It’s that time of the week again, the time when we pull together all of the most hilarious tweets from the women of Twitter and share them with you.
So, sit back and enjoy some of the funniest jokes made by ladies this week.
1.
If I have a medical emergency don’t U DARE call an ambulance y’all better uber my ass to the hospital bc we not about to pay 5,000 for a ride in the wee-yoo wagon
can anyone else confirm that girls have 4 types of showers, a “quick body wash”, a “hair and body shower”, a proper “exfoliate shave, moisturizer, hair mask, singalong” and then a “depressed leave me alone I wanna die” shower.
A lady I work with sends her dog to doggy day care n the woman that runs it does seasonal photo shoots with the dogs ? This is their christmas pic pic.twitter.com/gnPZXjQdWy
14. NotTodaySatan1met Jason Mraz, who is a really nice guy it turns out!!!
Jason Mraz once bought me a beer after a show, then walked me to my car afterwards because it was late and I was alone.This was June 2003.He was super nice. EDIT: Jason if you see this, you were super nice to an awkward girl.Thanks man.Ps you totally could have gotten laid.
my ex met gene simmons a few weeks ago at a convention.after getting a picture with him he asked her for her phone number because according to him “im doing a show later tonight and i like to bring a lot of pretty girls on the stage and you can come up.” Later she said his personal assistant blew her cell phone up stating that gene would like to have a “more personal meeting” after the show.she adores kiss its her favorite band, but said “im not banging old ass gene simmons.”
I wasn’t a groupie as such but dated a guy in a tribute band for Guns N Roses a few years ago. He and I would have sex regularly, and the “Axel” of the band suggested we have a threesome sometime.I spoke with the guy I was dating and we arranged it.He still wore his Axel getup and quoted him, asked me to call him Axel Rose and it was the most cringeworthy experience of my life.
10.According toadsherlock, Russell Brand has a sex house.Surprised?
Friend of a friend hooked up with Russell Brand a couple of years ago after one of his standup shows in London.Apparently his ‘house’ was a warehouse with multiple floors.Bedroom on the ground floor to ‘get them in and get them out’.She went back one more time.Decided he is a total creep and never returned.Don’t think she has been to see any of his shows since.
9.hopsinduo‘s friend’s mom slept with Robert Plant and got a clock:
My friends mum slept with Robert plant back in the day on a few occasions as a groupie.He gave her a clock as a present which turned out to be a clock from Royal Victoria Station in London.She talked quite fondly of the time and seemed to generally just be happy she was banging somebody attractive and good in bed.Oh and was from the best band in the world.
The original post was put on her Facebook page and outlined a very specific request for outfits from all the guests. The wedding, which is “a year away in Hawaii,” broke down what each guest should wear according to their gender, age, and weight. Additionally, the bride said her guests should plan to spend $1,000+ for their outfits (not even considering the trip itself and the wedding gift).
After many people who saw the post screenshotted and reshared it online—trolling and shaming her—the bride went back to social media to respond to all the negative vibes being thrown her way. Not only did she shame “whoever it was who posted it again,” but, she also said she was going to have all her friends and family over for a “Polygraph Party.” Yes, that’s right, she wanted to have people over to take a lie detector test just to find out who reposted her original attire request. Talk about insanity.
After her long-winded explanation and more yelling, more people on Reddit were honest.
She’s just a gift that keeps on giving.
Meanwhile I would certainly trust a $100 lie detector bought off Amazon. /s
I hope it reads like everyone is lying. Even her husband.
All service industry employees and veterans have tales the rest of the world simply would not believe. The types of characters that reside in the kitchen and on the service floor are beyond description and sometimes even comprehension.
Though there are those patrons who are sweet, generous, and enjoyable to talk to, there seem to be far more freakazoids out there, intent on ruining somebody’s day.
Redditor u/StittDownAndListen recently asked the Reddit community, “Waiters and Waitresses of Reddit, what is the most awkward couple date you have ever witnessed at work?” The responses are bewildering, upsetting, and also somewhat hilarious.
1.
First date, I would estimate college age. They’re eating and the girl says “I’m having a really nice time, but my friend just texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, and I said yes, so I actually have to go.”
Had a couple come in one night and everything seemed to be going fine. We just hired a new sever who was training and I asked her if she had any questions. She was still nervous about greeting tables so I told her she could shadow me and watch what I do.
We go over to the couples table and all I hear from the new server is “YOU F**KING BITCH I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME”
Turns out the guy was her bf on a date with his side chick and he didn’t know she just got a job there.
I guess you could call this a couple date. I was working at a wine bar when a married couple sat down on a pretty slow night. I went over the specials and they ordered. Once appetizers came out the man thought it would be a good idea to serve his wife divorce papers.
I did my best to avoid that side of the bar. I did bring out tissues for the wife who was breaking down. I ended up boxing up the dinner. The guy paid but I do not envy that ride home.
When I was bartending this guy came into the bar on a week night, average looking guy, late twenties. He sat down and asked for a drink and told me he was nervous because it was his first date in 3 years and they had met on tinder. He arrived 20 minutes before her expected arrival to get rid of some of his nerves….two hours passed and he waited for her with no text or call explaining she would be late.
This woman walks in, walks up to the guy and I’m thinking “wow! She really came! “ . She looks at him and says “Are you Joe?”, the guy replies yes and gets up to properly greet her looking incredibly excited….she says “no thanks…” and just leaves.
What a foul creature.
Joe(not his real name) and I proceeded to get way too drunk for a Tuesday. Poor average Joe.
