Your memory burns like a FIRE

What may really throw you off is that narcissists can be be exteremely charming. Don’t be fooled, as my mother once said; “Looks can be deciving.” With him it wasn’t all about the looks, don’t get me wrong he wasn’t the ugliest man on the Earth. Not to mention he came with a trendous amount of flaws, flaws that i never expected him to have. Needless to say, i looked passed all his flaws. I love him for who he was and most of all i accepted the person he use to be in his past.

He spent 5years chasing me. Don’t get aroused , this isn’t a love story, and we most certainly didn’t have a “happy ending.”

He was the guy that was on my ‘DO NOT DATE LIST’. Something changed, New Years of 2021 I made a list of resulotions. One that included Dating someone who wasn’t my type. Somewhere in site of it all i started chasing after a guy who i said i’d never date. Before i’d made a bunch of excuses as to why i’d never give him a chance. In my gut i knew he was no good for me, but i chose to honor my resolutions and give it a try.

Here’s how it all started…. It was some time in November of 2020, it was 3am… I was scrolling through Facebook because i couldn’t sleep, which was nothing unusal. He messaged me.. “Wat r u doing up so late?” as the conversation proceeded he eventually asked “we shld hangout…..” I read the message, and went back to scrolling through facebook, when he messaged me again saying “i guess not?????” I remember a million excuses running threw my mind. None of which i used. Instead i sent him my address… Fast forward. He was sitting on my couch, as i got up he said, ” Fuck this.” He said i’d been waiting forever for this moment to happen and kissed me. None of this was anything sort of what i expected. Before i knew it we were in my bedroom, and you know what happens after that. I told him i didn’t want a serious relationship and he agreed. It was settled friends with benefits. We all know how that turns out… Someone always fall in love. unexpectedly i was the one to fall first. 

Things were great at first when it was no strings attached. Then one day i found myself blowing up his phone because he couldn’t repsond to not one of my text messages. 

Fast forward, he moved in with me… Things got worse not better. We fought at every little thing. I started questioning my self.  He became a cold person. I lost any self esteem i had left. He made me think that my own mother was trying to turn me against him. Every fight we had was always my fault. If i even dared to tell him that his actions hurt me, he grabbed me by the throat and choke me. He slap in the face telling me, ” I hate doing this to you, i don’t wanna hit you.” Eventually it didn’t matter what i said. Finally i had enough nerve to move 2 hours way just to get away from him.. Moving in my mom or dad wasn’t an option because I knew i’d run right back to him. I was blinded by “love” But that wasn’t love..

It’s been 2 months since i spoke to him.. I hate that I can’t get over all the things he’s done to me.. I keep thinking i need closure . Truth is closure isn’t always whats best for us. It took me quite sometime to real that. Leave the past where it belongs. Stop saying ” good things never happen to me”. They’ll only happen if you let them.

The Moment I Knew My Husband Was A Narcissist

She was a den leader in my son’s boy scout troop. A bit younger, fairly pretty, but also six or seven months pregnant and swollen with new life.

When I found out, of course it became my fault. I wasn’t supportive enough when his grandmother passed away. He needed someone softer, kinder in that moment. Not to mention I had my tubes tied after a difficult pregnancy, rendering me incapable of ever again walking around with that beautiful glow. He was into that glow, you see. Attracted to its gravity; lured in by the temptation of it. It was a fetish he just couldn’t escape. The fact that I was sterilized at his request was irrelevant. It was my fault for going through with it.

It was my fault.

I fell to the ground at the sound of those words. Leaning against the bed for support, I sobbed into my hands. Devastated and inconsolable until my chest burned and my head throbbed. He looked at me from across the room, a blank expression that did nothing to hide his annoyance at being forced to deal with my hysteria.

“Are you done?” he asked. So plain and unfeeling, as if he was asking if I was finished eating a meal.

I cursed at him, calling him out on his callous demeanor. That’s when the air changed. His face tensed and his fists balled, and he charged, stopping inches from where I still sat on the bedroom floor. He leaned over me, rage ablaze in his eyes.

“Wah, wah, wah,” he screamed, loud and startling. “It’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. Stop acting like a toddler having a tantrum and get the hell up off the floor.”

By this point, we had been married five years.

