If we have our sights set on fame, we have to be very careful of what we wish for. Here are the many reasons it's great to just be a regular ol' person:
1. No one is paying attention to the “evolution of our faces.” You can see serial killer scrapbooks that are less terrifying.
2. No one is publicly criticizing us for gaining weight, especially post-pregnancy. The press are a bunch of monsters.
3. No one is publicly criticizing us for losing weight, because of course if celebrities lose too much weight, the tabloids start saying that they must have an eating disorder.
4. We don’t always have to be “on.” A celebrity’s job never ends, because they could be recognized at any time. They also have an assistant who is paid to bring the news about them, good or bad.
5. We don’t have to second guess our friends. Celebrities have so many people hanging on to them for fake reasons.
6. You don’t see articles on yourself that say, “what makes her cry?” The weird bullying voyeurism is limited to celebrities, because they’re seen as not having feelings.
7. We don’t have millions of trolls online sending us hate mail for every move we make. People love to hide behind a computer screen and spew hate at celebrities. It’s good we’re on the right side of the screen.
8. We can go to the supermarket looking like we just fell out of a homeless person’s closet and not end up on the cover of a tabloid. We can roll in there wearing a messy bun, a half off the shoulder sweatshirt and fleece penguin pajama pants like it ain’t no thing.
9. Our dating mistakes are entirely our own. No one is writing about the shock over us dating this person and oh my God is this really happening. What a boner killer.
10. We deal with way less betrayal day to day, especially when it comes to the press. No one is selling out our secrets. Who’s going to be interested, that guy at CVS who’s always staring at us?
11. Every move on social media isn't looked at with a magnifying glass. We could pretty much say anything as a nobody and no one will care. The worst that will happen if we make a bad joke is get no likes. A celebrity will get death threats.
12. We don’t have to worry about whether someone is dating us for the attention. If someone hits on us, chances are they know they aren’t getting a spot on The View.
13. Our relationships aren’t ripped apart by so-called fans who throw themselves on us and our person. The local hoes are enough to deal with.
14. We don’t have to dress up for the airport. Much like the supermarket only worse, we relish the idea of making no effort for the airport. Can you imagine having to wear a proper outfit, heels and full makeup on a plane? Shoot us now.
15. When we have a special moment, we don’t have to fight off hundreds of paparazzi in order to enjoy it. It’s our wedding day/graduation/hotdog eating contest dammit. Get away.
16. We don’t have a public expiration date. We don’t have to worry that we’ll see “No Longer F*ckable” as the magazine headlines on our 40th birthday.
17. We aren’t held to some higher moral standard. We f*ck up and somebody ghosts us. Celebrities do it and they lose all their friends, they stop getting jobs and they can’t go outside anymore for fear of being chased with torches.
18. We probably won’t go insane and join some religious cult to escape reality. Probably. We might start one, though. I mean these celebrities need refuge, after all.