How The Show “You” Sheds Light on Unhealthy Relationships

“You,” a book-turned-TV series, has quickly become a favorite Netflix thriller. Originally created by Caroline Kepnes, the TV show adaptation stars Penn Badgley, Elizabeth Lail, Shay Mitchell, John Stamos, and many other iconic actors. The many plotlines are expertly portrayed and surround real-life issues. Things like drug use, abuse, codependent relationships, sexual harassment, and grief and loss make up a good number of the plots created.

When it comes to abusive relationships, “You” covers many versions of abuse. The main character, Joe Goldberg, is connected to other characters dealing with physical, emotional, and mental abuse. One, in particular, is the relationship between his neighbors Ron and Claudia, and their young son, Paco.

This relationship perfectly encompasses what it’s like being stuck in an intensely abusive relationship where a person is too fearful to leave.

Having been in a situation like this, myself, I was able to relate (to an extent) to Claudia. She is in a relationship with an abusive, alcoholic man named Ron. He provides financial stability for the family which is why Claudia feels like she can never leave the relationship. Despite being abused, she’s afraid that if she leaves Ron, she’ll lose custody of her son. It is later shown that Claudia is an addict and uses after Ron is abusive.

Let’s get this straight: no matter the situation, getting out of a relationship like this is the hardest, yet healthiest move a person can make.

How often can we relate or know someone who can relate to this? Unfortunately, more than we’d like. Not only does Claudia suffer, but Paco suffers, as well. Not even in his teens yet, Paco is forced to live with the abuse that his mom lives with. We get to know Paco when we see him sitting outside his door while Ron and Claudia scream at each other. Joe finds him after he gets home from work and takes him under his wing by giving him food and books to help him through. In that sense, we can find ourselves falling in love with that side of Joe.

Not only does the show portray a person trapped in abuse, it shows how it affects others that are indirectly affected, as well.

Another unhealthy relationship shown is that of two other characters: Beck and Peach Salinger. Beck is the main character that Joe falls in love with, and Peach Salinger is a daughter of an old-money-rich founding family in the area. Peach has everything in life… Money, fame, social status. But she is also in love with Beck, which is a no-no in her family.

Thus begins the abusive relationship between the two women.

Peach needs to get attention from Beck by any means necessary which means spoiling her with things like trips to Paris, expensive clothes, and lavish parties. She even loans Beck money when she needs it. At first glance, these seem like great things.

However, the thought and emotion behind them reek of toxic codependency.

As the story progresses, Joe tries to shed light on the issues that he sees in Peach that Beck doesn’t… Like how Peach stores hundreds of pictures of Beck on her laptop, follows her around, watches her bathe, and many other privacy-violating things. When Peach doesn’t get the attention from Beck that she needs, she’d fake illnesses and phony suicide attempts.

Let’s get another thing straight: faking these types of things to get attention is point-blank unacceptable.

Another abusive relationship in “You” is the relationship between Joe and his ex-girlfriend, Candace. Candace was an ex that cheated on Joe and then mysteriously disappeared after he found out. There are people who assume that Candace is dead, specifically that Joe killed her. We see at the end of season one and through season two that she is very much alive and has come to make Joe’s life hell.

Talk about a toxic ex.

The fact that Candace is out for blood – quite literally – shows just how harmful revenge in a past relationship can be. If broken up in a healthy way, a person should not feel the need for revenge, let alone let it totally dictate their life.

Finally, we have one of the most toxic relationships of all: Joe and his father figure.

Although we don’t necessarily see this in the first season, the second season of the show talks about Joe’s childhood and the mess that it was. He had abusive and neglectful parents and ended up in the care of Mr. Mooney, the man who ran the bookstore before Joe. We see flashbacks in Joe’s mind of his childhood, starting with the physical and emotional abuse that Mr. Mooney showed Joe.

He locked him in a glass box as punishment which is where all of Joe’s craziness got its beginning.

