How The Show “You” Sheds Light on Unhealthy Relationships

“You,” a book-turned-TV series, has quickly become a favorite Netflix thriller. Originally created by Caroline Kepnes, the TV show adaptation stars Penn Badgley, Elizabeth Lail, Shay Mitchell, John Stamos, and many other iconic actors. The many plotlines are expertly portrayed and surround real-life issues. Things like drug use, abuse, codependent relationships, sexual harassment, and grief and loss make up a good number of the plots created.

When it comes to abusive relationships, “You” covers many versions of abuse. The main character, Joe Goldberg, is connected to other characters dealing with physical, emotional, and mental abuse. One, in particular, is the relationship between his neighbors Ron and Claudia, and their young son, Paco.

This relationship perfectly encompasses what it’s like being stuck in an intensely abusive relationship where a person is too fearful to leave.

Having been in a situation like this, myself, I was able to relate (to an extent) to Claudia. She is in a relationship with an abusive, alcoholic man named Ron. He provides financial stability for the family which is why Claudia feels like she can never leave the relationship. Despite being abused, she’s afraid that if she leaves Ron, she’ll lose custody of her son. It is later shown that Claudia is an addict and uses after Ron is abusive.

Let’s get this straight: no matter the situation, getting out of a relationship like this is the hardest, yet healthiest move a person can make.

How often can we relate or know someone who can relate to this? Unfortunately, more than we’d like. Not only does Claudia suffer, but Paco suffers, as well. Not even in his teens yet, Paco is forced to live with the abuse that his mom lives with. We get to know Paco when we see him sitting outside his door while Ron and Claudia scream at each other. Joe finds him after he gets home from work and takes him under his wing by giving him food and books to help him through. In that sense, we can find ourselves falling in love with that side of Joe.

Not only does the show portray a person trapped in abuse, it shows how it affects others that are indirectly affected, as well.

Another unhealthy relationship shown is that of two other characters: Beck and Peach Salinger. Beck is the main character that Joe falls in love with, and Peach Salinger is a daughter of an old-money-rich founding family in the area. Peach has everything in life… Money, fame, social status. But she is also in love with Beck, which is a no-no in her family.

Thus begins the abusive relationship between the two women.

Peach needs to get attention from Beck by any means necessary which means spoiling her with things like trips to Paris, expensive clothes, and lavish parties. She even loans Beck money when she needs it. At first glance, these seem like great things.

However, the thought and emotion behind them reek of toxic codependency.

As the story progresses, Joe tries to shed light on the issues that he sees in Peach that Beck doesn’t… Like how Peach stores hundreds of pictures of Beck on her laptop, follows her around, watches her bathe, and many other privacy-violating things. When Peach doesn’t get the attention from Beck that she needs, she’d fake illnesses and phony suicide attempts.

Let’s get another thing straight: faking these types of things to get attention is point-blank unacceptable.

Another abusive relationship in “You” is the relationship between Joe and his ex-girlfriend, Candace. Candace was an ex that cheated on Joe and then mysteriously disappeared after he found out. There are people who assume that Candace is dead, specifically that Joe killed her. We see at the end of season one and through season two that she is very much alive and has come to make Joe’s life hell.

Talk about a toxic ex.

The fact that Candace is out for blood – quite literally – shows just how harmful revenge in a past relationship can be. If broken up in a healthy way, a person should not feel the need for revenge, let alone let it totally dictate their life.

Finally, we have one of the most toxic relationships of all: Joe and his father figure.

Although we don’t necessarily see this in the first season, the second season of the show talks about Joe’s childhood and the mess that it was. He had abusive and neglectful parents and ended up in the care of Mr. Mooney, the man who ran the bookstore before Joe. We see flashbacks in Joe’s mind of his childhood, starting with the physical and emotional abuse that Mr. Mooney showed Joe.

He locked him in a glass box as punishment which is where all of Joe’s craziness got its beginning.

Because of Mr. Mooney, Joe has the glass box that he then kills people in. He was conditioned, in a way, to think and act the way that he does because that’s all he knew. Imagine someone in a parental figure teaching you these things and even punishing you with them? Daddy and mommy dearest aren’t in the picture and never have been.

