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If I Walked Away, Just Know It Wasn't Easy for Me

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“I finally understood what true love meant…love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.???-Nicholas Sparks. 

The worst types of breakups are the ones you aren’t allowed to mourn. The ones where you cry yourself to sleep, staring at a phone, that is silent. You wake up the next day swallow, put on a brave face and carry on with your day. Because when you’ve never actually dated someone, apparently you aren’t allowed to be hurt when you lose them.

But pain didn’t discriminate. It didn’t come in a single form. It was not defined by labels. Love was not defined by what we were or weren’t. But how you made me feel when you spun be around and held me late at night.

As f*cked up as it all was, I did love you. I loved everything you were. I loved every part of you. And I wanted you more than I think I wanted anyone.

But there came a point, where I couldn’t keep wanting something that I wasn’t getting. There came a point, where I was out of ideas because even at my best, I wasn’t enough for you.

I’m not the type to give up on people. And what drew you back to me so often, was that I never failed to believe in you, despite everyone else’s doubt.

So before you grow angry, just know it took everything in me to say goodbye to you. Moving on isn’t the hard part. But staying moved on is the task that will be diffcult. 

The numbers have been blocked. My email has been changed. And while you may not exist in the world of social media, you live within my heart.

I had to do it for you too. You looked at me and it was a reminder of the person you used to be. I was the last thing in your past. The only hope you had at moving on, from that, was for me to let you go.

So I let you go without turning around for the first time. I wanted to move far away enough from you, that even if I looked back, I wouldn’t be tempted to turn around.

Among the many things you liked most about me, was my strength. And it takes everything in me to channel that into you.

A life without you isn’t one that’ll be easy for me. I think I needed you more than you needed me. I know I wanted you more than you wanted me.

And maybe at one point the tables were turned. Maybe I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine, but I think we’re toxic for each other.

It’s never easy for a good woman to walk away from someone she loves and believes in.

But sometimes, the greatest test of love is letting someone go, because they deserve more than what you can give.

So if you loved me at all, it truly breaks me to even utter these words let me lead a life without you.

Don’t come back.

And maybe our paths will cross, when the ghosts of my past taps me on the shoulder and I follow their lead.

And maybe I won’t change the radio when our song plays and just let it take me.

And maybe I’ll find myself in that place that used to be ours.

And maybe you’ll be there looking for me too. But I hope that isn’t the case.

You’ve held me without touch, but now I’m the one letting go.

Just know it comes with a heavy heart. And I don’t think of it as giving up on you. I think of it as giving each other what we actually deserve. It breaks me to finally accept what we deserve most isn’t each other.

Love always,

Kirsten

P.s I’ll always love you, even in your absence. Thanks for the good times. It’s those I will hold forever in my heart. 

“I had this fantasy, that I would look across the tables and I’d see you there, with a wife and maybe a couple of kids. You wouldn’t say anything to me and I wouldn’t say anything to you. But we both knew that you had made it and you were happy. I never wanted you to come back. I always knew there was nothing for you here, except pain and tragedy. And I wanted something more for you than that. I still do.??? – The Dark Knight

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