I never saw myself as a mother. When I found out that you were growing within my body my whole world came to a halt. My perception of life changed in an instant. It was no longer about me, about my needs, about my wants, about my future. It became about “ours”.
I was terrified. I had never loved anything. I lived day by day never sure where the wind would take me, never sure of what my next step was, never sure about anything. Then there you were. I had a purpose. I had a future. I had you. We grew up together. We learned how to LIVE together.
When you hurt, all I ever want is the ability to absorb all of your pain. It’s a concept that is so hard to grasp until you experience it first hand.
I made a lot of mistakes while raising you. I can’t take them back. I can only hope that you will learn from them and not go down the path that I traveled.
All I ever want is to shield your precious heart from the horrors of this wretched world. To protect your innocent spirit from any pain.
I want to be strong for you. I want to show you that anyone can overcome life’s obstacles.
You have always been so intuitive and so wise beyond your years. You have an old, gentle soul and I’m so proud of you.
You are the only good thing that I had ever done. You are my only accomplishment in life that I am proud of. I only want a beautiful life for you.
I want you to know that you can always come to me. Come to me before you find relief in a bottle, a boy, drugs, or worse yet, before you are no longer able to find relief at all.
Come to me before you become so numb that you no longer seek comfort. Before you become so engulfed in misery and pain that you shut down completely. Come to me because I will be your rock when you need me.
I will be there if you allow me to be. I will NEVER turn my back on you. I did everything that I could to raise you in the best possible way.
Although you are still very young and still undamaged by society, the day will come. The day that you will inevitably find your vice. When that day comes I will be there. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on when you are in need of someone to simply listen.
I will understand your struggles because I have been there. I will not judge. I will not criticize. I will not leave you even if you try to push me away. I will ALWAYS put you first because I am your mother.
I will never make you feel ashamed for coming to me in times of need. I will always and forever go to the ends of the earth to ensure your happiness and safety. Know that even when I’m not by your side, I am forever in your heart.
My true hope is that you will be lucky enough to not go through the lessons and experiences that I have, but if they do present themselves, just know, I am here.
I love you to the moon and back snickerdoodle.
Love, mom