In the end, “You” expertly portrays the flaws that relationships can hold.

This isn’t to say that the show normalizes it, because it doesn’t. What it does is show these qualities in ways that we are unfortunately able to understand and even relate to. It even sheds light on how often this happens all around us.

Header Image Source

About The Author

Emmie Pombo is a latte and tattoo-loving Tennessean who specializes in mental health and beauty writing. She holds a degree in Journalism and a certification in Makeup Artistry and Airbrushing. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

10 Signs You’re Way Too Good For The Person You’re Dating

Your friends tell you, your parents tell you—sh*t, even their friends say something to you about it. There comes a time in some relationships where everyone starts telling you that you’re way too good for the person you’re dating. While I’m never one to say that you should believe when people tell you things about your relationship when they’re not involved in it—there are some key moments in your life where people are doing you more good than harm. If you’re constantly fighting with yourself to decide if the person you are with is “good” for you, there may be a bigger picture problem that you’re ignoring completely.

If you’re the one who is constantly going out of your way, giving 100% when they give maybe 45%, the one reaching out, the one making plans, the one who calls/texts first – there could be a very, very big reason. You may just be too good for the person you’re currently dating.

1. The people who know you best think you deserve better.

While you may not want to believe everything other people say about your own, personal life – the people who know you best are only going to want what’s best for you. If they’re telling you that you deserve better, finding reasons for you to leave the person you’re with – there could be a very good reason for it. They want you to be happy and also want you to be treated the way in which you deserve. Maybe you need to wake up and smell the coffee of the reality of things, no matter how much you love someone, they may not be the best person for you.

2. The person you’re with is jealous, insecure or always picking fights.

If you’re the type of person who allows your significant other to have freedom and independence, but they don’t reciprocate, it’s a big red flag. Jealousy and insecurity at times can be something to manage and work on in a relationship, but if someone is unwilling to change, you can’t force them. You can’t be allowing someone to have their freedom but be forbidden to do things, say things or wear things that you want at someone else’s expense. Don’t let someone stomp all over you, who you are and what you bring to the table.

Pages: 1234

How Implementing ‘5×5’ Rule Will Actually Change Your F*cked Up Life

In your 20s and 30s, you’re going to go through a lot of changes and trials – it’s only natural. You’re growing up, you’re moving out, you’re falling in and out of love and you’re trying to find your place in this messed up place we call “the world.” Inevitably, you’re going to be faced with a lot of challenges that hit you in the face like a brick – they hurt, they’re painful and sometimes you have no idea how to deal with them. Recently, I’ve been going through most of these myself and, I’ve been dealing with them the absolute wrong way. Wrong, in the sense that the way in which I deal with them helps no one – especially myself.

My sister, who is way more experienced in life and chock-full of more wisdom than a fortune cookie, gave me some pretty solid advice after I ran to her apartment in tears over my latest f*ck up. After I had finally relaxed and vented my guts up, she told me about something called the “5×5 rule.”

If it’s not going to matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes upset about it.

Now, it may sound pretty cliché and “typical” for someone to give advice like this, and, it seems like a cheesy quote pulled from Pinterest (because it was), but, this rule is actually pretty damn effective if you apply it in the long run.

1. It will help you find perspective.

If you’re like me, you get emotional at the sight of a problem or argument in your life – with friends, family or relationships. I always get pretty upset in arguments with my boyfriend and my friends, so much so that it clouds my judgment and I act out. I say things I don’t mean, sometimes I do things I shouldn’t. If you think about the situation at hand and ask yourself “will this really matter to me later,” it can give you the perspective you need to chill out and just breathe.

2. There are better ways to handle things.

Instead of screaming or fighting with someone over something that may not be as big of a deal as you think, you can realize that this issue is something that can be easily worked out. Knowing it’s not a make-or-break problem can help you ease into a conversation, rather than having a blow-out fight.

3. Some things don’t deserve your attention.

Petty drama and stupid mishaps don’t require your attention. Know when things are “worth it” and things aren’t. And, if someone repeatedly does the same thing over and over again, know when you should do something about it.

