

What I’ve learned is closure is cathartic, it’s liberating, but damn it is illusive. I hear it all the time, “I can’t stop talking to him, I haven’t had closure.” “I can’t seem to let go, something is holding me back.” “I’m scared if I close this door, nothing better will come along.”

Thoughts

Thoughts like these weigh us down, anchoring us to this negativity that restricts us from our full potential. Now I kinda get off on putting things to bed; closing the lid, wrapping a big bow around it and putting it away for good.

Pages: 12

Letter To Someone I May Have To Let Go

Dear (You Know Who You Are),

I’m writing because I have questions for you. You haven’t been in contact with me since that horrible day I needed you. An important person in my life took my secrets and truths and shared them with you. The presentation was horrific.

Our lives have always been unconventional, atypical. Year after year, there was always a fortissimo of chaos. I went from innocence and ignorance to dissociation.

Repression, aggression, and depression seized my life.

Stagnation is the hallmark of our finite history. I strive to be free from those chains of trauma.

I yearn to make sense of the mess in my head. I don’t expect any of this to be without emotional pain. I don’t expect this to be blessedly quick, either.

I’ve already begun this journey for truth. There is no stopping me now. I only hope you can find your integrity and altruism.

Whatever happened, happened. It won’t hold me back anymore.

Things will never be the same for you and me. It is a bittersweet thought, one I am coming to terms with. You did what you could with what you had. You did what you shouldn’t because it was what you knew.

You’ve been silent like an empty, padded room.

You’ve been distant like an outline on the horizon.

Did those words produce hazy, fragmented pieces of the past?

What does your silence mean?

Sincerely,

A Woman Needing Closure

To the man that keeps breaking me down.

It’s been a difficult year for the both of us. As much as I want to be with you, it hurts me. There were countless times you cheated. You claimed that it wasn’t cheating but kissing another woman, sleeping with someone the same day I was with you, and contacting your ex girlfriends for your self esteem broke my heart. I tried to do everything for you.

At first, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with you; however, you pushed it. When you were done with me, you blamed everything on me. You blamed me for having feelings. You blamed me for not being tough enough and most of all, you blamed me for having such a horrible past. Yes, our culture is different; however, I embraced the difference. I never turned away from you because of the color of your skin. I never turned away from you each time you made comments about my weight. Most of all, I didn’t turn away from you when you needed me most. Where were you when I was sick? Where were you when I had night terrors and cried? Where were you when I couldn’t sleep? It took months for me to realize that you’re just using me. I know, some where out there, there’s someone that will love me. Someone that will treat me well and most of all, someone that will be there for me.

You constantly reminded me, “Don’t blame me and stop judging me.” Well, don’t blame me for finally breaking free of you and most of all, don’t blame me for finally saying you’re an awful guy. As I walk away, with this broken heart, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find what you’ve been looking for. I hope you get everything you want in life. Most of all, I hope you find love and happiness.