Because of Mr. Mooney, Joe has the glass box that he then kills people in. He was conditioned, in a way, to think and act the way that he does because that’s all he knew. Imagine someone in a parental figure teaching you these things and even punishing you with them? Daddy and mommy dearest aren’t in the picture and never have been.

In the end, “You” expertly portrays the flaws that relationships can hold.

This isn’t to say that the show normalizes it, because it doesn’t. What it does is show these qualities in ways that we are unfortunately able to understand and even relate to. It even sheds light on how often this happens all around us.

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About The Author

Emmie Pombo is a latte and tattoo-loving Tennessean who specializes in mental health and beauty writing. She holds a degree in Journalism and a certification in Makeup Artistry and Airbrushing. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

This is How Being in a Narcissistic Relationship Caused My Anxiety Disorder

Narcissists cling to those who have big hearts because they can tolerate a great deal of subliminal abuse. But it’s only so long until they finally realize the damage being inflicted on them and build up the courage to walk away. It’s a process we’ve seen play out over and over, but what no one seems to realize is the impact narcissistic abuse can have on your mental health post-relationship. Your mental health deteriorates even after you free yourself from a narcissistic relationship. I know this first hand because the truth is, being in a relationship with a narcissist was cause for my anxiety disorder.

It all started with the verbal abuse sinking deeper and deeper into my system.

The awful things my narcissistic ex-said about me echoed in my mind so often that they slowly became my reality. I felt like I was nothing without him, I thought I was too sensitive, I overreacted too much, I thought everyone hated me and honestly, I started to hate myself. I lost touch with family members, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I had completely and totally isolated myself without even realizing it. And it’s all because his narcissistic abuse convinced me to do so. I was alone and trapped in this world where I had absolutely no control over the things that happened to me… I was terrified and frozen.

10 Signs You’re Way Too Good For The Person You’re Dating

Your friends tell you, your parents tell you—sh*t, even their friends say something to you about it. There comes a time in some relationships where everyone starts telling you that you’re way too good for the person you’re dating. While I’m never one to say that you should believe when people tell you things about your relationship when they’re not involved in it—there are some key moments in your life where people are doing you more good than harm. If you’re constantly fighting with yourself to decide if the person you are with is “good” for you, there may be a bigger picture problem that you’re ignoring completely.

 

If you’re the one who is constantly going out of your way, giving 100% when they give maybe 45%, the one reaching out, the one making plans, the one who calls/texts first – there could be a very, very big reason. You may just be too good for the person you’re currently dating.

 

1. The people who know you best think you deserve better.

While you may not want to believe everything other people say about your own, personal life – the people who know you best are only going to want what’s best for you. If they’re telling you that you deserve better, finding reasons for you to leave the person you’re with – there could be a very good reason for it. They want you to be happy and also want you to be treated the way in which you deserve. Maybe you need to wake up and smell the coffee of the reality of things, no matter how much you love someone, they may not be the best person for you.

 

 

2. The person you’re with is jealous, insecure or always picking fights.

If you’re the type of person who allows your significant other to have freedom and independence, but they don’t reciprocate, it’s a big red flag. Jealousy and insecurity at times can be something to manage and work on in a relationship, but if someone is unwilling to change, you can’t force them. You can’t be allowing someone to have their freedom but be forbidden to do things, say things or wear things that you want at someone else’s expense. Don’t let someone stomp all over you, who you are and what you bring to the table.

 

You’re Still My Favorite Yet Most Painful Memory to Think About

Every morning you wake up and you have to remind yourself of a few things;  remind yourself he chose her, remind yourself he’s not the guy you fell in love with anymore, remind yourself of the pain he caused when he completely shattered your heart and left you there to gather up all the broken pieces and fit them together again.

The memories come to you in waves, slowly at first making it hard to breathe and then all at once they pull you under the surface, engulfing you in them.

