To My Friends Who Supported Me When I Was In A Dark Place

Thank you. I know it wasn’t easy for you to see me like that. Someone who once smiled brighter than the sun to a person who struggled to talk. I wasn’t the person I had been a week ago, and I know that it’s hard to understand how things can change overnight, but you did, and you didn’t question it. I was in a dark place filled with sorrow, pain, and self-loathing—so much self-loathing. I couldn’t understand why I was drowning, and the thought of coming back up for air was impossible. But you were there. You saw past the fake smiles and the “I’m okay” and listened when I dared to talk.

I kept waking up thinking that this would be the morning I felt like me again, but every morning that passed seemed to grow darker. Until one morning, I saw the light. To my disbelief, it wasn’t bright and seemed so far away, but it was there. It’s been two weeks, and three days since the moment I stopped being that girl. The girl that called her friends to check in, the girl that smiled at her neighbors she loathed, the happy-go-lucky ray of sunshine that saw past all the bad in life. I know two weeks and three days doesn’t seem like a long time, but it felt like an eternity to me. But you were there; you have always been there even when I didn’t feel worthy of that kind of friendship. It’s hard to believe that my own body and mind could handle that type of raw emotion, but it’s over now, and I’m ready to be me again. I won’t be the same girl I was before because that type of darkness changes you, but I’ll be a better version of myself. A version of myself that is courageous and strong. A version of myself swam to the surface towards the light and now breathes a fresher air.

I don’t know how to thank you for the support you gave me during that time, but please know how grateful I am for your friendship. I am out of that dark place now.

Dear Five-Year-Old Self

Dear five-year-old self,

You didn’t know that bills were going to have to be paid and that learning to drive would come about so quickly. 18 came by quickly. How you wish you could eat crappy food without guilt and run around in day camp without the worries of high school bullying and work drama.

Dear five-year-old self,

You never thought a chronic illness would come about and that you would become disabled. You didn’t think that you would actually get to be an adult and you would have to make choices. You didn’t think that life would go by quickly and that you would have to outgrow Bratz dolls.

Dear five-year-old self,

You had best friends in elementary school but didn’t know you would grow apart in middle school. You didn’t think appearance and popularity would be important until you realized how mean kids really could be. You didn’t know studying could be so hard and just trying to fit in felt like an extra task.

Dear five-year-old self,

You didn’t know the anxiety of adulthood would come about and that the work world would really be something to become an activity on a daily basis. You didn’t know that pressure and drama would occur from college and that innocence of youth was taken away as you realized you had to grow up.

But listen, five-year-old self,

You didn’t know how much you would accomplish as you got older. You didn’t know how smart you were when you achieved academic awards and good grades in high school and college. You didn’t realize how resilient you were when you had to overcome a disability and the adversity and harshness that the world would throw at you for being disabled. You didn’t think you would find love but a boy loves you just the way you are.

You thought as a five-year-old that life would be smooth which was not the case but as you grew up you learned to make choices for yourself and learn how to care for others.

You overcome being fired and laid off from work and being discriminated and bullied against for your disability. You made mistakes you admit and lost friends along the way but you have learned lessons that have made you into a better person. You have become strong and realized to put yourself first and focus on self-care. You have realized that love and laughter are important for happiness and to not stress the small things.

Dear five-year-old self,

Tell your older self to relax and breathe once in a while and to stop overthinking. Tell your older self to give yourself credit for the things you have done and to not beat yourself up over the mistakes you have made. Learn to always overcome fights with parents and loved ones as you continue to grow into a better person each day.

Dear five-year-old self,

Give yourself a chance to let your 27-year-old self be happy and smile. You’re doing the best you can.

Header Image Source

About the Author

Molly Rose lives in PA but is originally from NY. She wrote for Odyssey Online in 2017 and has now started her journey with Puckermob. Molly is getting her Master’s degree online in Human Services at Capella University. She is an advocate for individuals with disabilities. Follow her on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

Spring Blooming

Spring is a bouquet of new beginnings and a reminder of how our times of darkness are never as permanent as they seem. Warmer weather and flowers in bloom don’t just make this world a brighter, more colorful place. They shake us awake from the various forms of slumber that take hold of us in winter.

