Because You Left, My Son and I Can Thrive

The day you left us, you didn’t leave us behind. You left us ahead, and I’ll tell you why.

Because the day you left us, I thought my life was over. It hurt so much because I thought I loved you. But more importantly, I thought you loved us.

The day you left us, I had no idea what I was supposed to do. 18, pregnant, and clueless. For awhile I thought I needed you. I thought that I couldn’t raise a human being by myself. I had no faith in my strength. But, when your communication got weaker, I got stronger.

I started to realize that I didn’t need you and neither did he.

When your communication stopped completely, I had already given up on you. Giving up was the hardest decision of my life. Not because it was a decision I was making for myself, but for the life I was carrying inside of me.

How do you decide when to cut an (incompetent) father out of your child’s life? For me, it was when you decided you no longer wanted to be a father, and proved so with your actions.

As I went through the remainder of my child bearing journey alone, I got stronger. Every day I didn’t hear from you, I got stronger.

But the day I became aware of the strength I had acquired without you, was the day our son was born. That day, he became MY son. When I held MY son for the first time, I knew, in that moment, we were all we needed.

Of course that day you were nowhere to be found and quite frankly, I didn’t even notice. That day, I met the true love of my life and his name is Emmett. That day, I created an unbreakable bond with MY son. Since then, we’ve been unstoppable.

And all without you.

The day you left, you gave me the opportunity to find myself. You gave me the opportunity to be the one he admires. You gave me the opportunity to take credit for all of his accomplishments. You gave me the opportunity to receive every ounce of his love and laughter. He won’t ever thank you for anything, but he will thank me for it all.

You gave me the the most extraordinary bond with MY son. And for that I thank you.

The day you left, you gave my son the opportunity to grow up without you. For the longest time, I didn’t think that was something to be thankful for. But now, he won’t have the chance to be broken by you.

He won’t have the chance to learn from you. He won’t have the chance to grow up and be like you. You gave him the opportunity to be a million times the man you ever dreamed of being. And for that I thank you.

The day you left, you gave us the opportunity to prosper in life far past your ability.

The day you left, you did not leave us behind, you left us ahead. Because without you, we can now conquer the world.

“…and then there were two.”

Sincerely, The Fed Up Mom

Today’s society is full of how to be’s and how not to be’s. Especially when it comes to being a mom. But guess what? I don’t give a damn about your opinion.

When I first had my daughter, everyone was ecstatic and so extremely supportive. But as she got older, that excitement died down and that support turned into criticism. Suddenly instead of hearing, “You’re doing a great job, Mom!” I heard, “Wow, you’re a mom now.. You’re really getting that car?” “Don’t you think you should be finding a career? Finding a good man & settling down?” No. No I don’t.

The thing is, my daughter’s wellbeing has and always will be looked afterward. I don’t need a great huge house, with a rich husband and another child on the way because, “She needs siblings!” in order to be a good mom. I’m done listening to people express their opinions so forwardly, even after I decline their suggestions. I am her mom. I know what’s good for her. I know what she needs. Tell me, were you there during her first days on this world? Better yet, did you carry her in your womb? Learn what makes her move, what food she likes, etc.? NO.

Stop going amuck with your assumption and judgements. Stop preaching. I appreciate the advice, finger pointing and extremely judgmental criticism, however my daughter and I will be fine with or without your concern. Don’t tell me how to be a mother, ESPECIALLY if you aren’t a parent yourself.

Kindly take your opinions and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

Sincerely,

The Fed Up Mom.

The Truth Behind Having PTSD After an Abusive Relationship

I didn’t realize it right away. It took me months after I left my marriage to realize that I have PTSD.

My therapist was the one who made me come to terms with it. I’m thinking “I can’t have that, that’s for the men and women who have served our country and been traumatized by the experiences they endured.”

Boy, was I wrong. Not saying war victims don’t have PTSD but victims of abuse can experience it too.

As I started thinking about what my therapist said she gave me a packet to read all about PTSD in abusive relationships.

The nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, insomnia, social isolation, irritability, agitation, fear, mistrust, emotional detachment and unwanted thoughts. Are all symptoms I have experienced but I thought it was just because of the divorce I was going through.

The triggers are another thing. I could be going about my day just fine and BAM.

A smell, a place, a certain date, a thought from the past and my mind goes into a whirlwind.

 

I freeze. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or where I’m at, I freeze. My mood changes, my demeanor changes and this can last for hours,  even days.