My husband was never the kindest. In fact, he’d boasted on our first date about how he’s an ‘asshole with a silver tongue’. I was nineteen at the time, and I found his overbearing confidence endearing back then. In retrospect, there were plenty of signs before we got married, red flags that I chose to ignore. Subtle at first, but growing more obvious every day we were together. A couple years in is when the abuse really started, both emotional and physical with one just as crippling as the other.

But nothing like this. The man in front of me was so cold, so unfeeling that he could blow up our entire marriage because of a fetish, blame it on me, and then become furious when I had the audacity to cry about it.

This was the moment. The one that told me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the man I was married to wasn’t normal. To call him a man was false. He was a monster, and something was terribly wrong with him.

Every person who finds themselves married to or involved with a narcissist has this moment. Its context is unique to each situation, but it always leaves the victim shaken and terrified of the person they’ve decided to share their home with. It’s possible you have recently experienced this yourself, which has motivated you to seek out a better understanding of what you’re dealing with.

I stayed married to my husband six more years after this incident.

Eleven years of my life were wasted trying to convert a monster into humanity. Trying to fix the unfixable and save someone who had no desire to be saved. I tried to leave several times, but found myself persuaded to come back either by empty promises or violent threats.

The day I finally escaped my narcissist was the first day of my healing process. It was a turning point for me and my children, but it was a slow turn. I had to give myself permission to be okay without him because he had me convinced this could never be the case. But, once I was removed the fog was lifted. I could see what he was without question, and more importantly, I could finally see that I didn’t deserve it.

 

About The Author

Mary Rhines is a romance author with a weakness for the alpha male who also has a heart of gold. She was born and still lives in a Southwest Florida beach town with her children and other half/best friend. If she isn’t creating her next mouthy heroine, she’s probably in the kitchen making something delicious or enjoying the Florida sunshine.
You can follow her on Facebook Here 

This is How Being in a Narcissistic Relationship Caused My Anxiety Disorder

Narcissists cling to those who have big hearts because they can tolerate a great deal of subliminal abuse. But it’s only so long until they finally realize the damage being inflicted on them and build up the courage to walk away. It’s a process we’ve seen play out over and over, but what no one seems to realize is the impact narcissistic abuse can have on your mental health post-relationship. Your mental health deteriorates even after you free yourself from a narcissistic relationship. I know this first hand because the truth is, being in a relationship with a narcissist was cause for my anxiety disorder.

It all started with the verbal abuse sinking deeper and deeper into my system.

The awful things my narcissistic ex-said about me echoed in my mind so often that they slowly became my reality. I felt like I was nothing without him, I thought I was too sensitive, I overreacted too much, I thought everyone hated me and honestly, I started to hate myself. I lost touch with family members, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I had completely and totally isolated myself without even realizing it. And it’s all because his narcissistic abuse convinced me to do so. I was alone and trapped in this world where I had absolutely no control over the things that happened to me… I was terrified and frozen.

This Is How You Know You’re Most Definitely Dealing With A Narcissist

Have you ever had someone in your life that said or did absolutely disgusting things to you? Have they ever made up such bullshit stories that you knew were lies but in their mind, it was the absolute truth? You’re dealing with a Narcissist.

Narcissism the actual definition of narcissism is: the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes.

Narcissists are master manipulators. They cannot distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality.

Have you ever met a narcissist? Are you with one now? If you’re not sure, I’m going to give you 5 easy ways to spot one and then provide secret confessions from actual people that are dealing or have dealt with narcs.

1. They LOVE to talk about themselves.

Every conversation the two of you will have centers around them. You’ll never be able to get a word in, and if you do, but it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

2. They don’t know what the hell boundaries are.

 they completely disregard other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Narcs overstep and use others without consideration or sensitivity. They borrow items or money without returning – so good luck EVER getting anything back. They’re notorious for breaking promises and obligation, they show little to no remorse and blame the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

3. They think they’re entitled to EVERYTHING.

They expect everyone to cater to their needs and demands, without doing anything in return. Selfish assholes.

4. They’re master charmers.

they like to make the supply feel special and wanted but to their own gratification. They don’t do it because they’re genuinely interested in the person, it’s to make sure that once they have their hooks in you and their true colors show, you’re not able to leave them. Love bombing to the max.

5. They always put the blame for their failures on everyone else.

Come on dude, we know it’s YOUR fault. It’s not someone else’s fault that you failed school, lost a job, your relationship ended, or any of that shit. It’s all YOU. You are the reason your life sucks.