How crazy it is to think of who we were even only a few weeks ago! Whether it was physically bundled up in defense against the elements, or locked away mentally in attempts to weather internal storms, today, I hope, is different. I look back, an act of quiet privilege, to see how growth has shifted me further and further from what once felt so permanent. The shiver against the cold has left my body, and though I remember its chill, the warmth of today feels all the more welcoming.

We speak so often of happiness, something as fleeting as our seasons, but I think our focus is sorely misplaced. You see, people want the state of happiness like they want warm weather. Are we not the same people who dredge through the summer months as well? I can picture us now, soaked through our clothes and brows permanently slick with perspiration.

Like hot and cold, life’s challenges ebb and flow, and to want for one is to unknowingly beg the invitation of the other.

To chase happiness is to chase a feeling that we tie to a certain day or moment in our lives where it seemed like cold or even brutally hot days would never again surface. You can cling to that for as long as you want, so long as you realize you will be forever subservient to an idea, a yesterday that has come and gone.

Instead of happiness, like a new spring each year, I yearn for growth. Truthfully, it’s within growing that we gain new understandings of peace – something well beyond the limits of a happiness that once served us. Discover the peace of letting go of the idea of chasing happiness, and realize it’s right here, regardless of the weather.

I’ve always dreamt of an eternal spring.

To bottle the energy, sights, and smells of this season would be like capturing our closest slice of utopia. However, to bottle spring without an inkling of winter or summer or fall, would be like getting all dressed up to sit on the floor of your living room. There would be no substance, no reason to rise to the occasion and step into the warmth we all so dearly cherish.

This winter, especially, seemingly drawing to no end, has made me appreciative of the need for seasons; the need for change. I savor every day, even the gloomy ones, more knowing that the world I see today is constantly changing. The tears we shed today will be gone tomorrow, the snow that once blocked our paths will melt away, and the flowers will bloom. Those flowers, though they will leave us, or even precisely because they will leave us, bring joy.

It’s in seeing the beauty of a world that starts again; in life that opens up in the aftermath of winter’s hostility, that I see our lives are not much different.

With each season I feel myself growing closer and closer to something I can’t even put words to yet. I remember once spending my days worrying about if I would ever grow, and now I simply marvel at what I’ve grown into. That’s my favorite part about all of this, and I see it reflected in the world around me as I see flowers blooming in places I would never have expected. I see colors where I once saw barren nothingness.

In my life, as I know thanks to the nature around me, other seasons rest around the corner, waiting to instill even more growth. There will be sunny, tormenting, and unbearable days, where I fly too close to the sun, foolishly thinking I won’t get burned. Cooler temperatures in fall will show me respite, but also leave me wishing the colors that once adorned the trees would stay evermore. Finally, and most certainly, there will be winter yet again. There will be darkness and frost that freezes over many of the things I cherish.

Of course, this is all for a reason, and, yet again, we will bloom in spring.

Header Image Source

About the Author

Miguel is a senior at American University studying Business Administration with a concentration in Sustainable Change & Analytics. His passions outside of writing are running, traveling, and learning new languages. Follow him on Instagram.

15 Pieces of Advice I Wish I Had Been Given at Sixteen

1) Not everyone is going to be your friend.

There are people out there who will use your friendship to their advantage, and then drop you like a bad habit when they’re through with you. There are few people you will actually encounter who will be genuinely true friends to you, but when you find them, hold on to them.

2) Boys are jerks.

Though I probably did hear this tidbit of advice before, I wish they had said it a little firmer. Boys at sixteen don’t think with their head – at least not the one attached to their neck. They care about one thing, and they don’t care if they hurt you as long as they’re satisfied.

3) You do not owe anyone in this world anything.

There are people who will come in your life and make you feel like you owe them for things they have done for you. You don’t owe anyone a damned thing. You are in control of your own life.

Pages: 123456

Going To Bed Angry Is Better For Your Relationship In The Long Run

It’s a universal truth that every couple argues. Some couples argue a lot, some couples argue a little – my boyfriend and I argue more than we do anything else. But, overall, every couple goes through their own problems from time to time. There is no such thing as a “perfect relationship,”—everyone has their sh*t.