 Or at least that’s what it feels like. Heartbreak is messy.

It starts with staying up all night crying yourself endless rivers of tears, just to fall asleep and dream of him, locked in a constant nightmare.  It’s breaking down at three in the afternoon because you heard that song, the one he told you reminded him of you two. It’s not eating because the thought of food just makes you want to literally get sick.  It’s watching a movie and seeing something you so desperately want to tell him then remembering you can’t.  It’s remembering he isn’t your best friend anymore.

10 Things Your Toxic Love Taught Me

Love is complicated, but in the most simplistic way that it is almost incomprehensible. Here are ten things your toxic love taught me.

1. It should be easy.

I always thought I had to work for you to love me…That’s not the true love is something that you give to another person freely without conditions or double standards. You love them simply for who they are nothing less, nothing more.

2. Sacrifice & compromise is a two-way street.

I gave up everything to be with you, I compromised on my family and friends, sacrificed my dreams for your own dreams to be able to come true.

We make sacrifices for the greater good of our relationships. Not for your own selfish agenda.If you both don’t benefit from the choices you make then no one does.  You compromise to show compassion not to hold it against them later. there can’t always be a winner and a loser in love.

3. Controlling isn’t protecting.

I use to think how wonderful it was that you would watch out for me all of the time until I realized that you were controlling every aspect of my life.

It is one thing to worry about your significant other and want to protect them from harm, it’s another to decide which friends are good enough for them, how late they can stay out or even what they have on their phone.

If you love someone you let them be free, you are there to observe and support not to regulate and enforce.

4. No one is sunshine and rainbows.

When I had a bad day I never wanted to come home and tell you about it because you always made me feel stupid for feeling upset.

Love someone at their worst. There are going to be times that everyone struggles internally and externally. sometimes the only thing they need to know is that you are going to be there for them and that everything is going to work out in the end.

Everyone’s feelings are valid even if you don’t understand them.  As long as you stand by their side there is nothing you can’t do together.

5. The past is the past.

Everyone is someone else’s EX. I loved someone before you, and you punished me for it. If you can’t let go of someone past or even your own, you will never have a future together.

Live for today, and tomorrow doesn’t let yesterday’s worries or insecurities shape your happiness in the future. You can’t go back all you can do is learn from it and move on.

6. Sex is important.

You cheated on me, and your biggest excuse is that you were bored… Sex is half the game people and if you think it’s not then you are naïve because no one walks across the room to hit on you because they can tell how hot your mind is.

It is okay to have your own sexual prerogative to play and have fun and experiment, but communication is key. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about your sexual want and needs or even fantasies with your person then you might as well not get naked at all because bad sex is worse than no sex. Trust in that.

7. I’m not calling you a liar, but you better not lie to me.

You hid so much from me that in the end, I had no idea who you were.  Hiding something is the same thing as lying.

If you can’t tell the person you love the truth then you should probably rethink what your version of the truth is.  Nothing can damage a relationship more than getting caught in a lie no matter how small or how big nothing beats the truth.

8. The little things.

It was the little things that meant the most to me.  Sometimes it’s the little things that really matter in the end. Never forget to ask how someone’s day went, or to take the time to say how proud you are of them.  One small gesture can change everything. It’s remembering to pick up milk from the store or holding the door open.  All the little things add up in the end.

9. Hold yourself accountable.

it was always easy for you to blame me for your unhappiness or failures but the truth was you are the only one that is responsible for you.

Be accountable for how you show up in your relationship.  If you don’t put an effort in then you can’t blame the other person for their lack of.

You create your own reality and if you are having problems it’s a good chance that you are to blame, hold yourself responsible for the energy you put out in the world whether you’re at work or home or in anything you set out to do. Be there and be accountable.

10. Love Yourself First.

I never loved myself I only loved you and that was the biggest mistake I made I lost who I was to love and please you.

