Before I began sharing about my anxiety, I was terrified to open up to you. I worried that disclosing my anxiety would darken the light, cheery nature of our friendships. I wondered if “anxious” would gradually become my sole identity, overshadowing the many traits that comprise who I am. My greatest hope was that you would understand that anxiety challenges me, but does not define me. The moment I disclosed my anxiety, my fears dissipated.
Whenever I arrived late to meet you for coffee, my hair disheveled, my eyes wet from an onslaught of panic and my slight figure clad in an old, shapeless sweatshirt. I appreciate that you never commented on my anxiety-ridden appearance and always took the time to listen to whatever was on my mind as we sipped our drinks.
Kids always say the darndest things. While they may be young, they are witty, funny, and clever—always without us realizing. How do we find out? Well, you give them a hilarious project that allows their imagination to run wild with thoughts and ideas and boom—you see it in its truest form. Recently, a 3rd-grade teacher asked her class to “write a letter to God,” and the results, well, they’re absolutely hysterical.
It’s been so long since you abandoned me, Dad, but people still ask about you. Most want to know how I’m doing without you, but sometimes they’ll ask how you are and I’m forced to admit I have no idea.
I don’t get too upset by the questions. But even if I refused to speak about you for the rest of my life, I’ll never be able to forget the morning you left.
Because other people don’t ever get it. They say I should be happy that you weren’t a deadbeat my whole life. And, I am thankful for the times when we were close, but that doesn’t mean I don’t ache over you every day.
I wish I could forget the day you chose to leave, but it’s burned into my memory. My life has never been the same.
I try to stay positive. I don’t want to be bitter, but it’s so damn hard.
Why did you break my heart? There was no logical reason. Many parents don’t live with their children, some get divorced and remarried but they still stay in contact. Why did you have to just abandon me?
Something in you changed and took my Dad away. Maybe it was unresolved pain or depression. Maybe it was pure selfishness. Whatever the culprit, I hope you overcome it someday.
Yes, sometimes I scream that I hate you and will never be okay, but I know I will be. I don’t really hate you. You’ve done something I don’t think I will ever forgive, but I’ll always love the person you used to be.
I hope you find happiness because I don’t hate you. Our relationship is marked by things you used to be, but you are always going to be my dad, that will never change.
Next time I see you, I hope I see something different in you, a smile or some confidence. Something I can’t see now. And if I don’t ever see you again, I hope you love your new life, Dad.
Because I am your daughter and I will never stop loving you. Even if you stopped loving me.