When we argue with our SO in our relationship, we’ve been socially constructed to solve the problems that come about right then and there—never giving ourselves a break or time to process any thoughts or changes. We’ve been told that if we truly care about our relationship, we’ll fight tooth and nail to make it work and make it better. We have to find a way to figure it out and we have to do it right then and there.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying “never go to bed angry.”

Basically, that saying is as old as the nature of love and marriage. As time has progressed, society has progressed. We’re constantly on—working, running around, trying to do everything in the small frame of 24 hours that we have. We don’t usually have time to decompress and relax. When we have long days, we yearn to come home to our SO and enjoy our time with them, getting that “break” we truly need.

When that break ends in explosions and fights, it’s almost impossible for us not to get frustrated. The real issue is that society tells us, when we argue with our significant other, we should do whatever we can to solve it and not let ourselves leave without solving the issue at hand.

People think that if you stay up all night long trying to solve problems, it proves some big notion that you care about your relationship enough to lose sleep over it and that means your relationship is strong and resilient and rainbows/butterflies/sunshine-y great.

I call bullsh*t.

When you fight with your SO, it’s healthy to go to bed angry.

I’m serious. Think about it like this—

When you fight with your SO about something important, it takes a lot of energy out of you to argue back and forth with them. Many of times when you disagree, it’s more than just a little thing – there’s a lot of depth to your argument which means, there’s a lot to talk about. The more you talk, the later it gets.

Ever stay up talking to someone super late at night and realize after a while, you stop making sense? You start to become so overtired that your mind is working on overdrive, you start to get foggy and it’s super hard to think clearly and maintain a solid thought process.

If you’re arguing with your SO, you’ll want to have your foundation solid and strong – but, if you argue into the late, late hours of the night, you’ll probably end up making things worse not better. You’ll be so exhausted that your argument will start to sound insane and your mind will start to clutter.

Now, if you choose to sleep on it, instead of arguing all night long, it’ll help in many ways. By allowing both you and your SO to “sleep on it,” you give each other time to process the argument and what happened/what went wrong. Many of times, this allows you and your SO to better understand the other’s argument and stance, which means, you may come into the next conversation with a new, compromising and calm perspective.

As well, you’ll have a clear head and a better sense of your emotions – you may decide you and your partner can agree to disagree and move on from the argument at hand. You may decide that there are ways to meet in the middle and make both of you happy. But, you wouldn’t have realized all of these things at 4 a.m. after you’d been fighting for five hours.

So, if you find yourself disagreeing with your SO and it goes on into the late night – give yourself a break. Get some rest, sleep on it, allow yourself to detox from the arguments and get some rest. I promise you in the morning, you will thank me.

The Heartbreaking Reality Of Loving Someone You Have No Future With

Falling in love is one of the most brutally awakening experiences one can endure. When you meet someone you click with, it often seems like nothing else matters to you—it’s you and them against the entire world and you couldn’t give a f*ck what anyone else thinks.

The beginning of every “epic love” you experience in your life (because trust me, there will be more than one) is always absolute bliss. You’re constantly learning new things about each other, you’re sharing first-time experiences with them and you are hopelessly in love with all the little moments you spend together.

That’s why they call the beginning of every relationship the “Honeymoon Stage.” You are on a vacation from reality – you are living on an island in your mind, where no true sense of truth can make its way in. You’re lounging in the sunshine of their embraces, you’re watching the stars in their eyes—it’s like a permanent break from worry and chaos.

But, every honeymoon eventually comes to an end and sometimes, reality finds its way into your mind. It does happen in life that we fall in love with people we have no future with and we’re left to face the question of what the f*ck do we do next?

Do you stay with someone you’re madly in love with, even though you can’t see them being the end-all be-all of your life? Or, do you prematurely leave, because you don’t want to waste your time on someone who cannot provide a solid foundation for a future with you?

You start to worry about every little thing—overthinking situations that may not happen for years to come—but, they matter in the long-run. How can you truly know what the right move is? How do you know what you should do in this kind of situation?

