relationship-problems Archives

9 Signs Your Man Isn’t Over His Baby Mama

It takes two people to make a child and they have to work together to raise it. But sometimes exes blur the lines and are involved in more than parenting. They’ve allegedly moved on, but in reality they’re still clinging to the past, to those days when they were in a relationship. And their behavior shows they’re not ready to let go.

If you’re involved with a guy who has a baby with another woman (his baby mama aka his BM) and you suspect he’s concerned about more than his you child, you may be right.

1. Excessive co-parenting.

Yes, parents need to discuss things: medical decisions, child care arrangements, grades and behavior. And there are some moments they want share with each other: the first step, first word, an award or an upcoming event. But be very aware when every move the baby mama makes requires input from your man. If she’s calling every time the child draws a picture or he has to rush over for every scrape, cut and whimper, there’s a problem. When people aren’t ready to let go they’ll often use children to stay in constant contact.

2. She plays the middle man.

Once a child reaches a certain age, there’s little for parents to talk about on a daily basis. Sure, your man may need to talk to his BM here and there. But for the most part, school-age children can communicate directly with their fathers, no middle man required. And at some point it becomes ridiculous for all calls to be routed through her. A father who really wants to stay in touch with his child should be willing to invest in a cellphone or landline. If not, you have to wonder: who does he really want to talk to?

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How Implementing ‘5×5’ Rule Will Actually Change Your F*cked Up Life

In your 20s and 30s, you’re going to go through a lot of changes and trials – it’s only natural. You’re growing up, you’re moving out, you’re falling in and out of love and you’re trying to find your place in this messed up place we call “the world.” Inevitably, you’re going to be faced with a lot of challenges that hit you in the face like a brick – they hurt, they’re painful and sometimes you have no idea how to deal with them. Recently, I’ve been going through most of these myself and, I’ve been dealing with them the absolute wrong way. Wrong, in the sense that the way in which I deal with them helps no one – especially myself.

My sister, who is way more experienced in life and chock-full of more wisdom than a fortune cookie, gave me some pretty solid advice after I ran to her apartment in tears over my latest f*ck up. After I had finally relaxed and vented my guts up, she told me about something called the “5×5 rule.”

If it’s not going to matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes upset about it.

Now, it may sound pretty cliché and “typical” for someone to give advice like this, and, it seems like a cheesy quote pulled from Pinterest (because it was), but, this rule is actually pretty damn effective if you apply it in the long run.

1. It will help you find perspective.

If you’re like me, you get emotional at the sight of a problem or argument in your life – with friends, family or relationships. I always get pretty upset in arguments with my boyfriend and my friends, so much so that it clouds my judgment and I act out. I say things I don’t mean, sometimes I do things I shouldn’t. If you think about the situation at hand and ask yourself “will this really matter to me later,” it can give you the perspective you need to chill out and just breathe.

2. There are better ways to handle things.

Instead of screaming or fighting with someone over something that may not be as big of a deal as you think, you can realize that this issue is something that can be easily worked out. Knowing it’s not a make-or-break problem can help you ease into a conversation, rather than having a blow-out fight.

3. Some things don’t deserve your attention.

Petty drama and stupid mishaps don’t require your attention. Know when things are “worth it” and things aren’t. And, if someone repeatedly does the same thing over and over again, know when you should do something about it.

4. You’ll realize the bigger problems much earlier on.

Once you implement the 5×5 rule, you’ll start seeing things a lot clearer – especially your problems. In whatever relationship, whether it’s a friendship or romantic relationship, you’ll know what problems are actually problems. And, when the time comes, you’ll know what needs to be done.

5. You’ll be a much happier person.

Overall, when you learn to manage your reactions to things, you’ll become a happier person. Long gone are the days when little things bothered you all of the time, you felt slighted or upset by other people and you were walking around with an angry cloud over your head. Instead, you’ll see things in the long-run and how the pettiness of today will not matter in 5 years, so why waste the now?

