When we started dating I thought you were going to be my knight in shining armor. I thought you would be so many things. I was 17 though, so what did I know?
I stopped hanging out with my friends much which I thought was normal but soon it became me having no friends besides the ones you deemed acceptable.
When we moved in together the day after my 18th birthday I thought it would be the beginning of something wonderful and beautiful. We didn’t fight for the first nine months of our relationship so I never saw it coming. Our first fight ended with me wanting to go back home and you threatening to kill yourself because “I was the only one for you.???
So, I stayed. I have no idea why. I was miserable. You didn’t respect my wishes or value me. You said you did but looking back it is clear to me that you didn’t. You chose to continue doing things that made me feel uncomfortable, you chose to continue to belittle me and anything I did to make your life easier.
I remember the multiple times you defended someone who made fun of me. I remember the times you abandoned me at the mall. I remember the time you abandoned me and our son at a hotel with no money to even pay for a room.
I remember telling you that I felt suicidal, asking you to take me to the hospital just to have you brush it off and say that I was “too emotional???. I remember having to go to the hospital because you had kicked me in the chest. I remember you telling me that you didn’t care that I was in the hospital. I remember the times you raped me.
I remember all of it. I will never understand any of it. I loved you in the beginning but slowly it only turned to hate and resentment.
Every time I would try to leave you would either hurt yourself or me.
And then would get sucked back into the cycle of abuse without even realizing it.
I would go months without feeling anything. I would just try to keep the peace and then one day something would make you snap and I would be awakened by the harsh reality of what you are.
All the emotions I had been suppressing to please you resurfaced every time and I felt myself again, however crazy but you always disliked me when that happened.
You always said I was making it up. Everyone else could see it. Why couldn’t you? Or did you just not care?
I finally got the courage to leave you.
Not because you tried to kill me but because you made our son cry by yelling at me and slamming things around.
It’s only been about a week but I can say that I am feeling so much better.
I’m not 100%
I don’t know if I will ever get back to feeling 100%.
I do know that we will never get back together.
I know you aren’t a monster.
You are just toxic and you need help.
I thought I could help you but I can’t.
You need to help yourself.
I am doing everything I can to get healthy and happy.
I hope the same for you.