The truth is there is no right answer. There is no universal truth to dealing with this kind of complex situation. You can love someone with every inch of your soul, every inch of your being, and they can still not be the right person for you, for the rest of your life.

It’s up to you to decide.

Are you willing to stay with someone you love, because you love them, and risk the chance of it ending in heartbreak—having to start all over again with someone new?

On average, people spend over a year or two together before realizing that they are with the “wrong person,” or, that the person they are with has no place in their future. They start to see bigger flaws, issues that will hinder their growth and the relationships’ growth—or realize, they cannot marry this person or start a family with them.

Here’s the honest truth:

Just because you love someone with every inch of your being, doesn’t mean it will work out perfectly in the end. Most relationships aren’t perfect—actually, no relationship is perfect. Every couple has their own issues, quirks, problems they need to fix and work out. That doesn’t stop them from being together, though.

If the red flags are too blinding—don’t stay with someone because it’s easier than ending things. Don’t stay with someone just because you are both already comfortable with each other and you don’t feel like walking away and having to restart it all over again with someone else.

Stay with someone because your love is strong enough to overcome struggles, obstacles, battles and change. Stay with someone you are willing to compromise for and who is willing to do the same.

In the end, the changes that happen over time may surprise you – and, besides, who ever said love was easy?

Here’s Why It’s Actually Really Healthy To Cut People Out Of Your Life

Throughout your life, you are going to lose friends who you thought would be apart of your life forever. From childhood, all the way into adulthood, things change. You’re not going to be the same person you were when you were a child—and, people sometimes grow apart. There’s nothing wrong with having some distance between you and people you once held close to you.

I grew up in a small neighborhood where everyone knew your business. Once I got older, I put some distance between myself and the people I grew up with—I didn’t want their judgments and negative attitudes involved in my growth. For whatever reason, a lot of my childhood friends and I grew apart—I cut them out of my life. While some were mutual, not all of them were. Having to decide to cut someone out of your life is a seriously difficult decision to make. But, sometimes, walking away from toxic people will benefit you more than it will hurt you.

There are some situations in which cutting people out of your life completely—friends, family, significant others—is a necessary decision. At the end of the day, putting you first is the most important part of personal growth.

1. They no longer support you or your dreams.

Sometimes, when you’re excelling in life faster than other people – they get jealous. They aren’t happy to see you doing well, while they’re at a standstill, trying to figure out just what to do with their life. They start to challenge your dreams, your ambition and make you feel guilty for not being so available for them.

This makes you almost second guess yourself – wondering if what you’re doing is the right thing. Never let someone else’s insecurities alter what you see for yourself. Do not let anyone stand in the way of building your own empire.

2. You can’t trust them anymore.

Once trust is broken, it’s incredibly hard to build it back up. It can start small, as someone not keeping a secret – or big, as someone betraying you harshly. If you ever feel as though you cannot trust someone, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about moving on from this person.

You don’t want to be surrounded by people you have to walk on eggshells with or be on your toes for.

3. They are too negative.

Energy does not lie and energy is contagious. The more negativity you surround yourself with, the more negative you will become. You don’t want to be around someone who is constantly the Debby Downer of your life. You don’t need to be around someone who is always looking at the glass half empty.

The more you put negativity into your world, the more negative it will become. Separate yourself from anyone who makes you feel like you are being held down or held back.

4. They take more than they give.

Every relationship and friendship is a two-way street. At times, you may give more than you take, other times, you may take more than you give. But, if someone in your life is always taking and never giving – making you put in all the effort and never raising a finger, you’re being taken advantage of.

No one should ever be given enough power to treat you as though you are only there to serve or please them. If someone makes you feel as though you are not enough of a priority to make as much effort, leave.

5. They are no longer the person you once knew.

People change over time—it’s inevitable. As we age, we grow into different people with different priorities and needs. While change is okay, if someone in your life has changed for the worse instead of the better, and, you no longer recognize them – you can distance yourself from them. You don’t want to be around people who have bad habits and perpetuate that kind of behavior.

Be strong enough to know that walking away will do them more help than harm.

Even In My Darkest Moments, I Believe That Life Will Get Better

The world feels pitch black, heavy in its seemingly constant fog. I am clawing at stability, grasping above the rising waves in complete darkness. But somewhere in the ebony night, I can just make out a glimmer of light because I believe that life will get better.