How can you even have a concept of how someone else wants to be loved if you don’t love yourself? Be kind to yourself, you are only human and no one is perfect.

Never give up on your own personal growth to please someone else. but if you can’t love your imperfections and be proud then no one else will either.

I’m Not A Convenience Store, You Just Can’t Come And Go As You Please

It feels like I’m stuck in this maze that has so many different routes that I just keep spinning in circles with no way out. Except you’re in this maze as well and every once in a while we meet up and it all makes sense, until the next thing you know, you’re walking away and I’m left alone again.

Just when I think that I’m making leeway on my own, we gravitate back to each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few hours, days or weeks my heart automatically opens back up for you. It’s the worst kind of torture knowing that it isn’t going to last.

You know how I feel about you; hell I even took a chance and told you that I loved you. It was a risk I was willing to take, though my heart about beat out of my chest.

There’s no question on my feelings for you, however, when we turned the tables I was constantly trying to solve the complicated equation of how you felt about me.

Most of the time I think you’re a good guy, and there’s this small shimmer of hope in me that doesn’t want to let go of the fact you may actually care about me more than you let on.

But you don’t because if you actually cared for me as much as you said you did, you never would of broke up with me in the first place to just string me along whenever you decided it was convenient to you. You wouldn’t continue treating me the way you do, because you know how much it hurts me.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t find myself waking up at 3 am thinking about you, tears filling up in my eyes. I can’t let my heart skip a beat when my phone goes off, because I never know if it’s going to be you. I can’t keep thinking I’m crazy or losing my mind for loving a guy who runs from something that could be such a great thing.

Better yet, I refuse to do it anymore. I’m not the girl that gets taken advantage of time after time, whose heart is drug through the sand.

I’m the girl that loves with her entire heart and gives more effort than you deserve. I require commitment because you should respect me and know my value.  I’m the girl who refuses to believe that fairy-tales only exist in storybooks.

I bring too much to the table to be someone’s sometime girl. I deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to let love into their heart, who isn’t afraid to speak their true feelings and one that is going to let someone know what they actually mean to them instead of beating around the bush.

I had hoped that I could have had this with you and that we could have lasted throughout all the odds. Even after you broke my heart, I wanted my friends to be wrong about you. My mind told me to run, you’re too smart for this, but my heart fought back. Hope really is one of the saddest words out there, because when deep down you know things aren’t going to change, it keeps you holding on.

I tried tricking my head into thinking that the next time would be different, that I wouldn’t end up leaving the next day more confused and hurt as before. We wouldn’t be arguing through text messages or telling each other we couldn’t do this anymore.

I could only have my kindness taken advantage of for so long until I snapped. You can only push a loyal girl so far before she gives up, and I absolutely hate giving up, you for one know how competitive I am and mostly, I hated giving up on you.

I do love you, despite what you think, whether you deserve that or not is to be left in the area that’s painted grey. If I had been given any sign that you could change your ways, I probably would have stayed. However, I can’t keep crying and feeling like I did something wrong to deserve this.

My friends can’t keep trying to cheer me up, reassuring me that I’m perfectly fine and that I don’t deserve to be treated the way you treat me and that you’re just a scared douchebag that can’t get it together.

I fully believe that people come in and out of your life when they’re supposed to, even if it doesn’t make sense at the time.

I left you with my heart sinking into my stomach, tears streaming down my face, with a final goodbye. I’m not strong enough all the time to stay away; I try so hard but I’m only human, so if I cave I need you to not respond.

I need you to do what you do best, push me away. 

Don’t give in unless you’re ready to be the one I need. Until you’re ready to give me the love and respect that I deserve and not the runaround of excuses of why we can’t be together.

I’ll get stronger as the days go on, and there will be a time where I don’t want you anymore. One day though, I hope this realization comes over you, some kind of life-altering halt that you pushed away from the girl you needed in your life more than you wanted to admit.