There’s a habit of some older couples where the elderly gentleman will order on behalf of his wife. I guess it might have been cute and romantic once, but it doesn’t work with some younger couples.
I was serving a younger couple (early 20s), who seemed pretty early into the relationship. They were ordering drinks and he orders her drink for her.
Far from being dazzled by him knowing what she wanted, she didn’t want any of it “Well I’d actually like a latte, not a coke. But fine whatever, if I don’t get a say…”
He responded quite angrily with “oh sorry, have what you want then!” She got her latte and he glared at me. They ate and left.
Couple came into the restaurant dressed very goth. I wasn’t their server but I was running the cash register just a few feet away. They proclaimed to everyone that they were energy vampires, but not to fear them because they won’t hurt us.
They said they didn’t need our food for sustenance, but enjoyed the tasted. After ordering the meal they then politely asked the waitress if she would stick around for a second so they could feed off of her aura so they could have enough energy for the night.
The waitress said ok and gave me a side glance over her shoulder that I knew meant “I better get a good tip for this”… The couple clasped each other’s hands, closed their eyes, and made sucking sounds for a solid minute before leaning back in the seats and sighing as if they had just had a turkey dinner.
The waitress was indeed tipped well for her delicious energy.
Served a deaf couple having a fight. They went from both of them signing furiously to her crying and signaling to me for a stack of napkins for, I assumed, her tears. She whips out a pen and starts writing paragraph after paragraph angrily.
It was awkward because i kept having to come back to the table since they ordered multiple courses and he was just eating and signing while she was hunched over the table writing away while crying.
When they finally left they tipped me pretty well though so I guess it wasn’t too bad?
When I was a waitress at Olive Garden, one of my tables was going over their divorce paperwork. When I greeted the table I asked how everyone was and the woman said, “Terrible! We are getting a divorce.”
There was a couple at my work having drinks, girl went to the toilet, came back and admitted that she’d been sleeping with the guys brother. Apparently glasses were thrown across the room and they both got kicked out.
Not exactly a date- but I served a couple one time who had met up to discuss the terms of their divorce at the fancy-ish restaurant I worked at at the time.
They came before the dinner rush so they were pretty much my only table, and every-time I’d check in on them the wife was extremely angry/tearful and they were bickering about holiday schedules for their daughter/timeshares etc.
It wasn’t the end of the world but it was extremely awkward to butt in to change our their forks or refill drinks while they were so emotionally charged.
A girl brought two tinder dates and played them off each other game show style. They seemed to be unaware this was what would happen. Splitting the bill was hilarious.
Growing up seems like something that everyone goes through–but there are some individuals who take much longer to mature than others. When it comes to our boyfriends and husbands, we realize from time to time that no matter how old they are, it only takes 2 seconds for them to revert to being an absolute manchild. Ladies, don’t leave your men unattended in stores, with the kids, with the dog, or anywhere in the house. You never know what they’re going to do–and, most of the time, it’s groan-worthy.
74. We’re Adults And We Get To Decide What That Means: The Home Depot Edition
Reddit
73. There Was A Storm During The Eclipse So He Improvised
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72. During A 12 Hour Flight Delay My Boyfriend Wandered Off. When I Found Him He Was In The Middle Of A Pixar Movie Marathon With A Group Of 5-Year-Olds. He’s The One For Me
Reddit
71. Today My Boyfriend Bought A Label Maker
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70. My Buddy Wins Father’s Day Today. – “I Woke Up Today With A Missed Call From My Mom And About 15 Tags To Beat The Cheerio Stack Record. 10 Hours Later It Has Been Broken”
Reddit
69. My Father-In-Law Is A Contractor. This Is Him Installing A Mirror
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68. Had Sparklers At My Wedding Reception Last Night. I Think They Won Over My Father-In-Law
Reddit
67. He Really Wanted To Swim With His Turtle
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66. My Friend’s Dad Is In Boston Sightseeing Today
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65. When You Ask Your Husband To Pack Your Lunch
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64. While On My Computer My Boyfriend Walked Up Behind Me And Started Rubbing My Back. I Thought He Was Being Sweet, Then He Sent This Picture To My Phone
Most of us can share at least a handful of red flags we wished we’d noticed (or chosen to acknowledge) in a past relationship. However, because it’s 2018 and there’s already plenty of negativity in the world, Reddit asked its users to talk about green flags they saw in their significant other—things that made them realize “hey, this person isn’t a piece of human garbage”—and these are our favorite ones.
1.
Talking for 5 hours but only thinking the date lasted around 90 minutes
If you are introverted, if you hang out with them and it feels just like being alone. Like they don’t affect your “dealing with people” meter. You feel comfortable around them
A friend of mine hit it off in the car with her date that they ended up driving over two hours PAST their date destination. When conversation is that good, you’ve got a blaring green light! They’re married for around 15 years now.
The first time my now husband ever touched me it felt like I knew him a 1,000 years already. I don’t like being touched, and the instant comfort I got.. I knew I wasn’t just going after booty on this one.
When you find you’re comfortable enough with someone to open up about those parts of yourself that you’d normally be a little afraid to reveal – the insecurities, desires, dreams you hold inside yourself, and that you’re afraid of being mocked or criticized for. And then they react in a safe, supportive manner.
On my first date with the man who is now my fiance, we walked from our high school to a local restaurant and he insisted on walking on the side of the sidewalk that was closest to the road. In that moment he reminded me of my grandfather, who had recently passed, because when I was a small child my grandfather told me “A gentleman always walks closer to traffic than the lady.” It just gave me a really good feeling about him, that he was polite and a little bit old-fashioned.