You have a piece of me, and no, I don’t want it back. I actually want you to keep it… Yes, please… And I don’t say that with any attitude, sarcasm, or anger but truly and genuinely I want you to keep it. I want you to know that with that “piece” you will always have a piece of me and that piece of me will always care, will always love, and will always be there for you. Even though we didn’t work together… We had first’s together. You were my first REAL true love, the first person who I actually saw a future with. The first man I pictured having kids with.
I saw it all.
You were my firsts with a lot of things. You may not have had many firsts with me. But you had some. And honestly, I’m going to take those as wins. I was the first girl who challenged you and kept you on your toes. Yes, you were constantly always doing work but so was I. I understood “business” and could “keep up” – I know I surprised you quite a bit with that. I was also the first who had goals, dreams, and ambition and could match your determination and ambition. (You found that attractive and that was also a first for me too because typically that intimidates guys…) The first that I am most proud of is that I was the girl who showed you that it was ok to love again. I know about the things women before me have done to you, and I know how you couldn’t trust. That you were afraid to get your heart broken again. I was dedicated to changing that and I put so much time and effort into that…
I love you, I still do, I may always, and knowing that we won’t have a future together hurts more than you know.
Break-ups are supposed to be bitter, I don’t want this one to be that though. I have lost you as my lover but losing you as one of my best friends and losing you as a person in my life hurts 10 times more. With that being said, I want you to know that I will always be there for you and I will always care about you.
I hope you find happiness, and I hope your career skyrockets and reachest the stars. You are already almost there and I know it’s all going to be a success. I hope you end up finding your match and I hope she is your true love, she will be a lucky woman because you are honestly a great guy.
I hope you two have a happy and healthy family, I know you always wanted that.
It kills me to say that, knowing that it won’t be me. But… You deserve to find someone who makes you happier than I could.
All those times we looked up at the sky, looking out so far we felt like we could fly.
First love is an odd concept. Love in general is something I have spent years guarding myself from. Despite that and how many times I tell myself or others that I’m happy on my own at the moment, which I am?—?I am finding myself and starting to live my life for me and I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time?—?I want the romance. I want love, I want a marriage and a family. I am not anywhere near being ready for that right now, but eventually, it is something that I want. I always have. I just haven’t met that person.
It has been something I’ve been thinking a lot about, particularly today?—?for reasons very clear to me?—?which is why I am writing this quick post. April fourteenth is and always will be a big deal to me. Which brings me back to the whole ‘first love’ thing. People say you never forget your first. Your first love stays with you always and I never realized just how true that was until recently.
This boy, this love?—?he is a love so pure and eternally innocent. A middle school crush turned best friend turned skinny love. He came into my life at a time when I needed the emotional connection to someone more than I thought I did even at the time. Looking back at it now, if I didn’t have him then, I don’t know if I would have made it through my parent’s divorce or my downward spiral of a relationship with my mom. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have survived my dad being diagnosed with cancer without him. He gave me something nobody else ever had, and at sixteen, it was everything I needed.
You feel like a dream as you stride over to me. The world fades as you embrace me, holding me as if I am the only woman you have ever loved. As you play with my windswept hair and look into my eyes, you realize there is no one but me. You hope to hold me in your heart forever.
As I admire your roses, I pray that even as the petals fall around me, you will never run. As the beautiful flowers grow brittle, drying and cracking under the sun, you remain. You hold me in your strong arms and love me through every trial.
Your passion and loyalty feel surreal. I convince myself that your pure, true love is an illusion, a fairytale that will end in tears and goodbyes. But every time you speak my name, I fall more deeply in love as you charm me. I admire the way your heart rests in mine.
I am afraid that at any moment, I will wake up from you. I worry that I have simply imagined you, writing a grand love story that you will never read. I constantly wonder if you will disappear, leaving me to pick up the pieces and find traces of your love as I cry over you.
I spend sleepless nights looking out over the city, admiring the skyline as I try to wish you back to me. Your unconditional love seems too rare to believe, so I lie awake, persuading myself that this is real.
I hope I never wake up from you, your kind eyes, your gentle voice, your blooming roses, and your love. You are my dream come to life, the miracle that keeps my heart beating day by day. As I watch the lights brighten the city skyline, I wish for your body next to mine. I imagine a forever with you. Areal, raw love that will never die.
All it took was one message. A simple hello and a few late night conversations and I was hooked. I could tell you were different from the start. You were nothing like the guys I usually fell for. I was not exactly sure what it was about you that had me so intrigued. All I knew is once you said hello, I never wanted to hear you say good-bye. It was strange because I went back in forth in my mind with whether or not I should message you back. This was not because I was afraid to let you in or that I feared being hurt. It was the exact opposite actually. I was afraid I would hurt you or that I did not deserve the happiness I could tell you would bring me. However, looking back now, I am so glad I sent that message and let you in.