That unlike the convenience stores where you can find anything you want whenever you need it, the realization will hit you that the one thing you really want and need won’t conveniently be sitting on a shelf at your disposal.

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This Is How You Know You’re Most Definitely Dealing With A Narcissist

Have you ever had someone in your life that said or did absolutely disgusting things to you? Have they ever made up such bullshit stories that you knew were lies but in their mind, it was the absolute truth? You’re dealing with a Narcissist.

Narcissism the actual definition of narcissism is: the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s own attributes.

Narcissists are master manipulators. They cannot distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality.

Have you ever met a narcissist? Are you with one now? If you’re not sure, I’m going to give you 5 easy ways to spot one and then provide secret confessions from actual people that are dealing or have dealt with narcs.

1. They LOVE to talk about themselves.

Every conversation the two of you will have centers around them. You’ll never be able to get a word in, and if you do, but it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

2. They don’t know what the hell boundaries are.

 they completely disregard other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Narcs overstep and use others without consideration or sensitivity. They borrow items or money without returning – so good luck EVER getting anything back. They’re notorious for breaking promises and obligation, they show little to no remorse and blame the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

3. They think they’re entitled to EVERYTHING.

They expect everyone to cater to their needs and demands, without doing anything in return. Selfish assholes.

4. They’re master charmers.

they like to make the supply feel special and wanted but to their own gratification. They don’t do it because they’re genuinely interested in the person, it’s to make sure that once they have their hooks in you and their true colors show, you’re not able to leave them. Love bombing to the max.

5. They always put the blame for their failures on everyone else.

Come on dude, we know it’s YOUR fault. It’s not someone else’s fault that you failed school, lost a job, your relationship ended, or any of that shit. It’s all YOU. You are the reason your life sucks.

Aren’t narcs fun? If you were planning on saying the opposite of no, then please take your face and smash it into the nearest desk or wall because NO narcs are not fun. That was a rhetorical question.

Below are secret confessions from people that have dealt or are currently dealing with narcs.

  • He told me that “I bet your teachers at school must really hate working for you. You are probably really difficult to work for. You should probably start exercising and trying to tone.” And when I lost twins; miscarried one and then 6 weeks later the second one: “you knew this was coming. I don’t know why you are upset.” 
  • He told me that I deserved to be raped by my ex because I refused sex. 
  • He told me by text that he had been to the doctors and they told him he had weeks to live with kidney cancer!!! I work on a ward full of palliative patients!!! I knew a general practitioner could not give a diagnosis like that at a first appt because they would need blood tests and hospital appts!!!!
  • He told me that I should seek therapy, for issues between my mom and I were the cause for our problems (which my mom and I have no issues), to make me feel like I was the cause of our lack of intimacy, while she was leading a double life with a coworker!  
  • He told me that I’m a freak for suffering child abuse. 
  • He said he was single when in actual fact he was engaged. What kind of a sick prick cheats on his fiancé for ten months out of their engagement??? 
  • He said he had a brain tumor!! Seriously…. he looked healthy, and always drank alcohol. Got 2 be kidding me. 
  • He told me that he hasn’t cheated on me, that he hated me more than he loved our daughter, & that loving me sucked. 
  • He told me that I was worthless, replaceable, used up and a whore. He told me that he was going to make sure that I got my son taken from me because he hates me that much – I have no record. I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t do anything except work and go home to my son. 
  • Mine told me that he cheated on me the entire time we were together, took multiple girls’ virginities and that I was a dumbass for not being able to see it….yet he claims I cheated on him. 
  • He said he never really loved me. He was only with me for my money. 
  • He told me that he sold his food stamps to his mother to pay for his child support.
  • Nothing a narcissist says is true. Their entire life is built upon lies and being frauds. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a “little” lie, it’s still a lie.
  • When you finally learn how to stand up to the abuser, they are so quick to turn the tables and cry, the victim. Always remember, they are not the victim. They created all of the hurt, the lies, the betrayal, etc. There can’t be victims of the circumstances THEY created.

