A Tattoo Isn’t a Fashion Statement to Me — It’s a Symbol of Hope

I don’t remember much about the first time I cut myself. 

I know my parents were at dinner, I was locked in my bathroom, and I called my best friend. She cleaned me up, bandaged me, and stayed with my until my parents got home to let them know that what I had done. She stayed to tell them of the bloody washcloths to be cleaned, and a trip to the psychiatrist was needed.

The second time I don’t remember either, but the bloodstain on my carpet reminds me every day. The second turned into a third, third into fourth, and after that, I stopped counting — I lost track. My body most certainly remembers each and every time I lost control of my emotions and made permanent marks on my body. I’m forced to see it every morning and night, and many times in between.

Though I’m older now, I can’t tell you I’m all better – that would be a lie. 

But it’s been almost six months since I’ve given myself a “homemade tattoo” and now I’d like a real one that doesn’t hurt to look at. Yes, Mom — I’m young. I understand, Dad — tattoos are permanent. But I was young, and my own cries of release are, in fact, also very permanent.

You say “What if you regret it in 20 years?” 

I already regret my self-inflicted “tattoos” each and every day. These tattoos are flesh color, some of which rise up from the surface of my once innocent, story free skin, and others that are whiter than the clouds in the sky when I tan the tiniest bit. These tattoos burn awfully in the sun and are subject to more conversation than I’d like to know.

So, tell me something — if I had a small mark of ink on my body, do you think that I would be judged more for that, or for the ugly scars that I’m forced to explain every time I wear a bathing suit around unfamiliar people?

I’m not telling you how to parent, I just think it’s time you hear it from my side, our side. And maybe this side isn’t enough, and maybe this won’t change the way you feel, but you must understand something:

I know better than anyone else what feeling regret paired with permanence is.

To the parents of children who have given themselves “tattoos” but are denied your approval to get one with meaning: you’re wrong. I mean that in the kindest of ways, but you’re so painfully wrong.

I’m getting better, but sometimes I need a reminder. Sometimes I beg for something to look at to remind myself that I’ve been personally cut free for almost six months, and even on my darkest days I can get through it without making another tally. Don’t I deserve a badge of triumph among the scars of pain?

I’m begging you to reconsider your stance on the permanence and eternity that accompanies ink. 

I have my own form of tattoos…many more than I ever thought and none of them wanted. They hurt like hell, but I needed to distract my mind from my emotional pain with physical pain. I needed to know that even thought I felt dead inside, I was indeed living.

Would you like to know the difference between the two? I want the ink, and I want it to last forever.

I’d spare nothing to have the chance to go back to the first night or take an eraser to these ugly marks if I could, but I can’t. I ‘m not worried about regret. I’m not scared of permanence. But I’m scared of myself, and the times that you will not be around to do all of those things when I fall flat on my face. I’m begging for a small reminder.

So parents — just  give it a chance. Be sure there’s a meaning, one that will last forever. Make sure it is what they really want, then please give them the opportunity to mark their body with grace, hope, and meaning.

I have given myself breathtakingly painful, ugly tattoos: I’d like to ask now for one I can look at with pride now, not with guilt, harmful reminders, and remembrance of when I hated myself, and the fact that I still struggle to love myself. I get your apprehension, I’m young and tattoos are forever.

Just keep in mind that I was much younger when I gave myself my first mark that would last forever.

**Information on the semicolon tattoo movement**

Project semicolon began in 2013 and has recently been gaining popularity. These tattoos are kept quite small and are meant to present hope and love to people who have struggled or are currently struggling with depression, suicide, addiction, and self-harm. 

Why a semicolon? A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end a sentence, but instead chose to continue on. The author is you, and the sentence is your life. The semicolon tattoo is a forever reminder that you could’ve ended your life, given up, given in, but you instead made the commitment to choose to spend every day fighting to continue your life.

About The Author

Lauren Andre

I began writing as a way to say the things that I felt I had no one to tell, and the majority of these writings I kept to myself. As I’ve grown into my 20s, I felt that in sharing my personal stories and thoughts I could help just one person who feels the way I did. Even if it only reaches one person searching for the answer, I hope that what I write can be a source of comfort when the world feels cold.

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