It’s funny, being in a place where you realize that you let something good slip through your fingers, and the only person those fingers can point at is yourself. It’s almost easier going through a breakup than it is wondering what could have been. I know I’m not alone, and I know that there’s nothing I can do to change the situation now.
Because why shouldn’t you move on? I’m the one who said no.
In the moment, I was so sure my choice was right. But, looking back, I was letting my fear get in the way of something potentially great. I wish I could say that’s not how it’s always been… How this time was just a lapse of judgment. But, the truth is, fear has always been a part of me, and I didn’t realize how much joy and happiness it took from me until I walked away.
Just know: it’s not you, it’s me. Really.
You were nothing but kind, smart, funny, encouraging; made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to. You celebrated my wins and encouraged me in my losses. You were there on the other side of the phone if and when I needed it. You challenged me and made me realize that my dreams aren’t as farfetched as I thought they were.
And here I am, again, letting that fear and my pride call the shots again.
This isn’t a pity letter. This isn’t my failed attempt at proving to be something I so badly wish I was. This is me, laying the cards on the table, if only for just myself. The fact is, I don’t need to prove anything to anyone about how I was wrong, how I regret my decision. Just writing this, in itself, is progress.
The truth is, I wish I could rewind the clock.
I wish I could go back to that day, that moment… The last time I fell back into that fear. Because since then, I’ve actually made brave changes in my life and the empowerment has been incredible. But knowing that I let that one moment dictate potentially the rest of my life gives me chills.
There’s a twisted art to realizing what could have been.
The embarrassment, the fear, the nagging on the heart all makes sense and, quite frankly, is to be expected with someone like me. The person who preaches about being open and honest and wearing your heart on your sleeve actually fears an open heart and bare communication. The ultimate contradiction.
So, to you who I pushed aside only to realize that I pushed aside something potentially great, this is not an excuse, but an explanation. Chances are supposed to be taken and feelings are supposed to be put on the line. That’s how life is supposed to go and what I’ll be aiming for from now on.
About The Author
Emmie Pombo is a latte and tattoo-loving Tennessean who specializes in mental health and beauty writing. She holds a degree in Journalism and a certification in Makeup Artistry and Airbrushing. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.