As many of you know, and as some may not, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While so many decide to stay silent on the issue because they think it simply does not effect them, they are choosing to be blind as to how much it actually does effect them. Just because you have never experienced domestic violence firsthand does not mean it is not happening in your own backyard.
It is scary how common domestic violence is. It can be happening to your daughter, father, brother, sister, best friend, teacher, anyone… and you wouldn’t even know it. Because you see, domestic violence is one of the few crimes that happens behind closed doors and instead of people jumping to the fact that hitting or abusing another person is wrong in ANY circumstance, they choose to say that it is “none of their business.” People choose to be blind to it because “they may have deserved it” or “he/she would never do such a thing.” Well, they did.
According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, “on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men” (NIPSVS, 2010). Think about how many people you know. Now, if more than 10 million women and men are getting physically abused by their partner, what are the odds someone you know has been one of those 10 million? This is why society needs to be made more away. It affects an individual so much deeper than anyone can imagine because deep down, an individual in a domestic violence situation still believes in the love, they still believe in the person their partner was before the abuse. Few get the courage to stand up to their abuser, and it is so empowering to see the stories of the men and women who find the courage within them to leave their abuser or take them to court or simply speak out about their personal experience.
I have had the honor of meeting someone who shared their personal experience with me. They wanted to come forward with their story because they felt they were ready to do so. They wanted to speak out about the affects of their abusive situation. The author remains anonymous, but their words will ring true to so many, and for that I commend them. Read their letter, titled: “A Victim’s Cry: The Emotional Aftermath.”
“[We] started dating over two years ago and he was the first guy that I had ever fallen head over heels for. When our relationship was good, it was amazing but when it was bad it was scary. He supported me by coming to every single one of my soccer games even if he knew I wouldn’t be playing. He took me camping, on adventures; baseball games, basketball games and my favorite dates were just watching Netflix and making ice cream runs. We had a very strange but strong connection. We knew we were completely wrong for each other but for some reason we were like each other’s drug. Each time we would breakup and get clean, we would relapse. Every. Single. Time. Of course [he] did not show his true colors in the beginning, because no one ever does. Even when he started to act different and treat me with disrespect I always made excuses for him. “Maybe he had a bad day??? “Maybe he’s just bipolar??? “I should cater to him more??? “If I don’t speak to him when he gets home from work, then he cant get mad at me for being annoying???. The relationship turned into constant fighting and mistrust. Constantly telling me I was psycho or crazy for not trusting him and it, eventually, led to me believing that I was in fact just losing my mind. Trying my best but nothing was good enough. Having to walk on eggshells and be fearful he would get upset if I burned his breakfast. Never knowing if today was going to be a good day or a bad day. One may ask “Well why didn’t you just leave???? Hope. Hope is why I did not leave. Hope that my beautiful light would illuminate a path for him and pull him out of his darkness. My love for him grew so strong that I wanted to fix him from his broken past when in reality I was just breaking myself in the process. Being in a relationship with a narcissist drains you because at the end I had no positive energy left in me and caused me to become lost myself.
The incident that led us here today was the first physical altercation we had been in and I made sure it would be the last. Someone I loved so dearly and more than myself was able to toss me around like rag doll and have no sympathy whatsoever. That was when I had reached rock bottom.. [He] had taken a piece of me that I will never be able to get back no matter how hard I try. There were days where I thought I would be over it then have a flashback and begin to cry on the car ride home. People constantly asking me why are you so jumpy? And not being able to explain why. Not being able to trust any man that tries to get close to me for the simple fact that I do not know what they are capable of. I did not know what [he] was capable of. I’m here in front of you because I never thought this would happen to me. “If only I had not confronted him about that girl??? “If only I had just kept my mouth shut this would have never happened??? is what I would continue to tell myself months after the incident. Constantly thinking it was my fault and that I am the one who caused him to hurt me the way he did. Telling myself that I deserved all of the terrible things he would say to me, because I was not being a good girlfriend. Thinking “He really loves me that’s why he gets so jealous??? or “I know he wont cheat on me again he’s really sorry this time???. Wanting to leave this world because I was stupid enough to believe I was the one that was going to make him change. I ignored all of the red flags even though deep inside I knew. I just chose not to believe it. But since then I have learned that everyone has a choice and he had a choice that night. He chose to put his hands on me and change my life forever. I do not want others to feel sorry for me but instead pray for him.
I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I survived the two years of emotional abuse and the incident of physical abuse. I am taking away from this a lesson that [he] has taught me. He has made me realize what I do and do not want in a future partner. He has allowed me to be able to become more aware of the warning signs in my next partner. And most importantly made me realize that I will never again love someone more than I love myself. Although there is no time limit to ever get over this, I am finally at a place in my life where I love who I am again and I am genuinely happy but I want the courts to know that just because I did not come out from this incident with a black eye does not mean that the psychological damage done to me isn’t just as serious, if not worse. I am standing here today not just to receive justice for myself but for all the women who never made it this far and did not have a voice. I am standing here so that there is no next time for him. What I want the courts to know is that they need to put their foot down in regards to domestic violence so to not have a flood of offenders coming through the system. We can’t put an end to all of domestic violence but we can make sure that abusers receive the appropriate services they need so that there is no “next time???. [He] is going to have a family one-day, a wife and kids. If he does not learn his lesson now and is not willing to change, the cycle of domestic violence will continue.”
The story read to you is powerful, indeed, and the bravery just shines through the writing. The psychological damage an abusive relationship has on anyone is everlasting, and it is something that can never be unseen or unheard. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is salvation. This survivor found their strength, their courage, they defined their own survival story. Everyone’s survival story is different. Everyone gets out at different times in their relationships. Never feel sorry for the way you chose to survive, because in the end, guess what you did. You survived. You are a survivor. And this month is dedicated to you.