4. You’ll realize the bigger problems much earlier on.

Once you implement the 5×5 rule, you’ll start seeing things a lot clearer – especially your problems. In whatever relationship, whether it’s a friendship or romantic relationship, you’ll know what problems are actually problems. And, when the time comes, you’ll know what needs to be done.

5. You’ll be a much happier person.

Overall, when you learn to manage your reactions to things, you’ll become a happier person. Long gone are the days when little things bothered you all of the time, you felt slighted or upset by other people and you were walking around with an angry cloud over your head. Instead, you’ll see things in the long-run and how the pettiness of today will not matter in 5 years, so why waste the now?

How To Tell Your Relationship Is Going Nowhere Fast

Throughout your life, you’re going to find yourself in relationships with people you think are “the one.” No matter how much time you spend together, how much you think you’re in love and how badly you want a future together, there are those moments of epiphany when you realize that this person is not the right one for you.

Don’t worry – no harm, no foul. It happens to the best of us throughout our lives. We find ourselves with people that we become infatuated with – the idea of spending the rest of our lives with them seems like magic, sunshine and rainbows. But, when reality sets in and the red flags start to wave, we can no longer lie to ourselves. Of course, ending a relationship with someone you once thought was your better half is not always easy.

We find ourselves complacent in these kinds of relationships – scared to leave, afraid to walk out and embarrassed to even mutter the subtle words to ourselves at all. The reality is, if you’re with someone that you’re not really supposed to be with, you’ll 100% know.

1. You Find Yourself Interested In Other People:

If your partner has no longer become the object of your attention, affection and desire; it’s a tell-tale sign that the relationship is failing. That’s not to say that your significant other will be the only object of your attention, 100% all of the time throughout your relationship – however, when you find yourself more interested in texting other people, opening up to others about yourself or sharing news with other people before them, it’s a red flag that maybe you’re just not interested in what they have to say any longer. Communication and conversations are the foundation of a stable and healthy relationship. If ever you find yourself not even wanting to talk to your significant other, then you have problems you need to address, ASAP.

2. You Find Yourself Thinking You Can “Do Better”:

Your partner should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself and good about your relationship. If you find yourself thinking that you can “do better,” than the person you are currently with, it’s because there are things that are inherently missing from your relationship. Maybe you see other relationships that are flourishing better, faster, or in a way in which you wish yours would. Or, maybe you’ve met somebody who peaks your interest in ways that your partner has never, or doesn’t anymore. Either way, if you think that are people are going to treat you better than the person you’re with now is, it’s over.

3. You Get Easily Aggravated/Annoyed With Them:

When you start to get bothered by every little thing your partner is doing, it’s a sign that there’s a deeper issue arising. Things that you once found endearing, sexy or cute now cut like knives under your skin. You’re annoyed by how they act in public amongst your friends and family and how they treat you when they’re with theirs. You don’t like the way they speak to you anymore, their quirky habits you once enjoyed have now become disgusting and you find yourself wanting to spend less and less time together.

4. The Sex Is No Longer Good…or Happening:

Sex is an important factor in any relationship. When you first get together with someone, you guys may not be able to keep your hands off of each other. The “honeymoon” stage in a relationship is fun, exciting and full of hot, steamy, wild sex. Once you guys become comfortable with each other and settle into the post-honeymoon stage – you may find the sex begins to slow down. But, just because it slows down doesn’t mean it needs to stop completely – or change. You should still be having hot and steamy sex with your SO and find yourself attracted to them. However, sometimes, sparks fade faster than people can expect. If you find the sex is lacking, or not even getting you going, you may need to face that issue head-on and realize that maybe you’re just not attracted to your partner anymore – which, is a huge red flag.

5. You Question Your Decision of Being With Them:

Life is really crazy and stressful. With dozens of commitments and things to worry about, your relationship shouldn’t be on the forefront of your contemplations. If you find yourself second guessing your decision to be with them, stay with them, or spend your life with them – run for the hills. You should be with someone who doesn’t make you second guess your decisions and someone who makes you feel comfortable and not have to constantly question things.

