This is How Being in a Narcissistic Relationship Caused My Anxiety Disorder

Narcissists cling to those who have big hearts because they can tolerate a great deal of subliminal abuse. But it’s only so long until they finally realize the damage being inflicted on them and build up the courage to walk away. It’s a process we’ve seen play out over and over, but what no one seems to realize is the impact narcissistic abuse can have on your mental health post-relationship. Your mental health deteriorates even after you free yourself from a narcissistic relationship. I know this first hand because the truth is, being in a relationship with a narcissist was cause for my anxiety disorder.

It all started with the verbal abuse sinking deeper and deeper into my system.

The awful things my narcissistic ex-said about me echoed in my mind so often that they slowly became my reality. I felt like I was nothing without him, I thought I was too sensitive, I overreacted too much, I thought everyone hated me and honestly, I started to hate myself. I lost touch with family members, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I had completely and totally isolated myself without even realizing it. And it’s all because his narcissistic abuse convinced me to do so. I was alone and trapped in this world where I had absolutely no control over the things that happened to me… I was terrified and frozen.

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I am Good Enough

You used me in more ways than I can count. You left me thinking I was in the wrong. That I did something. It didn’t matter how many times you cheated. How bad you’ve hurt me. I still wondered what was wrong with me.

Why wasn’t I good enough?

I helped you get to where you are. I helped you out of your dark place while you were pushing me into mine. I could say I hate you. I probably should hate you. But even after all you’ve done, I can’t. You told lies about me. You said I was crazy, you said I was the one cheating. Did this make you feel better for the time you’ve cheated? For the hours of yelling at me and me not saying a single word but sitting there with tears rolling down my face. Then the next morning you’d apologize. Kiss me goodbye. And I get up and make sure the house is clean for when you return from work. Accepting the apology.

You hungry, baby? I’ll cook for you. Let’s get you in bed. I don’t want you falling asleep in your chair, your neck will be sore. Make sure your alarm is set. I don’t want you being late. Come on baby, it’s time to get up. You don’t want to be late again. Oh, you want me to do that for you? With you? I don’t feel comfortable doing that… Oh, you love me? Okay… I’ll do it. For you.

You know what? Maybe you are right. Maybe I was crazy.

Crazy for believing all of your lies when you told me how much you loved me. Crazy for believing I meant something to you. We are a good team, you had me; I had you. You always told me this. Everything will be fine. I believed you. For years.

Then one day, I catch you in a lie. I catch you with someone. I finally stood up for myself and say something. You yell at me. Kick me out. Tell me I ruined your day. I was a crazy bitch. You need space. You feel trapped. You don’t want to be with me anymore. Then you said the words, “Were we ever together?” I don’t know? Were we? What exactly were we doing?

Now you’re with her. You let her touch your phone. When I would, you’d yell at me. Tell me there’s important stuff in there. Remember that one time you yelled at me in the middle of a busy restaurant, then on the sidewalk with all those people passing by? Because I touched your phone and said something to the girl you had PROMISED you wouldn’t talk to again. The one YOU cheated on me with?

I guess you like this girl more. Because if she can do that, if she can take you away from me so quickly and without you even caring, then she must be special.

You left me crushed. You hurt me. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I lost the person I loved a lot. I lost my best friend. I lost a part of my life. I’ll get myself back. It may take a while but I will.

I promise you won’t be around to see how good I’m doing.

I’ll never wish anything bad on you, though you’ve put me through some bad things. I do wish you the best. I wish you love, and I wish you happiness. I hope you succeed in your job and I hope you go far. I hope you find your true you and finally find your place in this world. I am sad that I can’t be around to watch you reach all these things.

There will always be love in my heart for you. That will never die. But it’s time to say goodbye.
You’ve taught me that not everyone is going to love you back like you love them. And that’s okay. Keep loving. Keep being caring. One day, maybe just one day, I will find someone who will appreciate all I can offer. That I will be enough for that person.

