Tag: napper

18 Things Only Professional Nappers Will Understand

Professional nappers have skill. Napping is a masterful art form that is really, very under-appreciated.

Nappers are part of an elite group of people, who can only truly appreciate that feeling you get when you achieve a Holy Grail Nap:

  1. All of your major life problems are solved by a nap: when you wake up from your nap, either the problem has disappeared or has gotten so big that you can’t do anything about it anyways.
  2. Actually, almost everything in your life is solved with a nap. You don’t make decisions without it.
  3. No one messes with your naps….You ain’t fucking with my nap.
  4. You have canceled on people because of your nap time…
  5. And are perpetually late to dates because you can’t survive social interactions without it.
  6. You don’t feel guilty anymore…I mean, a nap can make the difference between you hating or loving everyone.
  7. You have come to the realization that napping for three hours on a Friday afternoon is the closest you’ll ever get to heaven.
  8. You have been betrayed by your holy act though…
  9. Like when you try to take a 20-minute nap, and then wake up 8 hours later confused as to what century you’re in.
  10. You then spend the next few hours looking like Lil Wayne.
  11. Sometimes you just have so much to do that you just decide to take a nap.
  12. Couches, chairs, floors…..are all wonderful opportunities just waiting for you to nap on.
  13. You have absolutely no shame on the weekend when you go back to sleep only a few hours after waking up.
  14. The struggle gets real when you have to decide between getting food or napping for just a little bit longer. (The nap always wins).
  15. Anything you do that makes you feel proud gets rewarded by a nap. 10 crunches? I think that deserves a little nap.
  16. You get outrageously jealous of animals like cats who just get to nap all day long.
  17. Your friends know what’s up if you don’t text them back for hours…
  18. You probably got a little too excited reading this and are now drooling at the thought of taking your precious nap today.

12 Things To Know Before Dating A Professional Napper

They don’t call napping a profession for nothing. It’s not just a skill, it’s a lifestyle in which you learn to appreciate the impeccable beauty of short term sleep.

Which is why there are a few things to know when dating someone who is one of the chosen professional nappers out there:

  1. We will fall asleep during our alone time. Cuddling or watching TV together, especially when we watch TV with you. About ten minutes into the show or movie (usually movies), you’ll probably hear our soft snores. So make sure it’s your favorite TV show or film so you’re opened to watching it again…and again…and again.
  2. Do not interrupt our nap time. Please. It is a vital time for us and unless you want to see our wrath, do not mess around with our naps. Just don’t do it. Seriously.
  3. Unless you want to join us in our nap time. In that case, you’re a keeper.
  4. But be careful when you do…because than we’ll have a time when we take a nap together for what’s supposed to be twenty minutes, but wake up four hours later feeling like we’re in the next century.
  5. If we’ve suddenly stopped texting you…don’t panic because it’s not you, we’re probably just taking a nap. Just wait a few hours.
  6. That also goes for dates. Of course we won’t do this all the time, but there will be few times where we cancel or postpone dates because we just gotta have that nap and unless you want to have a date with a cranky person who’s having trouble surviving human interactions, I suggest you allow it.
  7. And if we happen to be late to places. Blame it on the nap.
  8. Try not to be alarmed when we wake up…because I can guarantee you we’ll be looking like a chia pet. In addition…
  9. Make sure to have a snack or two…because there is a such things as nap munchies that are arguably as strong as weed munchies and bare in mind that twix ain’t got nothin on pringles.
  10. We’ll be a bit jealous of your ability to do errands without taking a nap first or even afterwards. A little bit. Like a tiny bit.
  11. We’ve added your body to the list of places to take naps on. Bed, couches, carpet floor, your stomach, etc. But beware, there will be drool. Lots of drool.
  12. There’s so much we want to do with you…but we’ll just settle for a nap. Join us.
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