6. You’d Rather Go Out Without Them Than With Them:

Everyone needs some time apart when they’re in a relationship – it’s healthy. Yet, when you do decide to go out and let loose, you should want your partner to be there. While everyone needs a girls/boys night with their friends, the times when everyone’s getting together in groups, you should always want your SO to be by your side. That’s not to say you need to be attached at the hip, but your partner should be someone who you have fun with, enjoy the excitement of the world with and want to spend your free time with.

7. You Can’t Picture A Future With Them:

If you’re in your late 20’s/early 30’s, you should be with someone you can consider spending your life with. Don’t worry – no pressure, you don’t have to be. But, as you get older, reality starts to set in and you want to start your life with someone – get engaged, get married, have a family. If you’re with someone who you can’t see yourself with in the long-run, why waste both of your time?

8. You Can’t Trust Them:

Whether you’re looking through their phone, stalking their social media or trying to eavesdrop on their phone calls – if you cannot trust the person you’re with, you shouldn’t be with them. It’s simple. You’ll find yourself constantly worrying about where they are and who they’re with whenever you’re not together. It’ll only drive you insane.

15 Signs You Have A Piece of S**t Boyfriend

What you think is love, may not be that at all. We all know what it’s like to be blinded by someone we’re completely head-over-heels for. But, when we snap out of the cloud of bliss we’ve been living in for so long and look at the bigger picture, as it turns out, we may be dating a piece of shit.

1. He doesn’t support you or your dreams.

He makes you feel like you’re childish or unrealistic for having high aspirations and big goals. Instead of helping you achieve them, he breaks you down.

2. He goes days without texting or calling you.

If you’re not the one to initiate a conversation with him, you may not hear from him at all.

3. He doesn’t pay for you nearly enough.

Being in the real world can be expensive, but that doesn’t mean you have to pay for everything you two do together. If he’s not paying for at least half (or more, really) he’s not doing his part.

4. He doesn’t believe in compromise.

When you have disagreements, it’s important to know when to meet in the middle and work on things. But, if it’s his way, or the highway, it’s not going to work.

5. He doesn’t like any of your friends.

And he won’t let you forget it. He’s constantly belittling them and talking badly about them whenever they come up in conversation. Even worse, he refuses to hangout with them entirely.

6. He neglects your needs.

Just because they aren’t his needs, does not make them less important. Relationships are 50/50.

7. He doesn’t make you feel wanted.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t want you back, that’s not love, that’s worship.

Pages: 12

‘The Guy Who’s Rude To Waiters’ And 6 Other Types Of Guys To Avoid Like The Plague

Rude To Waiters? Not Dating Material!

Dating is always going to be a bit of a crapshoot. You never know which person is going to ultimately sweep you off your feet—and you’ll probably be immensely surprised when it happens.

However, there are a few good general rules of thumb to follow if you want to find your best chance at a healthy, happy relationship. With that in mind, here are some basic types of guys to avoid if you want to steer clear of tepid, unfulfilling relationships:

1. The guy who doesn’t like it if you’re funnier/smarter/more successful than he is.

Bottom line: a partner should be proud of your successes and accomplishments, and should encourage you to shine at all times. Only guys who are insecure in their masculinity are threatened by a woman who is their intellectual equal — and that’s a pretty outdated way to go about relationships.

If he tends to bristle when you crack a successful joke in front of his friends, or when you beat him at Trivial Pursuit, then maybe it’s time to turn around and walk away.

Pages: 1234

32 Definitive Signs He’s Just Playing Games With Your Heart

Sometimes, you’ll find yourself living the single life, where you’re casually seeing some people, or maybe even just one person. Love and dating can be a bit of a minefield by itself, and it’s made worse when the dudes you’re finding are just playing games with the girls they fool around with.

Don’t get caught off guard by these wannabe playboys. Recognize the signs of a guy who’s just playing games with you, and make sure you know the rules to the game to turn it in your favor.

1. He texts you just to see if you’ll answer

And you do, because you think it’s inconsiderate not to answer people.

