To The Boyfriend Who Forgets I Exist Once Football Season Starts

Dear Boyfriend,

This madness has gone on for far too long.

It’s not that I don’t get it. I watched Friday Night Lights – I’m fully aware of how emotional football can get…if you’re only following one team.

It’s not like that for you. For you, it’s an obsession that rivals my incessant Facebook-checking. At least when I’m on Facebook I look at you every once in a while.

Come August, I start to see the talons of Football season creeping up your back, placing its bony hand on your shoulder. I’ve got him now it seems to whisper. Nothing you can do about it.

And it’s right, there really isn’t. It seems that between high school, college, pro, and (gasp) fantasy football, you’re busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony.

It’s not so much the fact that you’re a man in demand, it’s that even when you’re here, you’re gone. I could wave a hand in front of your face and you won’t notice. Poof. Finished! Out to lunch. It’s about The Game and The Game only, for the better part of the next five months.

Sometimes I think you’ve snapped out of it, that you’ve realized it’s JUST a game and I am, in fact, a woman sitting in your general vicinity. You gaze over with glazed eyes and say, “Babe, will you grab me a beer?”

It’s just the commercial break. Le Sigh.

Sometimes I attempt to get into it, in the hopes that one day the clouds will part and I’ll finally understand football enough to like it. I’ll then develop my own obsession to make you jealous. No matter how often you explain it, though – I get distracted by all of the hot men in tight pants running around and I forget what you taught me. Balls.

At least when we’re staying in I can busy myself with other things, but when we go to a bar, you totally space as well – so then it’s just like I’m alone at a bar. Suddenly I went from “having a lovely afternoon” to “ having a drinking problem”.

And then there are the mood swings. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, if, God forbid, one of your teams should lose.

The game’s finally over and you’re a mopey, irritable mess. You can’t even blame it on hormones.

You won’t shut up about it for at least an hour afterward, and it’s not even a real-life event. The worst part of it is, there’s nothing I can say other than, “Oh man. Maybe next time!”

I could make some sh*t up like Yeah, that ref was a total d*ck, and Henderson should go back to the minors or whatever, but I’d really only be amusing myself.

I put in long, hard hours waiting for you to return to the land of the living. Can’t you snap out of it so we can go out? Otherwise i may just take myself out on a date. I deserve a good time.

I think the best thing for me to do is to leave a wax replica of me next to you for a few months while I actually enjoy the fall season. Hit me up around Groundhog Day- at least there will be people to talk to at one of the Superbowl parties.

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101 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch The Super Bowl

If one more person asks me who I want to win the Super Bowl I’m going to scream. No, I don’t give a flying fuck about who’s playing, who will win, who gets hurt, none of it!

What I do give a fuck about are those adorable commercials with the puppies and baby animals… but I’ll catch those on Youtube after the fact. So instead of sitting through another four hours of America’s favorite sport, Football,  I’d rather…

1. Watch grass grow.

2. Participate in the ice bucket challenge in the dead of winter.

3. Watch “Frozen” on repeat every day for a year.

4. Give up sex for the rest of my life.

5. Shave my head.

6. Attempt to hold a conversation with Trump.

7. Read a dictionary from cover to cover.

8. Wash every dish in the house by hand. Twice.

9. Drink pond water.

10. Cuddle with a bear.

11. Bathe in cow shit.

12. Be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.

13. Let someone steal my car.

14. Forfeit the last chicken nugget.

15. Ride a bike, uphill, in the pouring rain.

16. Go to a Justin Beiber concert.

17. Pet a giant Huntsman spider.

18. Eat month old leftovers.

19. Lick a used band-aid.

20. Stub both pinky toes at the same time.

21. Brush my teeth with antifreeze.

22. Alternatively, rip out my teeth, one by one.

23. Over tweeze my eyebrows.

24. Get a Brazilian wax.

25. Give a Brazilian wax.

26. Watch two dogs have sex.

27. Sleep under a bridge.

28. Break the screen on my phone.

29. Eat an onion whole.

30. Lose every penny in my name at the casino.

31. Lose a finger in a tragic cooking incident.

32. Get stung in the eyeball by a wasp.

33. Rip off each of my fingernails.

34. Get food poisoning.

35. Sacrifice my Wi-Fi.

36. Wrestle an alligator.

37. Fight 10 elementary school children at the same time.

38. Delete my Facebook forever.

39. Forward every chain letter I receive.

40. Be publicly humiliated in front of my closest friends.

41. Clean everything in my house with a toothbrush and then put it in my mouth.

42. Give a cat a bath.

43. Karaoke. Period.

44. Get caught watching porn by my parents.

45. Cut the grass with dull scissors.

46. Spin around in an office chair until I vomit.

47. Get my hand stuck in a garbage disposal and then turn it on.

48. Listen to elevator music.

49. Dig WW2 style trenches in my backyard.

50. Play paintball with frozen paintballs.

51. Go to prison and then drop the soap.

52. Play Call of Duty with 12-year-olds every day.

53. Sit through all of the Twilight movies.

54. Watch 50 Shades of Grey WITH my mom.

55. Try to survive a real-life zombie apocalypse.

56. Wear an animal costume every time I have to go out in public.

57. Be tased upon waking up every day.

58. Attempt to break into Area 51.

59. Babysit my sick husband.

60. Try to catch a fish only using my hands.

61. Give up pizza for the rest of my life.

62. Answer the phone for a telemarketer.

63. Try to make a queen sized bed with a full sized sheet.

64. Eat too many laxatives.

65. Drink a hamburger shake.

66. Have a “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” marathon.

67. Eat Mentos and drink Coke simultaneously.

68. Wear braces until I am 60.

69. Donate all of my income to help pay for our national debt.

70. Dine in a gas station restroom.

71. Use sandpaper instead of toilet paper.

72. Never put on a pair of sweatpants again.

73. Drive a school bus full of almost potty trained children.

74. Walk on Legos, barefoot.

75. Wear the same outfit every day for a year.

76. Trade my voice for Fran Drescher’s.

77. Shave my legs every day.

78. Wait at the DMV all day, just to realize I left the paperwork at home.

79. Try medium rare chicken.

80. Give up creamer.

81. Use bleach as eyedrops.

82. Open a glitter bomb in my small apartment.

83. Name my first born child “Unicycle.”

84. Take the SAT every day.

85. Get left at the alter.

86. Never eat anything involving potatoes.

87. Eat glass as a snack.

88. And then wash it down with pure lemon juice.

89. Get horribly misspelled tattoos.

90. Speak only in Simlish.

91. Rip out my piercings with pliers.

92. Give a stranger my social security number.

93. Give myself alcohol poisoning.

94. Get arrested.

95. Attempt to put together Ikea furniture by myself.

96. Literally die.

97. Reply to every unanswered FB message.

98. Drink a gallon of semen.

99. Get cement butt implants.

100. Catch that one girl outside.

101. Pretty much anything that does not have to do with football.

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