 

If you are reading this and find yourself realizing some or all of these symptoms apply to you or someone you know, GET OUT and urge the one that you love that seem to have similar symptoms to get out also.

I know it’s easier said than done.  I was in this relationship that turned into a toxic marriage altogether for 9 years.

 

His drug addiction didn’t help matters, just amplified his inconsistent moods.

 

My push to leave was my beautiful baby girl. Who is now a smart, adorable, thriving 14-month-old. She is my savior.

 

I can’t imagine being where I was 8 months ago and having to watch her watch her daddy treat her mommy with such hate and disrespect.

My divorce will be final December 13th.

 

One day I will get better. It might take months, it might take years but I will get through it.

I have a daughter to raise and I refuse to let him make me weak anymore.

 

I also have a great support system between my family, friends, and coworkers who I consider family. They have made the hardest time in my life more bearable.

 

I hope I have helped at least one person by writing this because then I know I did my job.

 

YOU deserve better. YOU are none of those awful things they say you are.

Please get out while you can,  especially if children are involved. Abuse is bad enough, but add PTSD to the mix and you have a long road to recovery,  but you can do it.

I’m by no means better but I’m better than I was 8 months ago.

Time heals all wounds but the first step is walking away and not turning back.

God bless you.

To the Strong Girls Growing up with a Single Mom

Dear daughter,

I am sorry you got stuck with a single mom.

Love, Me.

No really, there are nights I want to go into your room when you’re asleep and whisper into your ear, “I’m sorry”.

You see, ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be a mom. And boy, was I going to be amazing at it!

I was going to be the mom who was up early and made you a healthy big breakfast to start your day off right, packed a nutritious lunch with the cheesy note slipped inside, picked you up from school, where I helped you with your homework, and we made dinner together, and afterwards we all sat on the couch watching a movie and laughing eating the homemade dessert I made earlier that day, then I’d tuck you into bed.

 

To The Man Who Loves Me… and My Kids

Dear You,

 

Yes, you. That beautiful man I get to call mine. I wanted to start off by thanking you. You didn’t have to choose me, but more importantly, you didn’t have to choose them.

 

Quite honestly if you didn’t choose them you wouldn’t have me because, they are me. They’re 1/2 of me. They are tiny little humans that I brought into this world to raise up.

 

After their dad, I was determined to do it on my own. Until I met you….

 

You caught me off guard. At that point in time I was so ready to give up on love and happiness with another person.

 

Two crappy relationships in one year? How could I open up again.

 

You made it so easy. And again I will forever thank you for that.

 

7 Ways That Being Raised By a Single Parent Has Benefited You

One of your parents was absent growing up. It is not a typical situation, but it has shaped, and benefited you in so many ways:

 

1. You learned the art of forgiveness at a young age.

It would have been easy to harbor dislike, hatred, or anger for the absent parent. Over the years, you have learned to fill that gap, and forgive this parent no matter what the reason behind their neglect was. At a young age you needed to learn to move on and let go of any hatred or anger.

 

2. You and your single parent are extremely close.

You, and your single parent supported one another through the years. You had a mutually constitutive relationship, and can confide, as well as support one another. Therefore, you are closer with your mother, or father than most people are.

 

3. You learned about hard work earlier than most people.

Single parents do all of the work that would normally be suitable for two people. While raising children, they also bring in most of the household income, and hopefully still manage a social life. Single parents are warriors; they work hard to raise their children alone. Therefore, you will never become lazy, and entitled. You were raised watching your parent break their back to get things done.

4. You were never that young girl who easily gave her heart away, and ended up heart broken. 

You didn’t grow up with married parents, and as a child you never believed in the happily ever after Disney theme. You were never a stranger to divorce, or the mishaps that take place in relationships. You never had to learn this lesson first hand like most people did; you were already educated, and prepared. You are even a bit guarded, and skeptical about marriage and the whole soulmate thing.

 

Mommy Advice: 5 Things to Remember When the Days Seem to Drag On

 

The Day In The Life Of A Single Mom

 

Every second of my day seems to drag on. 

I stare at the clock on the wall watching it tick as I pray it miraculously thrusts forward so I can go home. When the time finally comes for me to pack up and get going, I’m instantly stressed.

I rush over to the nannies and pick up the kids, rush back home unpack the car of what I feel like grabbing, yet leave the rest in a complete disarray.