2. But he has no intention of carrying on a conversation

Then he goes and stops the conversation just when it begins.

3. Or he ends conversations very ambiguously,

That requires you to say something and wait for his response.

4. Like he just wants you waiting and staring at your phone every 5 seconds.

But he never actually answers. So you just turn into a paranoid fuck.

5. He’s the king of the Booty Call,

But God forbid you call him, it goes right to voicemail.

6. Yet he denies your calls after midnight.

But he has no problem waking you the fuck up at 1 AM.

7. He’s a master when it comes to guilt-tripping,

Then somehow he always makes you feel guilty about something.

8. Just to ensure you apologize.

And you just want him to stop yelling at you, so you apologize.

9. And even when he’s wrong he’ll never admit it.

Somehow it’s never him that’s wrong, but rather everyone else on the planet.

10. He just calls you crazy,

But in those rare moments where you’re the one who’s right, he shuts you down so fast.

11. Then he has you questioning everything you think and say.

He manipulates you into thinking “am I crazy or is he just an asshole?”

12. He keeps you close,

You’re always just within arm’s reach of him.

13. But not close enough,

He lets you in, but not really. You let me in just to get what you want.

14. So you always want a little more.

He ends things with a snide comment or a one-liner that makes you both love and hate him but also want him more.

15. He plays a pretty good sympathy card,

He knows what to say and when to say it just to get girls to fall for him.

16. And most girls fall head over heels for it

Everyone thinks he’s complicated, but you know he’s just completely full of shit.

17. He’s coy on social media,

He’ll go and follow you, just to unfollow you.

18. Because it just adds to his game

Or like your pic and immediately unlike it.

19. Just to keep you on edge…

Even you can admit you like the game a little bit or you wouldn’t be playing.

20. But he’s never one to post pics with any specific girl

His insta and FB are all on private and he hides a lot of shit.

21. His phone probably has a lock code on it

We all do, but you know if you cracked that code, he’d be spitting the same lines he does to you as he does to every girl.

22. You and he talk most when you’re both drunk

The only time you and he have real conversations is when you’re so drunk you can’t remember.

23. His favorite app is snapchat

Because everyone knows snapchat was first created as a way to get nudes.

24. And he sends generic snaps,

To you and probably every other girl in his contacts.

25. Even though yours are always direct.

But I’m always gonna answer.

26. You don’t think he actually likes you,

He just likes the idea of having you around.

27. But he likes the fact that you like him

Yeah, you do like him. You don’t really hold anything back or try and hide it.

28. And he has you wrapped around his finger,

At least, it definitely seems that way

29. He might think you’re letting him win this game

In reality, you’re far coyer than him.

30. But that’s what you like him to believe

You know his game and you play the role of bashful sheep quite gracefully.

31. Because you will always come out on top

Never on top of him, though.

32. And when it’s over…

You’ll be his biggest regret and he’ll be the one saying sorry as you walk away.

This article was originally published on PuckerMob.

Why Sharing Too Much About Your Relationship On Social Media Is Toxic As Hell

Being in a relationship can make you feel so elated that you’re compelled to yell about it from every rooftop.

But, here’s the thing: don’t do that.

While it’s admirable when you’re involved in a successful romantic relationship, that doesn’t mean that you need to share the juicy details on your social media account. Doing so can easily poison the relationship over time. The act itself can be toxic.

But, if you need some convincing in order to keep your updates in check, here are some excellent reasons to pump the breaks when it comes to divulging details of your relationship on social media:

5. You know who’s on social media now? Your damn relatives.

Using social media to send sexy acknowledgments to your significant other is a decidedly risky move for multiple reasons. While commenting on one of their posts with “Can’t wait for tonight ;)” might SEEM like a good idea (especially if you’ve been drinking), kindly remember that A.) everybody can see your ass acting a fool on social media, and B.) one of those people probably includes a family member or authority figure whose respect you value. And don’t even get me started on those suggestive “Breakfast in bed ;)” pics which feature your half-naked significant other curled up in your bedsheets.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but: save the NSFW sh*t for your anonymous Tumblr account, not your Facebook or Instagram. We’re all very happy about (read: unaffected by) the fact that you’re having regular sex, but we don’t need to know the details.