Aren’t narcs fun? If you were planning on saying the opposite of no, then please take your face and smash it into the nearest desk or wall because NO narcs are not fun. That was a rhetorical question.

Below are secret confessions from people that have dealt or are currently dealing with narcs.

  • He told me that “I bet your teachers at school must really hate working for you. You are probably really difficult to work for. You should probably start exercising and trying to tone.” And when I lost twins; miscarried one and then 6 weeks later the second one: “you knew this was coming. I don’t know why you are upset.” 
  • He told me that I deserved to be raped by my ex because I refused sex. 
  • He told me by text that he had been to the doctors and they told him he had weeks to live with kidney cancer!!! I work on a ward full of palliative patients!!! I knew a general practitioner could not give a diagnosis like that at a first appt because they would need blood tests and hospital appts!!!!
  • He told me that I should seek therapy, for issues between my mom and I were the cause for our problems (which my mom and I have no issues), to make me feel like I was the cause of our lack of intimacy, while she was leading a double life with a coworker!  
  • He told me that I’m a freak for suffering child abuse. 
  • He said he was single when in actual fact he was engaged. What kind of a sick prick cheats on his fiancé for ten months out of their engagement??? 
  • He said he had a brain tumor!! Seriously…. he looked healthy, and always drank alcohol. Got 2 be kidding me. 
  • He told me that he hasn’t cheated on me, that he hated me more than he loved our daughter, & that loving me sucked. 
  • He told me that I was worthless, replaceable, used up and a whore. He told me that he was going to make sure that I got my son taken from me because he hates me that much – I have no record. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t do anything except work and go home to my son. 
  • Mine told me that he cheated on me the entire time we were together, took multiple girls’ virginities and that I was a dumbass for not being able to see it….yet he claims I cheated on him. 
  • He said he never really loved me. He was only with me for my money. 
  • He told me that he sold his food stamps to his mother to pay for his child support.
  • Nothing a narcissist says is true. Their entire life is built upon lies and being frauds. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a “little” lie, it’s still a lie.
  • When you finally learn how to stand up to the abuser, they are so quick to turn the tables and cry, the victim. Always remember, they are not the victim. They created all of the hurt, the lies, the betrayal, etc. There can’t be victims of the circumstances THEY created.

Being emotional, psychologically, mentally, or physically abused is NEVER okay and no one deserves it.

As Her Vision Blurred so Did the Lines, and You Took Advantage

What started out as a night with friends, filled with drinks and laughs ended completely different.

She wants so badly to blame the alcohol, but she immediately feels shame and guilt.

She wishes she didn’t flirt with you or call you over. She would love to turn back time and not accept the drinks you bought her, or overlook your too-grabby hands.

You violated her personal space with each drink you bought her, and when she looks back on it, she’ll hate herself for ‘letting’ you do it.

But she shouldn’t.

A few steamy glances and accepting of offered drinks is not consent.

Her low cut dress and flirty words are not permission.

But as her vision blurs, so did the lines, and you took advantage.

You stole something from her, and she thinks it’s her fault.

She’ll sweep it under the rug as if it never happened. She’ll pretend it didn’t, she’ll wish it didn’t.

But you’ll always remember.

You’ll justify it in your disgusting mind by saying she asked for it.

But the only person who should have been asking a question was you.

And if her answer wasn’t yes, then you should have let her be.

An Open Letter to the Girl Torn Between Loving and Leaving

He Elates You Then He Deflates You.

What Gives?

He is your entire world. You think he could be the one. He makes you happier than you’ve ever been before…..some days.

And other days, the complete opposite. Love is an action. Each day he should be loving you by showing you how much you mean to him. It’s not always a big romantic gesture, but a simple phone call in the morning telling you that he hopes you had a good day, coming home to a clean house when he knows that you’ve had a long day, a good luck text before a big day at work…the little things that show his love on a daily basis.

Sweet girl,

If you’re torn between loving him and leaving him, think about these few things.

Are your friends and/or family constantly telling you that you deserve more?

How many late nights have you spent crying because his controlling manner brings you down?

Does he treat you like a queen? This doesn’t necessarily mean diamonds and roses (while those are definitely nice though!),it just means that he puts you first. He puts your wants and needs above his, he makes sure that you’re always happy and does whatever he can to keep a smile on your face.

 

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