Being emotional, psychologically, mentally, or physically abused is NEVER okay and no one deserves it.

If You Keep Forgiving Him And He Doesn’t Change, This Is For You

There’s no easy breakup and nobody wants to go through it unless it’s necessary, especially when we’ve been so invested in the relationship.

I tried absolutely everything to never experience the end.

The truth is, there comes a point where enough is enough. You shouldn’t keep fighting for someone who’s not learning from past mistakes and is comfortable being less than what you truly deserve.

You might conjure up every possible rationalization for his lack of effort to continue staying with him, but nothing can change the fact that he’s not going to change.

The relationship won’t change. It’s over and the best thing for you to do is walk away and move on.

Yes, It’s hard to admit that no matter how much you loved this person, it didn’t seem to be enough for him to love you back. He had endless chances to do the right thing, to change his ways and be fair to you and the relationship, but he didn’t.

You even took some of the responsibility because you didn’t want to seem pushy or overly dramatic.

You catered to his needs because you thought that your unconditional love would change him. He was worth trying your hardest to make things work, at least that’s what you thought.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you were patient, kind and understanding.

The thing is, the relationship might have been doomed from the beginning.

He is who he is, who he wants to always be and he never had the intention to change. You loved this person so much, you became blind to all the signs that were clearly telling you that he was going to step all over your heart. Unfortunately, he was never going to be the one for you.

You were in love with the idea of him, you were not in love with him.

So, everything that you think you’re missing about him is not real. The truth is, he couldn’t possibly be the man of your dreams if he didn’t measure up to your ideal.

He didn’t appreciate you, so he didn’t treat you with the loyalty and respect that you deserve. So, when you think of him, remember that he was never capable of changing. He was never going to be able to be the person that was going to make you feel whole.

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To the Guy Too Afraid to Commit, Don’t Break Her in the Process

Your selflessness, insensitivity and lack of heart trampled all over her feelings for you.

All because you didn’t know how to receive her love. The shame and loss should feel heavy on your heart because you know you loved her too but it was too much to handle.  And instead of fighting for love, and doing your best to accept your feelings towards her, you cowardly decided that it was best to shatter her heart to a million pieces.

Love is not supposed to hurt but you hurt her deeply.

You couldn’t give her your one hundred percent all because your mind was weak, you feared commitment and made her suffered for your own lack of will and strength to fight for her.

I don’t think you realize how much you’ve given up.

She was loving and willing to give you everything that you deserved and some more. Because she was undeniably what your heart and soul needed. She was the girl capable of putting a smile on your face when you felt worthless. She was the one to see your worth when you didn’t and push you forward when you needed it the most.

Sweetheart, Dry Your Eyes He Doesn’t Deserve Your Tears

Heartache

I have learned a few things over the years about heartaches but two words can summarize all of it.

They suck.

You cry and sob and you break your own heart with each deep breath you try and force out. You call your best friends no matter the time of the day and their hearts hurt for you. They can ask you the same general questions over and over again, they can ask you what they can do to help and if you’re okay.

It’s easy to put two and two together and figure out who’s causing you this pain, the boy who doesn’t deserve the tears streaming down your face.

It’s a constant cycle of one moment crying until there isn’t anything left, to dragging yourself sorrowfully through the day only to turn around once your head hits your pillow to watch the tears come streaming down again.

 

You are stronger than this.

You are stronger than he is. You’re too smart to be so upset over him. You’ve pushed through the hardest days of your life and you are still going. You will wake up tomorrow and keep going just as you have been.

You’ve let the tears fall, you’ve eaten all the ice cream, you’ve cried to your friends and you’ve asked yourself “Why” a million and two times. Eventually you have to break the cycle. You aren’t ever going to hear the answers you are looking for. Nothing is going to make this any simpler.

 

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