Couples in which partners trust each other understand that a strong marriage is a constant work on the relationship. In such unions, partners show that they value each other. They are proud of each other’s talents and achievements. Day after day, they keep saying “I love you”. Even in the midst of a conflict, they try to take the place of a partner. They empathize with each other, even if they disagree on something, and support each other, no matter what happens.
Every day of our lives together gives us the opportunity to get close to our partners or grow apart from them. If you turn away from your loved one over and over again, the trust in the relationship is slowly and surely destroyed, and you begin to focus on the flaws of each other. You forget what you used to appreciate and admire, and gradually fall into the trap of “negative comparison”.
From now on, you compare your spouse to other people, real or fictional. You think: “I deserve better”, stop caring about relationships, criticize your partner instead of supporting them, and cultivate feelings of resentment instead of gratitude.
Where is mistrust born and why?
Roots are in childhood
American psychoanalyst Eric Erickson, who introduced the concepts of “basic trust” and “basic distrust” in the 1950s, indicates the period of human development from birth to two years. At this time, the child tries to determine by what means he feels loved and accepted.
“Faith and distrust develop at an early age and depend more on the quality of the relationship with the mother than on the number of manifestations of love,” agrees Francesco Belo, a Jungian psychoanalyst.
According to Ericsson, a combination of two factors will help strengthen the trust between the mother and the child: sensitivity to the needs of the child and self-confidence as a parent.
“My mother used to call her friends for help all the time, whether for housework or to help with me,” says 34-year-old Maria. – This lack of self-confidence was eventually passed on to me and transformed into distrust.”
The main thing is to feel loved, so your self-confidence grows and in the future becomes an ability to overcome life’s difficulties and disappointments. Conversely, if a child feels a lack of love, he or she will grow the distrust of the world, which seems unpredictable.
Why don’t we trust people
In small doses, distrust keeps you from being disappointed. However, if it starts to prevail in a relationship, we risk being isolated from everyone.
“You won’t deceive me, will you? How long can you support me?” Distrust is an unpleasant feeling of external threat, what we think can be harmful.
“We are talking about behavior that is often disproportionate to the real situation and that can block, paralyze, and prevent us from living our lives to the fullest,” explains Maura Amelia Bonanno, an expert on cultural anthropology. – “A mistrustful person ultimately questions the good things to avoid communicating with the world. They are also full of prejudices.”
Lack of self-confidence
A lying colleague, a friend who abuses your generosity, a loved one who has betrayed… Distrustful people have “an idealistic view of the relationship,” says Bello. “They expect too much from others and the slightest discrepancy with their reality is perceived as a betrayal.”
In some cases, this feeling becomes paranoia (“Everybody wants me to hurt me”), and sometimes leads to cynicism (“My ex left me without any explanation, therefore, all men are cowards and scoundrels”).
“To start a relationship with someone is to take a risk,” adds Bello. – “And this is only possible for those who are confident enough not to feel bad in case of deception. Lack of confidence in another person often means a lack of self-confidence.”
The limited vision of reality
“Fear and mistrust are the main protagonists of modern society. All of us, sitting at home, looking at the real world through the window and not participating fully in life, share a cynical attitude to it. We are confident that we’re surrounded by enemies,” – says Bonanno. – “The reason for any psychological discomfort is the inner concern of the soul.” If you want it to change, you need to have a blind belief that everything will be fine.
What does it mean to find trust and confidence? “It means to understand what our true nature is and to realize that confidence originates only in ourselves,” concludes the expert.
To gain trust and loyalty, we need purposeful efforts. Here are five ways to help strengthen the relationship.
Make compromises
Compromises are the basis of a long-term relationship. The couples who managed to keep their marriage made them in 86% of cases, and those who eventually got divorced made compromises only in 33% of cases. If your attempts fail, as happens in any relationship, try to correct the mistakes. Remember that working on mistakes is a secret weapon for couples with high emotional intelligence.
Get rid of negative thoughts
According to a study by psychologists Elizabeth Robinson and Gail Price, negative thoughts prevent us from seeing half the steps our partner is taking towards us. In such a situation, it’s difficult to build trust. Learn to separate specific problems in your relationship from the general opinion of your partner. Try to replace negative thoughts with sympathy and understanding.
Support your partner
The best way to avoid the “negative comparison” trap is to actively support and praise the partner. Thinking about your partner in a positive way should become a habit for you. Think about what you value about your partner and tell him or her about it regularly.
Fight “smart”
Happy couples express their discontent without mutual accusations. They talk about their feelings and desires and behave gently.
Make time for the two of you
We’re too busy. We work a lot, we spend all our time with children. It’s easy to find an excuse for why we don’t have time to deal with relationships. Give up these excuses and find time to date. Speak up and continue to create rituals and traditions that bring you closer together emotionally. This “investment” will pay off.
The secret to happiness is not to get what we don’t have. To be happy means to notice and appreciate what we already have. Appreciate each other day by day.
Author bio: Roy is a tech enthusiast, a loving father of twins, a program in a custom software company, editor in chief of TheHomeDweller.com greedy reader, and a gardener.