I know you probably won’t read this, but if you do, thank you.

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If You Keep Forgiving Him And He Doesn’t Change, This Is For You

There’s no easy breakup and nobody wants to go through it unless it’s necessary, especially when we’ve been so invested in the relationship.

I tried absolutely everything to never experience the end.

The truth is, there comes a point where enough is enough. You shouldn’t keep fighting for someone who’s not learning from past mistakes and is comfortable being less than what you truly deserve.

You might conjure up every possible rationalization for his lack of effort to continue staying with him, but nothing can change the fact that he’s not going to change.

The relationship won’t change. It’s over and the best thing for you to do is walk away and move on.

Yes, It’s hard to admit that no matter how much you loved this person, it didn’t seem to be enough for him to love you back. He had endless chances to do the right thing, to change his ways and be fair to you and the relationship, but he didn’t.

You even took some of the responsibility because you didn’t want to seem pushy or overly dramatic.

You catered to his needs because you thought that your unconditional love would change him. He was worth trying your hardest to make things work, at least that’s what you thought.

You gave him the benefit of the doubt, you were patient, kind and understanding.

The thing is, the relationship might have been doomed from the beginning.

He is who he is, who he wants to always be and he never had the intention to change. You loved this person so much, you became blind to all the signs that were clearly telling you that he was going to step all over your heart. Unfortunately, he was never going to be the one for you.

You were in love with the idea of him, you were not in love with him.

So, everything that you think you’re missing about him is not real. The truth is, he couldn’t possibly be the man of your dreams if he didn’t measure up to your ideal.

He didn’t appreciate you, so he didn’t treat you with the loyalty and respect that you deserve. So, when you think of him, remember that he was never capable of changing. He was never going to be able to be the person that was going to make you feel whole.

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An Open Letter to the Girl Torn Between Loving and Leaving

He Elates You Then He Deflates You.

What Gives?

He is your entire world. You think he could be the one. He makes you happier than you’ve ever been before…..some days.

And other days, the complete opposite. Love is an action. Each day he should be loving you by showing you how much you mean to him. It’s not always a big romantic gesture, but a simple phone call in the morning telling you that he hopes you had a good day, coming home to a clean house when he knows that you’ve had a long day, a good luck text before a big day at work…the little things that show his love on a daily basis.

Sweet girl,

If you’re torn between loving him and leaving him, think about these few things.

Are your friends and/or family constantly telling you that you deserve more?

How many late nights have you spent crying because his controlling manner brings you down?

Does he treat you like a queen? This doesn’t necessarily mean diamonds and roses (while those are definitely nice though!),it just means that he puts you first. He puts your wants and needs above his, he makes sure that you’re always happy and does whatever he can to keep a smile on your face.

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Girls, Stop Trying to Change Him. It Just Doesn’t Work That Way

You Cannot Change Him.

Read That Again

Perhaps you fit into the following scenario: you have met a guy..but it’s not just any guy, this one is different. He makes you feel bubbly and on top of the world. You share the same interests, and have undeniable chemistry. You feel like you’ve known him forever and never grow tired of talking to him. He is great, but there is one thing you wish he had or wish he didn’t have. Everything would be absolutely perfect if he would just change this one thing that absolutely bothers you..

Perhaps you don’t like the way he dresses or the music he listens to. Or maybe it is even bigger than that. Maybe he makes you question his trust or doubt your self worth. Whatever it may be, do not try to change him.

There is always one thing that has you coming back for more, and that is the idea that you have the power to change him.

That he loves you enough and will do anything to please you. It is an appealing idea that such guy will drop whatever quality it might be that irritates you, even the slightest of attributes. Do not put work into altering the way someone is. Relationships are work, but your time should not be invested in making that person change to please you.

If you are not happy with him in the beginning, chances are, you won’t be happy with him in the long run either.

There is someone out there for you, you just have to wait and see. Please, do not doubt your self worth and settle for second (or maybe even third best) when you deserve first.