4. What happens on the internet stays on the internet … forever.

You know that feeling when you’re fighting with your S.O. and you say something mean that feels incredibly true in the heat of the moment, but you come to regret it later, so you apologize and ask for their forgiveness?

Well, spoiler alert: that’s much easier to accomplish in real life than it is on social media.

If you’re on the verge of a breakup and you choose to vent on Facebook, Twitter, etc., it’s pretty difficult to come back from that. Everyone saw you lose your cool (including your S.O., probably), which makes it that much more difficult to reconcile with your partner.

And while we’re on the subject: that doesn’t make it okay for you to post scathing updates after a breakup, either. Even if you don’t come to regret it later, it’s certainly not going to paint you in the most positive light for all of your friends — and it makes you look super immature.

3. Your ex can probably see whatever you’re posting about them.

On a similar note: never, ever, ever post something about your ex, even if it’s to express how much you miss them.

They are almost certainly going to see your thinly-veiled reference to them, and it’s only going to end up stirring sh*t and reopening old wounds. Calm down and hash it out with your friends — don’t use Facebook as your personal therapist.

2. Nobody cares if you’re excessively happy.

We get it: the two of you went apple-picking, and you’re perfect together, and your happiness is so profound that you were utterly compelled to share couple selfies on all of your social media accounts.

But, here’s the other thing: at a certain point, nobody gives a sh*t.

Sure, it’s nice to know when someone’s in a successful, long-term relationship, and nobody can fault you for occasionally taking photos of your significant other. But, there’s a fine line between sharing tasteful shots from your life and bombarding the timeline with desperate reminders of your relationship status.

Stop trying to convince everyone you’re in a happy relationship and just focus on being in one, dammit.

1. Privacy and intimacy are kind of necessary in healthy relationships.

The majority of a romantic relationship happens behind closed doors — and no, I’m not just talking about sex. The key to successful relationships is intimacy, and that’s something which can only be accomplished through a certain amount of privacy and trust. Posting every possible update about your significant other or your relationship is a surefire way to suffocate your connection and prevent any intimacy from forming.

By viewing your partner as a social media boon rather than an actual person, you’re betraying their trust and ultimately keeping your relationship at an extremely superficial level.

9 Signs You Need To Pump The Brakes On Your New Relationship

Recently, it seems that committing yourself to someone in less than a month is the latest trend–just look at Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson, or Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin. While getting engaged and having someone want to spend the “rest of their life” with you is romance at its very best, you don’t want to commit to someone for the wrong reasons.

Looking at the couples above–3/4 of them got out of rather serious relationships not long before jumping into their new ones (and getting engaged). All across social media, people have been buzzing about how moving on too fast can be toxic for you and your new partner. And, it really can be. So how do we know how much time we need before starting something new with someone else? Here are the universal signs that it’s too soon to move on.

9. You still think about your ex throughout the day.

When you break up with someone, it’s only natural that you’re going to think about “what went wrong.” If you’re dating someone new and you’re still focused on your ex and your past relationship, it’s completely too soon to be dating someone new. Not only is it unfair to yourself, it’s unfair to your new partner. According to Dr. Suzanne Degges-White,

“If you’re already wondering if you’re mentioning your breakup or your ex too often, there’s a good chance you’re doing just that. If you spend time focusing on how the other relationship ended or how wronged you felt, you’re setting up a wall around yourself.”

8. You spend way too much time with your new partner.

One of the biggest reasons for jumping into a new relationship after a break-up is feeling lonely. When we lose someone we spent the majority of our time with, it’s inevitable we’ll feel a void. But, replacing that void with someone else isn’t necessarily healthy. Bo ard-certified psychiatrist Dr. Susan Edelman says that spending too much time with someone is a sign you’re moving way too fast.

“You’re together all the time, in person or texting. It’s exciting when you find someone you like, but pacing things is very important so that you don’t get hurt if things don’t work out.”