The Truth Is, It’s Not Your Fault He’s Not Ready To Commit His Heart To Yours

“Love cannot be measured by how long you wait; it’s about how well you understand why you’re waiting.” ~ Unknown

It has absolutely nothing to do with you. You haven’t done anything wrong, you just happened to be the one who has fallen in love with a man who’s not ready for love. He still has mountains he wants to conquer before he thinks he’s ready to love you back.

It wasn’t that you exposed too much of your heart, or that you kissed him too sweetly. You didn’t even scared him off or asked for too much.

My dear, the hardest thing to hear is that it’s not you at all. It’s him.

Love-readiness comes at different rates for men and women.

Women are taught to follow the call of their hearts and that the rest will work out later; men are taught to be stable providers for the families that they hope to someday have. It’s this ingrained thinking that we’ve internalized over this lifetime and taken on the burden and responsibility for.

The thing is that it won’t do any good trying to change him—or his mind—about such matters. The only choice you have to make is if you’re going to love him and stick with him until he’s ready. Or if you are ready to walk away for good and hope he finds love one day with someone new.

It’s easy to say if he truly wanted you, he would be with you now.

But we know that matters of the heart are seldom easy. Sometimes, we have to look at the reasons why he’s not ready—not from a place of our own wants or egos, but on his level, and in appreciation and admiration for the man that he is. That means if he doesn’t think he’s ready, then you have to support him if you truly love him.

Those who say that women should never wait around for a man have never really met a man worth waiting for.

I know you understand this, and perhaps your eyes started stinging with tears as you read a truth that you haven’t wanted to speak aloud.

The reality is that sometimes someone comes along and is so special and different that we fall in love without meaning to. Maybe we fell before either of us were ready—but if he is worth loving, then he is also worth waiting for.

There are no guarantees in this life.

If you find yourself having tried to move on from this man or rationalize why you shouldn’t wait for him by making light of his best qualities, then perhaps it’s time to finally admit that he’s not ready for love. Maybe the only thing you can do now is simply to wait.

But remember this—waiting doesn’t mean locking yourself away like Rapunzel in a tower high away from the world and everyone else. It only means you should dedicate yourself to your life and growth as much as he is currently doing.

Match his efforts in your own life—because darling, you’re not going to be ready for him unless you do just that.

It’s sometimes easier to see a break between chapters as the end of the story because who really wants to wait for what it is we most want. When it comes to matters of the heart, we usually want it right now. There is also truth to the statement that those things worth having the most are also worth the wait.

There is something so magnetizing about a man who wants to be better and do better.

He’s a man who wants to grow so that he will be your match when he finally steps toward you.

Stop thinking that just because he’s not next to you as you fall asleep that you’re not on his mind, because most likely you are. Don’t speculate when you send a message or call and there’s no response that it means he’s not interested because whether you receive a reply or not, he’s heard you and he’s taking it all in.

As women, we sometimes censor ourselves based on what we think a man can handle, or what we think he wants from us—yet, this is not how we find ourselves in love.

In order to be true to ourselves, that means we have to lead with our hearts.

We have to say those things that are on our minds, even if at times they seem impossible to speak. We have to honor what our heart feels, even if that means we are alone right now.

There is a big difference between a man that isn’t interested—and one who is just simply not ready.

The biggest mistake you can make is to try and replace him, thinking that the attention from just anyone will fill that hole you have in your heart that is waiting for him. It’s not a matter of if you can find someone else, but whether you trust yourself enough to wait on what you know you feel.

To wait is never an easy decision, and it’s one that has to be continually made because at times it seems it would be so much easier to just try and forget about this man who stole your heart—but easy doesn’t always mean it’s the right choice. The more you honor yourself, the more you honor your choices about your heart and who you love.

Maybe he’s never exactly asked you to wait—but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t make him sick to think of another man holding you close and kissing you.

You do have a choice though, you always have a choice.

Sometimes it really comes down to whether you love him enough to wait—because he cares for you enough to want to be the best man that he can be when he finally shows you his heart. It may not be easy, and a happy ending is not guaranteed.

If you do truly love him—then how could you ever be with anyone else anyway?