 

I unpack the kiddos and rush them inside, hoping that for a second I can breathe before I have to finish cleaning the half destroyed living room I tried to clean the night before.

 

I look in the kitchen, no break. There’s dishes to be done, mouths to feed and kids to love, it always seems as though when I’m home, the days are short.

 

This is the life I live, the life of a single mom of two.

There are things that I’ve learned on this journey. Valuable lessons that I couldn’t get from anywhere else…

It Takes A Real Man To Win The Heart Of A Single Mom

Dating is hard, so dating a single mom comes with additional challenges that only a real big-hearted man will be able to overcome. The good thing is that if you put in the work, you’ll realize that dating a single mom is extremely fulfilling.

Single moms are straight up badasses. A single mom has her priorities straight and knows exactly what she wants and needs in her life.

She doesn’t want to waste her time simply because she doesn’t have much of it, to begin with. And when she does, she won’t be with someone who’s not willing to put in the effort. The bottom line is, she’ll share her precious time with someone who is willing to be as committed as she can be if you’re right for her.

She has to be picky about the person she chooses to date because she needs to think about her little one too. She knows that every decision she makes might directly or indirectly affect her child. She’s really good at keeping her priorities straight, so consider yourself lucky if she decides to give you the time a day.

 

A Single Mom has a Heart of Gold, Don’t Take Advantage of It

Single moms are some of the most empathetic and giving women around. They know the struggle and are willing to help out whenever possible. Please stop taking advantage of a single mom’s heart of gold.

 

If you are short on a bill, she will help you out, because she knows how hard it is to make ends meet.

 

If you need a babysitter, she will say yes, because she knows how hard it is to find someone at the last minute.

Being Single With a Monogamous Mind

You’ve got that old-school way of thinking when it comes to dating. You believe in one person at a time and that chivalry isn’t dead. You want marriage and children and a happy home.

You want the one person on your mind to be the only person you want to cuddle with and take care of you when you are feeling down and out. But being single today and trying to find someone who’s thinking aligns with yours, is nearly impossible.

Which can bring along a lot of loneliness and heartbreak.

You want to believe that he is only talking to you. That you have his full attention. That while trying to figure out if this relationship is going to advance any further, there isn’t another girl trying to figure out the same thing.

And because of that thinking, you are still shocked when all of a sudden he has a girlfriend. Normally without telling you.

This may lead to over thinking everything that went on between you two; “was I too nervous on that date?”, “did I not open up quick enough?”, “what made him pick her over me?”

You wonder if you should text them, but it’s not like you’d know what to say anyways. Or maybe if you just wait they will text you. But that never happens.

Then things get a little uncomfortable whenever you are out and bump into them. He tries to act like nothing happened or nothing is wrong when all you need is a little space.

In the end, your friends convince you he wasn’t right for you, you find a way to move on and sometimes you find a way to be their friend.

After a situation like this, you may think about changing your ways. Trying the multiple-guys-at-one-time way of dating and talking. But let’s be real, that sounds like an awful lot of work.

Texting one guy has you questioning what to say, and the thought of going on multiple dates with different people sounds like too much for you to handle.

And for anything beyond that, you don’t even understand the appeal of one night stands and those apps that tend to promote such actions.

You appreciate them for people who just want that type of relationship right now and you can see why they could be fun, but most likely you will not be found on one; unless “monogamy” works well as a bio.

You’ll stick with fate and hope that it brings someone to you. Or trust your family and friends, again, to set you up with that guy they know. Even though you’ve told them a million times to knock it off with the matchmaking.

Honestly, you’ve already succumbed to the idea of becoming a cat lady. You’ve even started picking out names for your future furbabies.

And while some may have a backup potential marriage candidate for when they are 35, you’ve come to an agreement with your best friend that instead you two would just buy a house together, adopt a lot of cats and drink a glass (or two) of wine every night without judgment.

Maybe then you will join one of those hookup apps to fulfill other desires. Which would practically be the only thing missing from this arrangement.

Maybe then you’d stop feeling like Charlie from that movie Good Luck Chuck. “One date with me and two weeks later you’ll have a girlfriend!” Is essentially the slogan about your dating life. Not exactly what you would like it to be.

Despite it all, you know deep down you will find the one who you are meant to be with.

Changing what you believe in and what you want will not make you happier or help you find that special someone quicker. It takes time, but it will most definitely pay off in the end.

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