I remember our first date. I sat there waiting for you to pick me up questioning whether it even was a date. You never referred to it as one, in fact, you never even hinted at whether or not you liked me or had any interest in me other than as friends. That is what intrigued me the most. You were shy but at the same time, you were open and let me in. You never once hid who you truly were with me; you were your complete self from the start. You wanted to know about me, about my past, my family, my dreams, my goals in life, everything. No one had ever shown that much interest in me before. We spent most of that night talking and getting to know one another and it just felt so easy to talk to you. I never was one to open up easily, but with you, it was easy. We went to a movie that night, and I remember sitting next to you casually moving my arm closer to yours hoping you would grab my hand or give me some sort of hint at what you were thinking, considering I was still pretty confused on the whole, is this a date question. You must not have caught on to my subtle hints though, cause you dropped me off the same way you picked me up, confused.
I went into my house and analyzed that entire night trying to see if you dropped any hints that you liked me, but if you did, I could not find them. All I knew for sure was that you were different, but a good different. A different that I liked a lot and wanted to hold onto and have in my life. It was not until the next day that you casually brought up that it was our first date in a conversation that I knew what that night was. Our conversations became more frequent and more in depth until I found myself hoping it was you every time my phone lit up. I was hooked on your gorgeous blue eyes and your smile that invited me in. I wanted to know more about you, I wanted to know everything.
As the weeks went by it was clear as day that we both wanted this. I found myself falling for you a little more every day. I liked everything about you. The way you sang in the car (even though you are totally tone deaf) and got excited when you found songs we both liked. The way you would get shocked when I said I had not seen just about every movie ever made, and you insisted that we had to watch them all. The way you told your friends and family about me, and how you just seemed so excited to let everyone know about me. The way you remembered small details about me like my birthday, my love for hockey, my hobbies and the foods I actually eat (because yes, I am probably the world’s pickiest eater so remembering that can be a hard task to do). You found ways to make me smile even when I was having a bad day. I felt safe in your arms from the moment you held me tighter when I informed you about my fear of storms. Something just felt right when I was with you. Nothing has ever felt so right or easy like this before.
You make me truly happy. I will forever find myself questioning how I got so lucky or what I did to deserve meeting someone as great as you. Someone who makes me feel beautiful and wanted every day. Someone who is handsome and sexy even when using the most embarrassing Snapchat filters. Someone who is funny and can make me laugh at any time. Someone who is sweet and caring. Someone who knows what it is like to be damaged and to have been hurt in the past just like myself, but does not let that stop them from finding happiness. I know they say that no one is perfect, but I honestly feel that you are. Or at least you are perfect for me.
The future is so unclear and you never know what it may hold. However, standing here today, I hope it holds you. I hope you are the one standing next to me on the good days when I need someone to celebrate with. Like when I graduate from college, or I am offered my first job, or I place in the top ten at a tournament, or I move into my first apartment. Nevertheless, I also hope it is you standing next to me when things get hard and I need a shoulder to cry on. Like when I don’t get the job I thought I nailed the interview for, or things at home aren’t the best, or when I am sad that it is time to let go of my collegiate athlete days, or on the days where my health problems get the best of me. No matter what the future holds, I hope it holds you. I hope you are the one standing next to me through it all. Even though you have not been in my life for very long and the future scares the hell out of me I am not afraid to admit that I hope it is you.
Looking back now, replying to your message was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am glad I put my fear aside and allowed myself the chance to meet someone as wonderful as you. You are the guy that most girls dream of finding and somehow I was lucky enough to stumble upon you. You treat me in a way I thought I would never be worthy of and I will forever be grateful for that. I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for us. No matter what it may be, I will never regret sending that message and having you walk into my life when you did. I can only hope for many years and happiness to come with you by my side.
I’m finally at the point where I can confidently fake a pleasant, positive response when people ask how I’m doing. Some see the sadness hidden in my eyes and give me a knowing look, but most just move on.
They held me as my body quivered when I had no tears left and heard my weakened whispers admitting how alone and defeated I was. They saw my body shrink as I struggled to move past everything.
It’s curious how a problem can be its own solution. On my roughest days, you’re still the only one who can calm me down and talk some sense into my stubborn head.
I know you care about me. You’ve taken responsibility for your actions and I know that means a lot, but part of me will never understand how you treated me so horribly.
On the days where I find the tears streaming down my face, I have no problem angrily telling you how shitty of a person you are. While I do feel that way about you, I also still care for you. I still love you.