Dear Mom,
I can still remember the worst day of my life: the day I lost you. So I stood in a room filled with black trying to understand why the world was doing this to me. Everything I was going to miss began to flash before my eyes.
The one person I needed most, I had to live without. Girls aren’t supposed to live without their moms. I still needed to learn to do all those things you did for me, all those things you made look so easy.
I hated coming home to a house I knew you wouldn’t be in, or getting off the bus and not seeing you waiting. And I wanted to hear your voice ask me about my classes. Dad did his best to help me with homework, but that was always our thing. I had to encounter so many milestones without you, and I knew it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t choose to leave us.
My first school dance, I knew you would’ve taken twice as many pictures as the other parents, and developed them the next day. My first date: I wondered if you would’ve helped me find something to wear, whether or not you would’ve liked the boy. I wish you could have faced my awkward years with me. Throughout my first relationship, I wondered when to tell them about you because no matter how much time passed, the words My mom’s dead don’t ever sound great. My first prom: when everyone of my friends had two parents to take pictures with, I knew I was missing a vital component. And I know you would’ve cheered the loudest as I walked across the stage at graduation. You wouldn’t be there for my first day of college. While everyone always said they got home sick, I know you would’ve given the best advice to make me feel better.
I can’t imagine not having you there for my wedding day; I know you would’ve told me I was the prettiest bride. I’m going to have to face every Christmas and every birthday without you. No matter what I asked Santa for or how many candles were on my cake, my wish was and is to have you back–and I knew it could never be granted. There will always be sadness to every holiday we have without you by our side. There will always be sadness when I realized I can’t say “parents??? when talking, but I’ve learned to only say dad. I wondered, at first, what our family could be without you a part of it. I wondered if I would turn into the daughter that would make you proud, or if your absence would mean I’d never amount to my full potential.
I sat there with all those thoughts rushing through my head, and a million people all around me, in a room full of your favorite flowers, and pictures of you and the time we did have the privilege of having you with us. Although you were taken from me and I can’t understand why, I know you didn’t want to go. I know you probably wondered what would happen to us with you gone, too. Would we be okay? But there are a few things you should know:
I want you to know, dad is going to do a great job.
He figured out how to brush my hair. He even made it through my awkward stages of puberty. He made it through my dating phases and wiped the tears I cried over guys. He became the hard*ss I never knew him to be, and that is because of you.
I want you to know, the only reason I am the person I am is because of you
I’m doing pretty well today, and I take pride when people tell me I remind them of you.
I want you to know, I miss you every day and take you with me.
Although a lot of time has passed, you aren’t forgotten. I still look at the pictures of us with as big of a smile. I know you’re still here.
I want you to know, I will never forget you.
I’ll keep telling people about you and, although our lives have moved on, they move on with you in our hearts.
I want you to know, I’ll do my best to make you proud.
Every day I try to make everyone proud, but, most of all, I want to make you proud. I know you’re up there, looking down on me every day.
I want you to know, I still hear your voice when I’m faced with a difficult situation.
Your voice is one I’ll never forget. Sometimes when I’m faced with conflict, I think about what you would’ve done.
I want you to know, I’ll be strong for my siblings–but sometimes I’ll break down.
And I want to be strong for them, I want to never shed tears, but there have been moments (and I’m sure there will be more) where I’ve been strong for too long and I break down, knowing your invisible arms are wrapped around me.
I want you to know, my kids will know about you and I only wish you could meet them.
My kids will know about their grandmother, and so will their kids.
I want you to know, I’ll try and be nice to dad’s new GFs–but none of them will compare to you.
And I know dad is a catch; he got you. Though I was apprehensive at first about him moving into the dating stage, I accepted the new women in our life. She knows she’s second to you.
I want you to know, I’m going to mess up and I wish I could hear you yell at me for it.
During this thing called life, I’ve messed up and I’ll continue to mess up. Sometimes all I want is to hear your voice yelling at me one more time.
And I want you to know, I’ll never forget your voice–but I wish I could hear it.
I wish I could hear your voice in something other than the videos and in my memory. But I’ll keep it with me, until we meet again.
And I want you to know, I’ll never forget your hugs and kisses–but I wish I had one more.
Even if dad gives the best hugs and kisses, I do still miss yours and would love one more, if I could.
I want you to know how thankful I am to call myself your daughter.
Of my many accomplishments, one of my favorites is simply being your daughter.
I want you to know how much I really do love you.
Most of all, please, know I love you.
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