The world feels harsh, unforgiving in revealing its inner workings. I am lost in the midst of doubt and disbelief, wondering if I can shield myself from the nagging thought that maybe I will never be enough. But deep in my heart, I choose to press on because I believe that life will get better.

The days feel monotonous, tiring in their unceasing routine. I am worried in the wake of my exhaustion, afraid that maybe, I will never discover the powerful sense of fulfillment for which I constantly long. But even as I begin to shut down, I promise myself to never stop searching for the key to contentment because I believe that life will get better.

The hours pass slowly as if time is frozen. I am weakened with every passing moment, fighting the anxious thoughts that threaten to infiltrate my mind, willing myself to breathe steadily, to desperately grasp at any iota of calm I can feel. But even as I struggle to breathe, as I wonder if my humanity is failing me, I attempt to lure myself into a timeless, hazy serenity because I believe that life will get better.

The minutes are unceasing as if they are taunting me in my breathlessness. I find myself longing to feel again, to feel time rushing by, to feel purposeful, to feel whole, to feel fulfilled, to feel distressed, to feel angry, to feel anything besides complete numbness. But as the minutes drone on, as I long to feel sentient again, I discover a spark swelling deep within, urging me to hold onto every moment because I believe that life will get better.

As the weight of the world bears down on me, threatening to break me, I realize that maybe, the darkness enshrouding me isn’t the heartbreaking ending I constantly feared; it’s the bittersweet beginning of a life of opportunity, happiness, and fulfillment. I hold onto hope in the wake of my struggles because I believe that life will get better.

Even in my darkest moments, I believe that life will get better. And, as the weight of the world bears down on you, as you claw at stability, numbly wishing for a life of fulfillment, I hope you believe that life will get better, too.

This article originally appeared on Thought Catalog.

I Am Slowly Learning What It Means To Be Okay

I am slowly learning what it means to be okay.

It seemed to be an unfading happiness, a joy that tears could never squelch. An inextinguishable self-love. An indubitably fulfilling life.

“Okay” was a panacea, a remedy for every conceivable personal ill. A life devoid of problems, mental roadblocks, and perpetual sadness. It was health. It was love. It was perfection. It was a journey; extraordinarily simplistic at first appearance, but nearly impossible to reach.

The seemingly perfect “okay” I sought was nothing but a fantasy, an ideal conceptualization awash in a haze of temptingly alluring lies. I am slowly discovering that being okay is an art form, a balancing act, a dance, a marriage of joy and melancholy.

It’s no longer feeling numb in the wake of life’s problems, but never being fully able to reach the glowing warmth of true happiness. It’s an ember that gradually warms the heart but gradually flickers out as the sadness returns to envelop your mind.

It’s refusing to hate your body and your mind, but not fully loving yourself. It’s looking in the mirror, acknowledging your appearance and walking away as you valiantly fight off the negative thoughts that are bound to invade your mind and refuse to let go.

It’s wondering if you should leave your job, but convincing yourself to stay. It’s resolving to make the most of your circumstances instead of seeking a new path. It’s accepting your decision not to move forward without true happiness, but without regret.

It’s resigning yourself to a life of “almost relationships.” It’s constantly bouncing between “single” and “it’s complicated” without constantly thinking about finding “the one.” It’s seeing an influx of engagements and marriages, but no longer wondering when your will find your forever person.

It’s acknowledging that your life proceeds on its own timeline. It’s no longer wishing that you were somewhere else in life, even though you don’t love where you currently stand. It’s attempting not to compare yourself to others, even if you don’t always succeed.
It’s complacency. It’s resignation. It’s acceptance.

It’s feeling caught in a hazy limbo between who you are and who you could become, not seeking out change, but no longer feeling completely numb as you ponder your life choices. It’s feeling joy and sadness in tandem as you reflect on your life. It’s experiencing the contentment that arrives after tremendous pain, the simple sparks of emotion that remind you that you are sentient.

Being okay is embracing the monotony inherent in living. Being okay is knowing that no matter where you are or how you feel, you are enough.