It’s rare to find someone who matches your loyalty and commitment. In the process of trial and error, you come across some real duds.
Regardless of where you are at, sometimes, it just feels good to be a little petty.
Punish your man, punish the side bitch, do what you need to do to feel better this Valentine’s Day.
1. A family photo of you and your man. Just to add a little salt to the wound. She probably won’t feel much remorse, but could you just imagine how your smiling faces would get under her skin when her only pictures with him are from a Snapchat roll?
2. His phone bill. You know. For an open line of communication or whatever. Paying for his bills makes it official, right?
3. A number 2 pencil. So she always remembers her place.
4. A bag of dicks. Dozens of gummy dicks because she can never have enough in her mouth. This is a good one to have delivered to her job.
5. Even better, a glitter bomb. This is clearly my go-to solution for everything. She won’t ever forget your wrath.
6. Bags of your partner’s dirty laundry. If you are going to fuck ’em, you might as well wash his dirty ass boxers.
7. A walk-of-shame emergency kit. Get creative with this one. Throw in gum, a hair tie, a pair of granny panties, and a custom t-shirt that says “I just slept with another woman’s man.” Maybe some fem wipes, condoms, and STD pamphlets as well. Just to be safe.
8. A sex toy. So she can be penetrated by something other than your man.
9. A ticket to a Valentine’s Day pub crawl. This is an opportune moment for her to find her very own boyfriend! She probably won’t go for it, but it is worth a shot. If she gets lucky, she might even be able to find a single one.
10. A therapy session. Clearly, there is some sort of underlying issue that makes her believe it is okay to pursue a man that is in a relationship. Pay for a session so she can go cry about it. Or maybe a couple sessions so she and your man can work things out.
11. A party! Who doesn’t love a good Valentine’s Day soiree? Invite all of your man’s family and friends! Bonus points if you can get her family and friends there too! Naturally, she would be the guest of honor, so don’t forget your big speech!
12. An ass beating. For those risk-takers out there, this is usually the more satisfying option. You might catch a charge, but you’ll feel a lot better after that first fist-to-face connection.
13. Your man. Because in the end, if he is going to entertain another girl, she can have him. She’ll be under the impression that he would never do the same to her and that misconception will be the ultimate revenge.
And you thought that cheater was off the hook? Think again.
Have a good laugh? Check out Courtney’s Facebook to see what she is up to next.