7. You haven’t given yourself a chance to feel the break-up pain.

An important part of the break-up process is giving yourself time to feel pain and heal from it. If you move into a new relationship too soon, you aren’t giving yourself any time to truly grow from the hurt you felt. Additionally, you most likely miss out on opportunities to learn from the mistakes you’ve made in your past relationship. Deborah L. Davis Ph.D. points out that grieving a past relationship is vital to growing as an individual.

Grieving is how you gradually let go of what might have been, and adjust to what is. And over time, your outlook will naturally shift from “I must demonstrate I am a worthy mate for her/him” to “I can reclaim my own sense of worth.” Grieving is what sets you free from the pit of despair.

6. You’re hoping to make your ex jealous.

Sometimes, people jump into new relationships hoping their ex will notice and get jealous, maybe even change their mind about ending things. Naphtali Roberts, licensed marriage and family therapist, says:

“[Be careful if] you are stilling hoping your ex will notice you or change their mind. If part of the intention in this new relationship has anything to do with your ex you are rushing into a new relationship. You deserve a relationship that’s about you, and the bond you share with someone, not a ghost from your past. Give yourself some time to grieve for your breakup, and you’ll be ready to date again, for the right reasons, soon.”

5. You compare your new partner to your ex a lot.

Experts say that it’s natural to compare our new partner to our ex, but when we do it too often, it’s a sign that we aren’t totally over our previous relationship. While it’s normal for people to compare the past and the present, it’s a red flag when your new partner doesn’t completely match up to your ex. Susan Pease Gadoua L.C.S.W. says one of the signs you’ve moved on too fast from your failed relationship is:

You compare every aspect of this new person to your ex and this person often comes up short (by the way, it’s a natural tendency everyone has to compare new and old relationships).

4. You try to rationalize your new relationship.

Whether you’re trying to prove a point to someone else (or yourself) if you find yourself having to have mental “pep talks” about why this is the right move for your love life, chances are it’s not. New relationships should be natural and pressure-free, you shouldn’t have to rationalize your new love to yourself or anyone else.

3. You’re using your new partner to rebuild yourself.

If you’re banking on your new relationship to help “find yourself again,” it’s a huge sign it’s way too soon. You should use the time after a breakup to rediscover yourself, by yourself. Relying on someone else to help do that is unhealthy and risks the chance of you losing yourself in someone else. Irene Fehr, sex & intimacy coach says:

“Notice your own eagerness to put aside what’s important to you and place your relationship and your partner in the foreground. What’s driving this decision? If you’re twisting and bending your own life to suit that of your partner, most likely you’re acting from fear of losing them. The speed of your actions in this situation is a fight/flight response — slow down to ground yourself into what’s important to you. Relationships where one person loses themselves to create or keep the relationship are bound to fail.”

2. You’ve said “I love you” earlier than you have in the past.

After getting out of a relationship, we’re eager to feel that blissful feeling of being in love. It usually pushes us to pressure our new partner into feeling it, too. Many people who jump into a new relationship right away tend to say “I love you” earlier, because they’re chasing that high they had in their previous relationship. However, it’s usually too soon to really be “in love” with someone just yet. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson says:

“Many people confuse the word ‘love’ with ‘in love. While being in love ? being infatuated or experiencing lust ? is more relevant to early stages of a romantic relationship, loving someone is more relevant to a long-term relationship, after you’ve really gotten to know your partner.”

1. You know deep down that you’re not ready.

It’s important to always listen to your gut and your heart when it comes to relationships and love. If it’s too soon to be with someone new, most of the time we know deep down–we just don’t want to face the truth. Even if you’ve met someone really great, if you’re not ready, it’s important to be real with yourself. Dr. Jill Weber claims that it’s important to be honest with yourself and completely examine your love life before moving on.

“Skipping this important step puts you at risk of entering another relationship without much self-growth and may set you up for even more unprocessed grief in the future.”

Instead of rushing into a relationship with someone else, invest in the relationship you have with yourself.

While we all want to be in love and happy, after a break-up it’s more important to invest in yourself than in someone new. Taking time between relationships allows you to learn from the past and prevent yourself from experiencing the same old heartbreak over and over again.